Accentuate the Positive

Having grown up in South Jersey, I really can’t say I have an accent that has followed me up and down the coast. There are some local buzzwords that have some homegrown variation to them, I suppose, (water, crayons, hoagie), but for the most part, it’s Americanized as you can get. (And I’m pretty sure that only non-NJians refer to it as “Joysey.”) Now some words come out strangely Canadian (out, about, Simon Gagne), but like I said, no one’s going to know where I came from because of my diction and speech.

As a non-accented American, I stand envious of many people that do have the fortunate burden of bringing an accent with them. Boston, Fargo, Brooklyn – all of them come off as pretty cool. And even more so, there are foreign accents that totally rock, and it is the opinion of Monrovia Top 5 that “Scottish” would be the king of said rock. I’m kind of partial to English, personally – perhaps because there are so many variations. There’s Liverpool and Cockney, The Queen’s English, and my personal favorite – Russell Crowe Mumbling. From Gladiator to Master and Commander to Beautiful Mind, the Aussie always sounds like he’s doing his best Beatles impression under his breath. (See this week’s tagline for an example.)

In fact, there’s one line in the Catholic Mass that the Crowe voice is perfect for. “I am not worthy to receive You, but only say the word and I shall be healed.” Try it, and I guarantee not only will you get God laugh to Himself, as a bonus, your spouse will shake his/her head in disapproval.

But as a non-accented American, I have no other opportunity to try out other inflections in the real world. Most people I talk to on a daily basis already know what I sound like, and will call me out that my Jamaican accent, well, is less than authentic. If you would like to use accents in your daily life, you are left with two types of people: people who have never met you, and people you’ll only see briefly and they won’t remember you. I believe it was the great Tyler Durden who called them “single-serving friends.”

Where does one find single-serving friends on which to test out thy most remarkable accents? Most often, they will be located in various arenas of commerce. Mall employees, drive-thru attendants, retail cashiers – all of these people fit the bill. Not only do they not know you well enough to call out your best Irish brogue, they probably don’t care either. I once had an entire conversation about different-colored Saran wraps in the Williamsburg Target with my best Irish accent. (Of course, you must pick a store with many shifts to attempt such a feat – bank tellers will likely see you again, and you’ll be forced to go foreign-national every damn time you need some cash.

So that’s the latter group of the abovementioned duo. The former? People who have never met you. As far as I know, I only have one recurring relationship that requires me to use an accent each time – (my Canadian one, if you must know) – and that’s one of the vendors who calls my office every now and then. Remember when I talked about area codes? Yeah. This is a construction company’s A/R office located in Kansas City. And a long time ago, when they first bugged me, I think I may have said the word “out” with a tad too much “u.” She then asked if I was from Canada? And for reasons unknown, I responded “Manitoba.” Saw in the five phone calls over the last two years from her, I’ve been Canadian. Weird, huh?

The reason we write on accents today is of the utmost importance. After all, I have a meeting next month in which I will meet someone new that I will work very closely with for a long, long, long, LONG, long, long time. From an accent standpoint, this would be the Ultimate Challenge. Take an accent and run with it for the rest of your life. Of course, I’m trying to convince Katie to go along with it, as her cooperation would be crucial. So people, what do you say?

Should our baby girl go through life thinking her parents are British?