They Should Make Britches Bigger

Ok, so yesterday’s post didn’t go as planned. It was planned that a post would be written, and as it turns out, it was not. Weird.

So as you all know, I now am blogging live from the comfy confines of an actual office. While my door is always open (unless closed), I am able to enjoy relative privacy and a sense of detachment from the cubicular world. Now from a productivity standpoint, this suits me just fine – the fewer entrances to my workspace, the better. However, from a comedy standpoint, living in the land of half-walls and modular furniture was a waterfall of material for YAB. And with grad school being a distant memory at this point, it was nice to have cube comedy to fall back on when the funnywell runs dry.

Note: if you drop a penny in the funnywell, don’t expect your wish to come true. Expect a pie in the groin.

So have we seen the last of the comedy that calls Cubeworld home? Well, judging from an e-mail I got this morning, the answer is no.

Passive-aggressive behavior is when a person exhibits conduct that attacks others in a manner that disguises itself as anything but an attack. It’s for those who are too weak to make a statement but would like to see things change anyways. While enormously frustrating, it’s still better than the lesser-known Aggressive-passive behavior, where people are trying to keep their opinions as low profile as possible, but yell them aloud while sleeping and run into office furniture while talking.

Well, a case of the former hit my inbox with all the trimmings of a textbook passive-aggressive. While the subject line remained blank (something that kills me) and the addressee list was suppressed, the point of the email was clear. We have a newbie to our floor, who started maybe a month ago. In this person’s previous position, they were in an office. Now the rock the cube. And as the e-mail will go on to insist – this person is having a little trouble adjusting. It reads:

CUBICLE ETIQUETTE By Jill Bremer, Bremer Communications (note: This is Jill Bremer. She’s a certified Image Professional. And I’m the King of Sweden.)

“Is your current workspace a cubicle? Life in a cube presents certain challenges. Studies show that most workers are not thrilled with the idea of working in a cube because of the lack of privacy and the increased noise. Here, then, is a set of ground rules that will help cube dwellers remain both productive and neighborly.

(What follows are some suggestions as just how one might remain neighborly. We will promptly do our civic duty to mock the most glaring inclusions.)

• Post a sign or flag at your cube entrance to signal when you can be interrupted. -- I had no idea that I needed a cursory knowledge of semaphore. We're going to need a bigger boat.
• Keep your hands off a cube dweller’s desk. Just because there’s no door doesn’t mean you can't help yourself to their paper clips. -- This is why Kill Bremer is no Image Professional (whatever that means.) She has no idea of the difference between can and can't. Paper clips for all?!?
• When you leave your cubicle, turn your phone ringer off and let it go to voicemail or forward your phone number to your new location. -- Do you realize how many times I get out of my chair in a day? Sorry about not finishing those reports, Bob, but I was busy configuring my phone for the 6 trips to the water fountain, the 3 to the restroom, and twice to beat my head against the Wall of Stupidity.
• Set pagers to vibrate -- and set phasers to stun. Look, I'd much rather have the beeping of a Blackberry than the recurring rumble of the PDA vibrating across somebody's desk. No jackhammers allowed.
• Use your “library voice”. -- Guess what, Jill - there's no such thing as libraries anymore. Kids use the Internet these days, and if someone wants to read a book for free, they go to Borders. Therefore, the term "library voice" has been officially abolished. Starting...now.