Burger King Faces the Music

YABNews has been quick to monitor the shifty dealings of the one known as the Burger King in the past. Rob Harford over at Dante’s Fourth Level was the one that brought this shifty character’s operation to the forefront almost a full year ago, and this zany monarch keeps finding ways to make news. With the NFL looking to crack down on next year’s touchdown celebrations, this will no doubt tick off the fleet-footed crowned one, as he looks to continue to push his burgers by burning the secondary and leaping into the stands. What a year it has been for the Burger King.

But I ask you this, what has accounted for his rise in fame?

For years, he was silent and no one knew what he looked like. Kids could identify the goofy red-haired clown, as his mug was plastered in every McDonald’s from Medford, NJ to Medford, OR. Wendy found a way to get her face to be part of her chain’s corporate logo, and most middle school students might actually think Colonel Sanders was an officer in the Civil War. But little was known of the Burger King. Sure, he had a Kids Club. And he was cool about distributing cheap replicas of his regal crown. But through the nineties, no one had a clue what he looked like. (And to be honest, his actual appearance is as freaky as Rob has described so well.)

The chain did well, financially-speaking, throughout the last decade due to its new sandwich creations, including its international chicken sandwiches, rodeo cheeseburgers, and introducing a breakfast menu. And all of this was possible, without the help of the reclusive leader of the kingdom of grease. Was the throne vacant all these years? Has this guy we see everywhere shown up to usurp the throne? Might he have been promoted from a lower post, say maybe … PRINCE?

The Burger King is a modern-day Prince John, and I have proof.

YABNews is reporting of a Palmdale, CA man who recently went through the drive-thru, and the King’s tax collectors nearly bankrupted him. He ordered 4 burgers – two Whopper Juniors and two Rodeo Cheeseburgers – and the “drive-thru attendant” rang him up to the tune of $4,334.33. That’s nearly $1,100 per burger, and last time I checked, the Whopper Jr. was the latest addition to the Burger King Everyday Value Menu. Some value. He could have bought a 43” plasma for that kind of cash.

No wonder the monarchy is alive and well.

His Majesty’s Damage Control Guild tried to pass it off that the $4.33 total cost was entered in twice accidentally, but we’re not buying it. This is just the new administration trying to pull a fast one on the peasants of Palmdale, California. This man almost defaulted on a mortgage payment because of this “accidental error.” (Why he was ordering 4 burgers with no mention of anyone else in the car remains a mystery. Maybe he was striving for a Friar Tuck physique.)

So, ultimately, that’s our theory on the crazy Burger King. The King wasn’t reclusive for years – the throne was empty! (The previous ruler must have had too much of his own food and had a heart attack.) And this guy, paired with the Sherriff of Drivethruham, has managed to usurp the throne, and launch a high-stakes publicity tour to win over the people he screwed over to get to the top.

Now THAT’s good investigative reporting.