The Cock of the Balk

Forget Jimmy Rollins’ hitting streak. We’ve got a whole new reason to get excited for this year’s Fightin’ Phils.

For professional sports franchises, selling tickets to their games is the lifeblood that allows rosters of grown men to play games for a living, for millions of dollars. Sure, there are sponsorships, TV contracts, and ridiculous memorabilia sales, but putting fans in the seats is what makes the sports world go ‘round. The most lucrative type of sale is the season ticket – whereby a fan agrees to pay for a ticket to every game in advance, regardless of other obligations, weather, and if the boring Kansas City Royals are in town. Generally speaking, season ticket holders are creatures of habit. Renew now, find a way to pay later.

The Philadelphia Phillies, in their 3-years young Citizens Bank Park, go that extra mile to convince those still trying to decide whether another year in Section 208 is worth that second mortgage on your home. What is the magic sales pitch? A DVD! (Right now, Chris Smith is salivating on his keyboard.) It’s a marketing-glitz, optimism-fused, look at this year’s team’s prospects, predicting World Series championship moments – which you’ll miss if you don’t renew. Effective? Maybe. But only if this promotion is managed well.

Philly’s own Channel 6 (shout-out to Jasen’s dreamgal, Cecily Tynan) is reporting that one Phillies Phence-sitter was a little shocked when he popped the 2006 Fightins’ DVD into his DVD player. Did he see Chase Utley turning a double play? Ryan Howard launching a moonshot into the right field seats? David Bell icing his chronically injured back?

NO! He saw Spanish cockfighting!

As lore would have it, the company the Phillies contracted with accidentally forgot to change the tapes when switching from one job to another. A few fans around the Delaware Valley are a little confused to see the sport of fighting roosters, which is banned in 48 states and DC playing instead. For the record, the two legal states are New Mexico and Louisiana. Neither have baseball teams.

This was clearly a mistake, but it does beg the question: does the fierceness of a team’s nickname serve any function in prognosticating and predicting? From our count, there are eight MLB ballclubs whose nicknames have their home in the animal kingdom. (We actually have no idea what a ‘Phillie’ is.) If we put each of those eight mascots up against an angry Gamecock (as featured on the Phillies’ 2006 promo DVD), can we predict who will win this year’s World Series? We say yes.

Let’s start with the easy comparisons: Birds. In one corner you’ve got a gamecock, probably hepped up on enough BALCO substances that Barry Bonds might rethink that retirement option. In the other corner you’ve got a Cardinal, and Oriole, and a Blue Jay. Not exactly Murderer’s Row. Maybe the NFL has the right idea. Falcons, Eagles, Seahawks – those are fowl with fangs. Not these three cuckoos.

Then you’ve got two water-logged entries from Florida. Putting up a much better fight, the Tampa Bay Devil Ray can sting this rooster (hereafter known as “Cock of the Balk”), but lack of mobility out of water will make this a short battle. And while the Florida Marlin has that wicked sword for a nose, they are disqualified. A team starting 5 rookies in the field is simply too young to cockfight.

And no matter how big that kitty can roar, we’ve said it once and we’ll say it again. The Detroit Tigers suck.

That leaves the Chicago Cubs. I think a bear can take the Cock of the Balk, assuming Steve Bartman is not in attendance. So mark YAB’s words, 2004 was the Red Sox. 2005 was the White Sox. And now, after much too long a drought, the Cubs win the Pennant.

Because a little cockfighting birdie told me.