Turning Monopoly into Candyland

I hate publicity stunts.

Everybody likes a competition. The pitting of rivals against one another, in the name of conquest and victory, has become the tell-tale sign that American would prefer Equality, as long they play to ten and have to win by two. Sports are the best representation of this phenomenon, and racing strangers on the interstate isn’t far behind. But rather than take the competitive spirit into your own hands, Madison Avenue has thought that they would keep score for you.

YAB has made no secret of its belief that a certain “melt-in-your-mouth” delectable should all be colored RED for their political leanings. But while M&Ms may have rubbed elbows with Khrushchev with the Blue additions, it was the American people that voted them into office. Hell, they would even go on to win a 600,000 vote run-off to be declared America’s favorite ad campaign icon. While the Land of the Free has been able to avoid a second Cold War, a different agenda of the M&M comrades has seeped through our defenses.

General Public Voting Ad Campaigns.

This is when a company, seeking a popularity boost, decides to change their product in a convoluted method of extreme makeover. Changing a product is a difficult thing to do. You risk alienating your loyal customer base, and until the new product hits the market, it’s a complete crapshoot no matter how much market research you did. (New Coke, we’re looking in your general direction here…)

However, America loves competition, and the ad wizards behind M&Ms were quick to realize that. M&Ms are now forever tainted pink, and other companies are following suit with widespread voting sweepstakes that will get the American public talking about their flat-lining product soon enough.

Hasbro, say it ain’t so.

The king of board games (short of Jasen Andersen), Hasbro has made a living of making regular toys, like Mr. Potato Head (but then again, a potato that wears a hat and has Picasso-like interchangeability is anything but regular.) With several successful product lines, they scrounged up the cash to buy all the biggies in the board game racket, from Milton Bradley to both Parker Brothers. And now that they have one, Hasbro has taken their Monopoly and decided to screw with the formula.

Over the summer of 2006, the real estate on Uncle Pennybags’ block is undergoing an exercise in rezoning. With a vote out to the American public, Hasbro has decided to give new names to all the properties on the Monopoly board. And rather than keep them Atlantic City-centric, each of the 22 properties will be a landmark from Hasbro’s 22 pre-selected American cities.

Sorry, Baltimore. No dice.

The public is left to decide which of the three proposed landmarks will make the board. For example, DC has the Washington and Lincoln Memorials and the White House. (The ‘House currently leads.) But for places like Cleveland, the choices are more obscure. Northcoast Harbor? Euclid Ave? Jacobs Field? I’m all for baseball parks being called American landmarks, but unless your name is Wrigley, Fenway, or the House that Ruth built, you better not be on my Monopoly board.

I declared M&Ms communist because changing the colors was completely un-American. What happens when the Game of Capitalism does the same?

Easy. The world implodes.