Pay-Per-View Pals

When did ATM start standing for “All The Money?”

As a kid, they were many ways to get some cold hard cash into thy pocket. Allowances were doled out in dollar bills. Selling lemonade at a yard sale was good for a buck or two. Birthday cards (from the relatives who weren’t so concerned about saving for college) occasionally netted some additional greenbacks. And when all else failed, checking the coin returns of pay phones could help a kid save up for more baseball cards. It may not have been much, but as they say in Evita – “the money kept rolling in from every side.”

(Umm…did I say Evita? I meant, der…Super Macho Robot Killers 4. Ah. That’s better.)

Once you enter the real world, though, many of those avenues dry up. Most monetary gifts are now in check form. There aren’t coin returns on cell phones. Your allowance, now called a paycheck, gets directly deposited, and is really just a funds transfer. And nobody wants to buy lemonade from a 26 year old sitting on the sidewalk.

With every other cash money method ruled out, it looks like all of your dollars and all of your cents are guarded in that mighty vault called a “bank,” and the one posted sentry at the gates staring you down with his impersonal icy façade has his mechanical hands clutching your wad of cash. The ATM.

Now despite the hard, metallic exterior, ATM is actually a big softy. As long as the bank has some money with your name on it, ATM is totally cool with just giving it to you. All you have to do is verify you are who you say you are, and the little man with the bucket of $20s that sits in the little ATM room will feed some cash through its little black mouth. See, he’s not so bad. He gives you money!

The problem with this, however, is that ATM isn’t always nearby. Some similar looking clone may be, but not your buddy. The clone has deceptively matched the attire of ATM. Heck, he’s even got a little cubby for free envelopes (which also like yours, never actually has any envelopes stocked.) And he’s just as nice as ATM – happy to give you money at any hour of the day. But there’s one hitch that makes him an imposter.

He embezzles.

Every time you pay him a visit, he demands a dollar-fifty for your friendship. Sure, about 2 miles from your current location waits your true friend who charges nothing to hang out. But apparently, this guy feels that proximity is worth slapping a tariff on your relationship.

Pay-per-view friends are not great company, and especially not great on the bank account. It’s best to literally go the extra mile and visit ATM, a guy who says “Come on in, take whatever you need.” But for some reason, he occasionally says that he’s sick, with some malady called “Insufficient Funds” and you might be forced to visit his evil cousin. Or find the last remaining coin return in Tyson’s Corner.

I suppose there’s always another option. Supermarkets will gladly give you cash back after a purchase. However, methinks Wegman isn’t a true friend either. He’s got two tricks up his sleeve. First, you end up stopping in and buying something you don’t need just to get some cash. I’m pretty sure that’s why crap candy bard like Mr.Goodbar are still around. Secondly, It’s so painful to see that an otherwise minimal shopping trip for bread and paper towels turns into a $24.32 charge on the old bank statement.

Man, that better be some pretty freakin’ good bread.