Show Me the Kenny!

This is called getting blindsided by pop culture, folks.

The main facts of the story, at this point, seem to pretty widespread. On the island of St. Johns this past weekend, a private ceremony joined Oscar winning actress Renee Zellweger and country music singer Kenny Chesney in holy matrimony. They met during a Tsunami relief mission earlier in the year, and have been quietly dating ever since. She's the actress you've seen in Cold Mountain, Chicago, Bridget Jones' Diary, and Empire Records. He's the the beach bum Tennessee crooner who for inexplicable reasons, is friends with Uncle Kracker. While YABNews is unable to confirm Kracker's attendance at the wedding, what we can confirm is that Renee firmly thinks that tractors are in fact sexy.

Which reminds me - what good is a entertainment news desk if they are unable to keep tabs on celebrities as famous as Uncle Kracker? I mean, WOW, Uncle Kracker! YABNews should have a camera on this guy 24/7. You never know when he may do something famous, like ride some coattails or remake an unremakeable song (Drift Away, really?). Well, even if we aren't fans, I'm sure his many nieces and nephews are. Cute little Ritz Bitz.

Well, at least we did some of our homework. What seems so shocking to the world is that very few people knew about this relationship, short of Renee showing up on stage at a recent concert in Jacksonville. How did these two lovebirds become so close, so fast, people are asking. He’s on tour, she’s been wrapping post-production on The Cinderella Man. How could they possibly have spent that much time together?Turns out Kenny has been admiring her from afar for years. He had a 1999 single titled “You Had Me at Hello,” which, shocker, was inspired by Miss Zellweger herself. So maybe he saw the Cameron Crowe flick Jerry Maguire on the tour bus one day. Or maybe YABNews better get back from lunch break and do a little investigative reporting…

Turns out a certain country music took part in a certain screen test, but ultimately lost the part to a certain Thomas Cruise when he and a certain actress took some liberties with Crowe’s screenplay…certainly.

Here’s an excerpt we dug up…apparently it was love at first script.

Dorothy looks through the rubber flaps of the luggage conveyor belt. She clutches a cup of coffee. In the background, other SMI agents' grab their bags and exit.

DOROTHY: Ray! Ray! Maguire enters picture, joining her as she looks into the dark depths behind the flaps.
JERRY: Can I help?
DOROTHY: Oh. Hi. I work in your office. I was on the junket to the conference. I'm --
JERRY: I know who you are. You're Renee Zellweger. You're in... wait... you're in The Bachelor, the worst romantic comedy ever filmed. You had the middle trailer next to that ponce Chris O’Donnell.
DOROTHY: Hmm. Pretty good. And you’re Jerry Mag-
JERRY: Call me Kenny.
DOROTHY: But your charac-
JERRY: Hey, nevermind that. When the sun goes down over the water, it doesn’t matter what my character’s name is. Now what did you lose?
DOROTHY: My son... my mind...

Over her shoulder, Chesney sees Ray rounding the corner, riding the luggage conveyor belt like Washington crossing the Delaware.

KENNY: Oh, no shoes, no shirt, no problems…
DOROTHY: What does that have to do with me missing my son?
KENNY: Oh, it’s just a motto. And a number one song on the country charts. Well, while I go look for him, why don't you hang onto this curious gentleman behind you – now where is Kracker with my guitar case?

Dorothy turns, is greatly relieved to see Ray, and snatches him off the belt. She bends down into his face. She speaks softly but intensely, with no frills.

DOROTHY (to Ray): Remember "imagination?"...remember what that means? Well, this is some cowboy musician behind me so you will now IMAGINE me screaming at you right now. Do NOT do that again. Ever ever EVER. (to Kenny) Well, thanks.
KENNY: Well, take care.
DOROTHY: I loved your memo, by the way.

He stops. Turns. She flashes the well-thumbed copy in her purse. Kenny takes a step closer, interested and flattered.

KENNY: Thanks... actually, it wasn’t a memo, or a mission statement. It’s a new song I’ve been writing.
DOROTHY: Kenny, Jerry Maguire doesn’t write songs.
KENNY: Yes, Renee, he does. Here’s how it goes: “I Go Back to my client, a small wide receiver / The Cardinals, of them I will make believers/ that Rod Tidwell is worth 4 years for 10 mil-
DOROTHY: Jerry-Kenny, whatever, that’s very nice, but -
KENNY (eager for feedback): You think so?
DOROTHY: Yes.
KENNY: I appreciate that, because some of that stuff... you know, it was two in the morning and I was out drinking with Toby Keith...
DOROTHY: -- the part about "we should embrace what it is still virginal about our enthusiasm" --

Kenny looks slightly edgy at the naked vulnerability of his words.

DOROTHY (continuing): -- "and we should all force open the tightly-clenched fist of commerce, and give a little back for the greater good." I mean, I was inspired, and I'm an accountant (or actress, as you believe). Ray, don't spill my coffee.
KENNY: Look lady, I don’t know who wrote that stuff. I’m not that poetic, that must be the hook from some new Big and Rich song. I write about guitars and tiki bars. So honey, what do you say? You want to blow off this audition and go to the beach?
DOROTHY: You had me at hello.
KENNY: But I didn’t say – ah who cares. They won’t let me wear my cowboy hat in this picture, anyway.