You better like Sports Center, or your brain will deteriorate.
Our morning routine in the apartment is pretty standardized these days. Sometime between 6 and 6:30, Katie rolls out of bed and hits the shower. Sometime after that I fall out of bed as the thought of two snooze alarms going off simultaneously on opposite sides of the bed is enough to make you jump with little chance of sticking the landing. After that, I stumble out to make the coffee and my breakfast, and while doing so, I find the remote and turn on the TV. And thanks to Mama’s Family and infomercials, the only way to not start the day feeling dumb is by tuning to ESPN and watching highlights of games you don’t care about (Grizzlies-Pacers, anyone?)
On my way to the Worldwide Leader’s channel, I stopped briefly on Comedy Central. Known for its satiric and witty news shows, its solid stand-up, and enough MadTV to make one consider leaving the comedy biz, it’s at least worth a channel stop while going around the dial. Well, regularly scheduled programming doesn’t start on weekdays until 8, so CC fills the air space with some of those aforementioned infomercials. Grand.
There are five main varieties of infomercials in America today.
1) Get Skinny! -- all exercise equipment, crash diets and fitness videos
2) Get Rich! – The dude from CHiPS teaches how to refinance your way to millions!
3) Get Stuff! – The latest kitchen gizmo, lawn gadget, or
4) Get Naked! – Girls Gone Wild. Or at least Girls Gone Trashy for a cheap t-shirt
5) Get Jesus! – Which is what we are covering today…
Yes, at 6:30 this morning, Comedy Central had gone the route of Door #5 and was broadcasting an evangelism infomercial. Look, I am totally cool with evangelism. By definition, it means “zealous preaching and advocacy for the Gospel.” That’s cool – everyone is allowed to spread their faith, and in the Christian forum, encouraged to do so. But evangelism has taken on a different meeting in today’s society, kind of like how “momentarily” does not mean “in a moment” – I digress – and this new definition has changed thanks to doofuses (doofi?) like the one on Comedy Central this morning.
Televangelists are as helpful to Jesus’ teaching as an accordion on a fishing trip.
This morning’s con-artist goes by the name of Reverend Peter Popoff. His California-based ministries are actually pretty well knownaccording to his website, as he is simulcast on over 100 radio stations in addition to his morning informercial. He looks like a normal enough guy – if your definition of normal is “Cyborg from Planet Robot.”
Domo arigato…
The infomercial itself has the standard visuals you expect from such programming. Robot-guy pulls people out of the crowd, asks about their affliction, asks for Christ to heal them, pushes them backwards, and Voila! We have healing! But Peter Popoff is only one man, and cannot go around the world pushing everybody backwards via the forehead. This man is not a miracle worker! He can’t fly like Darren Daulton!
Here’s the contingency plan…wait for it….
MIRACLE SPRING WATER!! Of course! All you have to do is order a bottle from his website and your problems will go away. On the order form, it does ask you what category of water you need (I figure it’s like Gatorade flavors.) The choices are Healing, Spiritual, Financial, Salvation, Deliverance, Loved One, Relationship, and Praise Report.
And I’ve been drinking out of the water cooler, like a chump.
1 comment:
Now that accordian can be used in many fashions. I like to play Mako sharks to death before I haul their thrashing, I will eat anything ass into my boat. And it's not AS distubing as a gun shot to it's head. Plus, drunken polka on a boat, I want to see an infomercial for that!
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