You're Watching Sorkin Night, on CPC

Over the weekend, I opted against your regularly scheduled television programming for selections from the best TV on DVD box set I own, the short-lived but brilliant Sports Night. Aaron Sorkin, whose writing I have featured before here on YAB, is back in the writing room (do houses still have those?) penning his next show for NBC, “Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip.” It’s got a similar premise to Sports Night, only now we’re going behind the scenes at an SNL-esque sketch comedy show. Whatever the case, Matthew Perry is on board, and as he has been with every Sorkin script, I assume so too will be Joshua Malina very soon.

But back to my point.

Yes, I watched a lot of Sorkin in the past 72 hours. Why is this good? It gives me the intensity and inspiration needed from its stellar scripting to pursue my current writing goals – which of course is narrowing the backdating gap. It also allows me to enjoy comedy in the workplace, seeing the humor in things often relegated to the mundane column. Of course – there is a flipside. Why is this bad?

You start to talk in Sorkinese.

Sorkinese, not to be confused with this stupid little dog, is the term that dialogue from this Syracuse grad’s is often called. It is characterized by the following four features:

• Rapid fire back-and-forth conversation
• Repeated rephrasing and questioning of statements made between characters
• Weaving multiple conversations into one multi-person verbal confusion
• Writing credit belongs to Aaron Sorkin
  

Just look at the man’s CV: A Few Good Men, The American President, Sports Night, and the West Wing. Of COURSE no one really talks like these people.Except Condon after he watches too much Sports Night.Coming into work on Monday morning, you find that the world suddenly is speaking a lot slower. These conversations do not exist in real life, although your brain thinks they should. And then the brain tells the mouth that they should, and then the mouth tells the world that they should, and then

The world thinks you’ve had too much caffeine.

Take this example when I was walking to fill my water bottle and a co-work named Erin walked out of the kitchen as I entered:

Erin: Hey – Hope you’re not planning to use the copier.

Chris: Does it dispense water?

Erin: No, it’s broken – why did you ask – nevermind.

If this was Sorkin-scripted (as my mind pictured it going – it would have gone something like this):

Erin: Hey – Hope you’re not planning to use the copier.

Chris: Does it dispense water?

Erin: The copier?

Chris: Yes, does it dispense water?

Erin: No, it dispenses mangled paper.

Chris: Mangled paper?

Erin: Yes, the copier is broken. It dispenses mangled paper.

Chris: I don’t need any mangled paper. I need water.

Erin: Then you should try the water fountain.

Chris: The water fountain dispenses water?

Erin: Well, it sure as hell doesn’t dispense mangled paper.

Chris: If it did, then it would be broken.

Erin: If it dispensed normal paper, it would be broken.

Chris: Regardless of if the paper is mangled or not, the water fountain would be broken if it dispensed paper.

Erin: I think I need a drink.

Chris: You should try the water fountain. I’m headed there now.