Trouble Dutch

As the Phillies begin the year with a dreadful 1-5 homestand, where a lack of focus in the field and pop at the plate leave the Fightin’s with much to be desired, we look back at what has gone wrong with the team. No, not over the last 6 games. But since the last time they made the playoffs.

Has it really been 12 years?

There are only 7 other teams with such a streak going. The Devil Rays haven’t been around for that entire span, and the Nationals spent much of that decade-plus in an ownership nightmare. It is a well known fact that Pittsburgh, Kansas City, and Detroit are terrible, and no one seems to lose sleep on them. The Brewers had to deal with switching leagues, and the Blue Jays have little excuse – except that they beat the Phillies in the ’93 World Series.

Now blame whomever you like, but YABSports remains optimistic. Rather than dwelling on the woes of “so-close” and “just-missed”, we look back at that ’93 club in a little round of Where Are They Now? You may ask what has caused some a nostalgic look at the Gashouse Gang. Well, if any of you caught this morning’s Sports Center, you’d know why.

Darren Daulton is a LUNATIC.

This team had its share of personalities. Lenny Dykstra was known to chew enough tobacco to employ everyone in North Carolina. John Kruk’s brushback against Randy Johnson in the All-Star Game makes the all-time Top 5 Midsummer Classic moments. (Rose vs. Fosse, being the best.) Mickey Morandini was a cartoon character. Jim Eisenreich had to fight off Touret’s Syndrome and Pete Incaviglia for his right field job. Kevin Stocker wasn’t old enough to drink. Danny Jackson drank too much. Kim Batiste’s real first name was Kimothy. Oh, and they had Mitch Williams. Enough said.

But Dutch tops them all.

The catcher of the 93’ NLCS champs has had an interesting retirement, to say the least. He caught on with the Florida Marlins in 1997, just in time to capture a World Series ring. It was during that season that Daulton had his first out-of-body experience. After hitting a game-winning single down the third base line in Wrigley, Daulton left the field and the stadium in complete tears, telling the world that it wasn’t him who hit the ball – somebody else did by using his body.

YAB offers two explanations – 1) You were playing the Cubs, who were 69-94 that year. I could have hit a base knock off of Kevin Tapani. 2) Baseball ghosts do exist, but are pretty much sequestered to cornfields in Iowa.

On ESPN, he spoke very nonchalantly about the idea of metaphysics, that extra sense some people can learn to possess in order to bend the normal rules of physics. I took two years of high school physics and anytime I bended a rule I ended up with more homework. Yet Daulton has managed to avoid homework to participate in daily tasks of his including “skipping time” and “astral motion.”

In other words, time travel and flying.

Maybe had he come across these metaphysical powers a little sooner, the Phillies could have made another playoff run in the mid-nineties. Sounds like more stolen bases and less passed balls to me. Nonetheless, it looks like Phillies fans will have to agonize over the team for only 6 more seasons. When 2012 rolls around, the worries will be over. World Series?!?

That’s when Daulton has predicted the world will end.