Jersey, Here I Come

At work, our team is largely responsible for managing the finances of various corporate facilities up and down the east coast. Most of the buildings aren’t very sexy or interesting – several are of that 1-level sprawling office building that belongs in a industrial business park. For most of us most of the time, what parts of the portfolio we individually analyze is not a big deal. Since site visits are extremely rare, an assignment of Reston, Virginia is just as good as Orlando, Florida. (You just hope that the latter has more mice than the former.)

But with a new fiscal year upon us, Corporate Real Estate has taken on some more locations. And sure enough, the finances of said sites have fallen to those brave souls in McLean, VA. Us. So in some twisted form of Christmas, the gifts of new locales were distributed around the team. With eager anticipation, I unwrapped my new facility gift and to much surprise, I actually was excited to see what lay within.

State: New Jersey

Ok, so that’s a good sign. A Garden Stater taking care of one of its own. I like the sound of that. But I know better than to be blindly optimistic. There’s a lot of places in NJ that I’d rather not think about (pretty much anything above Trenton). And I don’t want a repeat of thinking when I was handed the Vienna property, I would pack my bags for Austria. So I guess I should just read the town’s name already, eh?

Town: Red Bank

Red Bank, New Jersey is famous for one and one thing only – being the center of the ViewAskewniverse. Director Kevin Smith has centered 5 of his 6 movies in this small South Jersey town, and created a laundry list of characters so unique and quotable that he was able to turn Clerks into a sequel-worthy flick. Well, guess what Mr. Svennig, you’ve got a new neighbor: Me.

Now the field of facility management is not a glory road by any means. But then again, most of the characters from Smith’s movies don’t really appear to be headed for lifestyles of the rich and/or famous anytime soon. For the most part, these slackers have spent their days milling at convenience stores, trolling the local mall, “tracing” comic books, playing roller hockey on the roof, and even finding time to stop demented angels bent on a holy crusade. But these lots in life have been worth something: comedy. And it is with comedy in mind that I’ve decided to make some personnel recommendations to the higher ups in my company on how to staff our new Red Bank facility operation.

Facility Manager: Brodie Bruce – By far the best choice, Mr. Bruce knew the mall like it was his own bedroom. He lived, ate, drank, and breathed that place. I’d expect him to gain the same affinity for this new work location. And good news, Brodie. Our facility doesn’t have any escalators.
Building Engineer: You need someone handy here, since a building is only as sound as the person maintaining it here. While not a Red Bank local, God has been known to frequent Red Bank (as captured in Dogma) and can restore complete disaster with the best of them.
Receptionist: Silent Bob – Most receptionists annoy me because they are either 1) overly chatty, 2) are on the phone on some personal call while you wait patiently at the desk, or 3) make small talk when you’re just out front to wait for a colleague to come through the door. Not a problem with Silent Bob. Hell, he can even buzz you in with a Jedi mind trick.
Security: Who else but the Mallrat security guard, LeFours. Intimidating as hell in that rice cake hat, and I even heard he’s got 3 kills.

Dear God – if you want to not accept this very attractive offer as building engineer, this lowly human totally understand. I can force someone else (Jay?) to do it. I just figured you had prior experience (the Great Flood, the Plagues, that building in Bruce Almighty…)