Measure Twice, Blog Once

We admit it’s been a bit quiet around here the past two weeks, and we’ve done very little to fix that backdating problem – wow, can it really be 32 days? – and we’re not going to make excuses. It’s been a hectic 14 days at YAB Central, and several of the forthcoming posts may give the loyal readership a glance into what rolled into becoming a perfect storm of blogging braindrain. At this point, some might turn over a new leaf and make some changes after a treacherous stretch of 7 and 7, but we here at YAB have other ideas in mind. Instead, we’ll back up the car, find that old leaf rather than turning over a new one – and resume daily postings and then some to bring the funny once more.

Hell, in the next span of half a score and four, here’s a YAB Promise: in the next two weeks, from now until Oct 29, expect 15 posts instead of the usual 10. We call that a Promise of Progress. Note: if Pro is the opposite of Con, then is Congress the opposite of Progress?

Man, did I ever come up with a lot of ways to say “2 weeks” in that first ‘graph. When a writer continually references the same noun, one often turns to synonyms to make his words seem more “well-rounded,” “intellectual,” or “thesaurus rex.” However, nouns are people, places, or things. Synonyms are normally tools of the verb or adjective populace. It’s a lot harder to “synonymize” nouns. Take two weeks, for example. The only actual synonym? (And we’ve been saving it, yeah.): FORTNIGHT.

Ah yes, who doesn’t love a good fortnight reference? It sounds so classy, and yet at the same time, completely medieval. But it is not in the vein of writers to be talking about different units of measurement – that’s scientist-speak. And scientists have little use for verbosity. It’s a language of precision, which is why so few words like “fortnight” exist. However, it is often the case that scientists don’t have a word to accurately explain a measurement. And rather than consult the writing community, they do something much more fun: the make a new word up. The following are an analysis of little-known terms of measurement. May these expressions find their way into thy vernacular.

Jerk – in the worlds of nuclear weapons and astrophysics, a Jerk is equivalent to one kiloton of high explosive. Wow, a Jerk can really do some damage, and I’m not even in the nuclear weapon world. However, if you really need a bomb, maybe you should look at some of Steve Martin’s other films: Bringing Down the House, Mixed Nuts, The Out-of-Towners, for starters.

Stone’s Throw – I suppose this would work as a decent estimate of distance, but I feel that the precision of such a statement desires some refining. After all, aren’t there outside factors that need to be considered – windspeed, for one? Also, which Stone is doing the throwing – this one or this one?

Parsec – a measure of distance in outer space, literally the “parallax of one arc second.” And rather than take this space to further define our definition, let’s instead point out the George Lucas has ruined parsecs for everybody. After all, if Han Solo’s Millenium Falcon could make the Kessel Run in 12 parsecs, then what other measure-bending statements are possible? Hey Chris, how hot would you say that cup of coffee is?

I’d say about three fortnights.