Kicking a Dead Horse

“For those looking to impress on a date this evening, just remember – it’s a “dog eat Dog world,” not a “doggy dog world.” For Dan Rydell, I’m Casey McCall. Good night.
- Sports Night

There are more animal clichés in this world than you can shake a stick at. (Which by the way, while not animal-sourced, is dumber than most clichés in the animal kingdom. Two reasons: clichés are not something tangible that you can place on a chair for this ceremonial stick shaking. Second, you totally underestimate my abilities to furiously wave a long rod at a bunch of words.) And while I am no policeman of the English language, I’m not going to let sleeping dogs lie and bring an important semantic issue for your consideration. First, I give you backdrop.

This morning, a member of my department decided to be super-generous and buy a dozen donuts for the rest of the team, just for the hell of it. We’ll call her Jesse’s Girl. So Jesse’s Girl is going from desk to desk, handing out donuts, in hopes of raising group morale. Other members of the team were delighted – Der Kommisar has a glazed, and the Karma Chameleon has Boston crème. But when she got to the one we call Mr. Roboto, things took a turn for the weird.

(You know, besides the fact that everyone has Hits of the 80’s as first names.)

Mr. Roboto saw the selection was limited, as all three donusts left were jelly-infused. He made some stupid comment like “Thanks, but no thanks. I don’t like jelly.” That was pretty harsh, I’ll admit. This is exactly the reason that the ire in the eyes of Jesse’s Girl flickered when she caustically retorted,

“Way to kick a gift horse in the mouth.”

I totally understand where she’s coming from. She tried to do something nice, and all she got was sarcasm. She has a right to be annoyed, and that outburst is justified. Except for one small thing.

It’s supposed to be “Don’t LOOK a gift horse in the mouth.”

Yes, she botched the animal cliché. Now I’ve never quite understood the cliché in question, but the general principle behind it is sound. Those who question the prospect of receiving something for nothing don’t deserve to receive it in the first place. That’s fine. But you have to stick the landing and get the cliché right. Otherwise you might as well be deaf as a bat, crazy as a bee, and waiting until the cows get drunk.

But on second thought…

Wouldn’t kicking a gift horse in the mouth be a WAY BETTER cliché? I mean the looking said horse in the mouth is a little vague, and no one knows for sure why you would look any horse in the mouth. But kicking – YES – she may be onto something! Kicking is a far more vivid and far more violent action, which the horse, its donor, and the pack of donuts on its back would all have searing disapproval for. So you know what? We’re going to keep it.

Let’s start a movement here, people. No longer will we chastise those who feel that staring at equine is justified. Now, we will only chastise those who feel compelled to lift their legs 3 feet in the air to have their collective foot strike the face of such beautiful animals, who happen to be bringing gifts.

Don’t KICK a gift horse in the mouth. YEAH.