With this Gift, I Continue to Thee Wed

Over a lunchtime phone call with the Prodigal Roommate, we got on the topic of Anniversary Gifts. Why? I have no idea. Maybe he saw a guy on the streets of NYC panicked that he had forgotten his anniversary and was frantically trying to remember if the 5th Year is supposed to be “hot dog” or “gyro.” Eh, desperate times call for desperate measures. (Hey buddy, I would have gone with the hot dog. It’ll hurt less when your angry wife throws it at your head.)

Vending carts aside, through the years it has been passed down in Western Culture that there are specific gift materials associated with milestone years of a couple’s anniversary. Was this a marketing ploy by various merchants and artisans of yesterday, making sure that if nothing else, every married man would have to buy his wares at least once in his lifetime? Judging from the list, that’s an emphatic yes. How else does “iron” or “linen” make the list?

Now since YAB likes to take all the hard work out of gift giving, we’re more than happy to abide by this weird pre-set standard. And since we’re years away from anything dangerously expensive (25th in the Silver Anniversary, 50th the Gold), we’re going to make this post serve as ideas for future anniversaries down the road, much like a journal or diary, but without the vertigo-inducing marbled cover. So these are my ideas, out in the public, so I trust you not to steal my ideas and give my wife my present ideas for our anniversary. ‘Cause damn, that would be embarrassing if I ever forget.

Year 1 – PAPER – Congratulations, you made it a year without killing each other. You’ve survived in a tiny apartment with too much stuff and not enough space for it. Here’s something made of paper to show I love you. Ok, as long as it’s not divorce papers, there’s a lot of options for this one. I’ve heard that the “paper” is often the deed to your first house together. Yeah, a nice thought, if you don’t live in DC. In actuality, our “paper” was plane tickets, as we spent our vacation together in Charleston back in August via the friendly skies. This made it kind of sad when the ticketing agent, upon our missing our connecting flight in Atlanta, tore up our anniversary presents when he issued us new tickets for a later flight. Thank God I didn’t get that house deed – I would have had to kill that guy. And no one likes anniversaries in Georgian prison.

Year 2 – COTTON – This is the next one on the horizon for the Condons, a mere 11 months away. Now cotton is best known as a fabric, so the easy answer is something in the apparel category. But we don’t like easy here at YAB. We like clever. But there’s nothing clever about a textile with as much range as Vin Diesel. So when I come up empty-handed next year, I’m going to need a strong drink to get through the day. Hey, I’ll have a Cotton Gin and Tonic.

Year 3 – LEATHER – The ladies reading this are probably dreaming of a nice purse or pair of boots for the triennial milestone. The guys are trying to calculate how long they’ve had their current baseball glove, and wonder if it’s time for a new one. Eh, it would beat getting a belt, ladies.

Year 4 – LINEN – Oh good, more textiles. According to Wikipedia, apparent “doily” is a type of linen. A useless one, but a linen nonetheless. Funny story: while traveling Europe in 2001 with Jasen and Sara, we decided it would be incredibly cool to get Spud a handmade chess set. (In Prague, I assume it’s pronounced “czhess.” We found a wonderful shoppe managed by a husband and wife team. He hand made chess sets, she made custom doilies. And that, ladies and gents, is where you need to shop if your are ever in the market for chess sets and doilies – at the same time.

Year 5 – WOOD – Get the little lady some uncut tree stumps, and tell her to hang on to them. They’ll come in handy a year from now…

Year 6 – IRON - …because she is the proud recipient of a brand new AXE! I know it’s the thought that counts, but anytime you can give a gift that required forging, that’s taking it to the next level.

Every year after that, it probably doesn’t matter what you get her. After realizing that girls don’t want battleaxes as anniversary presents, you’ll be digging out of a hole for years to come. So no matter the anniversary symbol, whether it’s Wool (Yr. 7), Tin Aluminum (Yr. 10), Silk (Yr. 12), or Lace (Yr. 13), you’re probably stuck with wrapping said symbol around a Tiffany’s box and hoping it counts.

Postscript – Notice on the Wiki list nothing is listed for 16, and yet, 17 and 18 are claimed? Isn’t this a WIDE OPEN WINDOW OF OPPORTUNITY for any consumer product? Just imagine this, 16 years into your marriage. “Honey, I wanted to get you a watch, but well, Year 16 doesn’t call for a watch. Instead, here’s a football helmet filled with Fritos. Love You!

(Duck immediately.)