Yes, we all know that new television season is upon us, and yes, programming is becoming more and more original and refreshing in this fallout from the reality show overload phase of our society. This week, Aaron Sorkin has once again hooked us with Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip and The Office started strong last night as well. Now we’re just killing time until October 5 gets here, whereby Lost will become a regular part of our lives once more.
But sometimes, you just miss the past.
Despite being a child of the seventies, my first full decade and thus, my childhood, occurred in the eighties. For the most part, my parents would probably describe as a kid who preferred the outdoors to the indoors, taking many an opportunity to fall out of trees and scare the heck out of them. But that should not and will not the quality of television in the eighties. You want a reality show, studio execs? Bring back American Gladiators.
Yeah, you heard me.
Look, AG is completely relevant in our day. It combined the ability for the everyman to do battle with steroids, personified in the form of enormous gladiators with random one-word names. Sure, we understand names like Turbo, Tank, and Storm, but others have left us scratching our heads. Malibu? Sunny? Dallas? Zap? What kind of names are these? I’m surprised that Gwenyth Paltrow wasn’t a fan of this show. Arbitrary nouns make great names.
Having begun in glory back in ’89, we’ll give credit to AG as an eighties show, even though it stretched its lifespan ‘til ’97. And yes, the great Joe Theisman? He was a studio analyst for the show in ’89. God, I hope Kornheiser brings this up on MNF someday.
But we’re scattering from the point. Not only was American Gladiators a launching pad for a crappy ex-jock commentator, it was the ultimate means to settle disputes. You got a problem? Why don’t you overcome it while tennis balls are shot out of a cannon at your head at 105 mph. And we here at YAB have decided to settle one of the all-time Great 80’s Debates by pitting two hostile gangs against one another in an AG cage match, tale of the tape style. Without further ado, let’s declare a winner of...
SMURFS versus SNORKS
Breakthrough and Conquer – AllStar vs. Papa Smurf – The leader of their respective squads, these two lead off the competition with a football-like game that has been breeded with wrestling. Now, neither stand a chance in a game where a Gladiator is charged with pushing a midget cartoon character out of a ring, but AllStar’s blinding speed allows him to go five-hole through the legs of Malibu to the finish line. Papa Smurf crumbles into an arthritic heap. Sorry, Pops. EDGE – SNORKS!
Assault – Smurfette vs. Casey Kelp – Yes, it’s Ladies Night in the event where the REAL objective is not getting drilled in the face by a tennis ball from Diamond or Gemini. Casey Kelp was paired up with AllStar on the Snorks, and since Snorks often find themselves in peril (c’mon, they’re underwater and the size of breakfast croissants), they needed a gutsy girl Snork to help AllStar overcome evil. That was Casey – she was a Tomsnork. Smurfette, while often helpful against the likes of Gargamel, was ultimately eye candy in the weirdest communal living situation in cartoon history. Casey has the dead-eye aim to hit the target and end the game with the crossbow from 30 yards out. EDGE: SNORKS!
Powerball – Brainy Smurf vs. Tooter – Has anyone noticed that the number one skill a Gladiator needed to be on the show was “tackling?” After Breakthrough and Conquer, Hang Tough and about 3 other events, if you could wrap your arms around an opponent and take them down to the ground, you had a steady job for years to come. I’m not advocating supplementary cooking challenges, but it just seems like too much of one athletic feat, you know? Anyway, Powerball is a game of angles and geometry. It’s about picking the shortest line to whatever basket is along the path of lease resistence. It requires cunning, wit, and intelligence. None of which you find in a Snork who speaks through musical notes out of a long forehead tube. EDGE: SMURFS!
Joust – Jokey Smurf vs. Junior Wetworth – Junior Wetworth was a classic example of the eighties cartoon villain. It was actually his father, the mayor or something, that caused the most destruction to the general Snork way of life. But since no one likes to watch a bunch of kids doing battle with the government, they created a son of the Mayor, who is as whiny as he is corrupt. It’s a Draco Malfoy complex, really. And like Draco, Junior Wetworth has no business in the Joust. Jokey Smurf employs an exploding jousting paddle, sending Blaze to the mat. EDGE – SMURFS!
Hang Tough – Vanity Smurf vs. Daffney – This is no doubt the most insane event they had on American Gladiators. Can you imagine the pitch meeting in which this became reality? “What if we take our ordinary competitors and make them hang to rings, and then have our Gladiators hang off them and make ‘em fall? Yeah!! Wait, but what if the Gladiators accidentally grab on and pull off the competitor’s pants? We’re so low budget, we can’t afford the blue censor dot!! OH! I’ve got a solution! Spandex FOR EVERYBODY! Dude, you’re a genius.” Oh, by the way, this event is a complete draw – Vanity Smurf and Daffney are complete pansies and neither species has much in the way of upper body strength. EDGE: DRAW!
The Eliminator – Hefty Smurf vs. Dimmy – We need not waste blog space listing the credentials of a guy named Hefty Smurf, as he was an obvious choice to take on AG’s killer final obstacle course challenge. Dimmy on the other hand, is clearly the A.C. Slater to AllStar’s Zack Morris. He dates the Snork referred to on Wiki as “the prettiest Snork,” he’s clearly stronger, and damn is elastic-waist stone-washed jeans existing underwater, Dimmy would be sure to don a pair. (For what it’s worth, that makes Tooter the Screech Snork.) But if you want a be a champ, you can’t let girls and fashion get in the way. Hefty Smurf lives to lift weights (and pound the crap out of Brainy Smurf), and frankly, he’s been training for this all his life. Dimmy gets railed by Nitro in the gauntlet and Hefty takes this in a walk. EDGE: SMURFS!
It’s the SMURFS in a 3-2 decision.
2 comments:
Best Post EVER!
Did you know I went to American Gladiators Live. In like 1992. It was awesome. I met Mike Adamle. He was a tool.
Nitro was HOT! He was in an episode of SBTB:College Years.
Do you remember the International Gladitaors? Horrible show.
I wonder if AG will ever be aired again?
That would be awesome.
Oh and smurfs rule!
Who was the deaf girl gladiator? She was the one I didn't like, even though I know that you were supposed to because she overcame her disability and stuff.
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