Best Company Ever, Chapter 9

Interviews are not for the faint of heart.

Part of my job as the Deputy Controller for Facilities is to support the Controller in all personnel matters. These tasks are limited but do occur from time to time. Since we’ve never really fired anyone, I’ve never had the misfortune of being involved in that. (Although the pirates in HR don’t show much sensitivity in that arena either – always mumbling something about “walking a plank.” Eh, to each their own.)

Performance reviews are another personnel issue which I don’t have to dabble in other than writing my own. An increasingly popular HR practice is the 360 degree review, by which you are appraised by people above, below, and laterally. But the Best Company Ever realizes that for the economy of tomorrow, a cutting edge firm can’t stop there. We will invoke the 720 degree performance review, where an employee’s computer, ID badge, spouse, pet, and Ig will be added to the review process. One time around the horn may get you an accurate depiction of a person’s abilities. Two times around will get them so confused that they won’t know what to think. And an employee on his toes is:

1) ready for anything and
2) taller than Joe Brescia.

But that’s not the BCE Best Practice this Chief Awesome Office has come today to impart. Today we discuss interviews of candidates for new and positions. Any good manager will tell you that the best teacher is experience. Any good teacher will tell you that the capital of Liberia is Monrovia. But while that may neither be here nor there (nor in Monrovia), I know that my experience interviewing people for my current company will come in handy when I need to hire the workforce that will post record profits, and likely, save the world.

Some interviewers turn up the heat. BCE turns it down.

This morning, I led a potential Finance employee to our small conference room near the kitchen for the informal second part to our interviewing process. Now despite the airplane turbine above my cube that is our air conditioning system, we have a comfortable working temperature in this office. If I had to guess, it’s probably 72 in here. (And partly cloudy.) But for some reason, this one conference room has been uberchilled so cold that the mail room penguins might take their breaks here (if they weren’t marching all over the damn place.)

As I begin my round of questioning, I don’t even remotely notice that this room has got to be 60 degrees at best. Maybe it’s because I’m in here so rarely that it doesn’t affect me. And it’s not like the interviewee even said anything – a true professional. Hell, I didn’t even notice the temperature until her teeth actually chattered.

Reasons why a sub-zero interview suite is a must for the Best Company Ever:

1) Interviewees will be to the point. For fear of frostbite, they will only prevent timely and relevant qualification information.
2) Nervous people sweat as a natural reaction. The glacial temperature will put them at ease by preventing this.
3) Instead of offering a cup of coffee to the interviewee, you can make your company seem like a fun place to work by whipping up a sno-cone from inside the file cabinet.
4) Only the strong work at BCE. The weak get pneumonia at their interview and get their application rejected.