We Don't Sell Chicken

As some of you in the DC area may have seen, my company is currently in the middle of a massive talent recruitment initiative. When you work for a company whose name is an acronym, there’s not a whole lot that can be done to 1) distinguish you from your acronymic rivals or 2) give the people an actual clue into what you do all day. In the past, there were only a few companies that went by such abbreviations, and with their numbers being so paltry, it was easy to remember that AT&T were the telephone folks, IBM were the computer folks, KFC were the chicken folks, and 3M were the Post-It folks.

Nevermind that 3M stands for “Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing. Coal miners need partially adhesive neon paper reminders too, you know.

Anyways, my company has presented itself as an employer of choice in the federal contracting biz, and with just cause. We all know it, but since you aren’t our customer, you probably don’t know it. And in order to not be confused with the chicken folks – South American Incredible Chicken? – a massive Metrobus and Metrorail ad campaign was rolled out a few months ago.

How does one instill confidence in an acronym that doesn’t sell chicken?

Well, the ads need to look intelligent, strong, and reassuring. You use bold, patriotic colors and strong words about how important our work is to America’s freedom. These are going to be displayed on the back of public buses, which means for lack of a better term – in traffic. You want people to be proud of your company’s work, so much that you want to work for them and join in. Maybe some bald eagles would help the graphic.

Pretty much, make it look like the Colbert Report.

We’ve got a Corporate Publications Department that makes these types of things, and they know what verbiage and what color schemes make a good ad. But the one place they need input from the company’s talent is well, pictures of the talent. Now the first round of billboards picked three people I’ve never met to stand guard on the billboards, standing to the left – and looking up and to the right – as if our shareholders’ report was being delivered by Superman at that very moment.

(Of course, this begs the question – if we had access to Superman, why the hell didn’t we put him ON THE ADS, and not just the equivalent of the little birdie Mr. Photographer uses to make babies smile at Sears? Eh, he’s probably under contract, anyways.)

Well, we’re into Round 2 of the campaign now and we’ve got three new people on the ads. And the weird part is I actually have seen two of them before. In a company of 40,000+ people, that’s saying something. Yep, these two know each other, as I see them frequently in the gym. In fact, they’re a couple to the best of my knowledge. They both come and leave the gym at the same time, and based on their casual nature of conversing, they clearly know each other…well. In the gym, conversing is supposed to be awkward and meaningless, as you gently try and convince someone you want to use the machine they’re on without actually saying so. These two? They’re great looking, both of ‘em. In a company of scientists and engineers, these two are a Hollywood couple, while everyone else is, well, Professor Frink and Doctor Nick. It makes total sense they are now part of the ad campaign.

But why not Condon? Hey, I just got a haircut, didn’t I? I could be inspired by Superman off-camera with the best of them.