Against the Spread

This morning I watched another employee struggle mightily to prepare his on-the-go breakfast. His intent was simple enough; his plan consisted of going to the cafeteria, buying a bagel, affixing his spread of choice to said bagel, paying, and eating. End of transaction.

As I waited patiently behind him (close enough to make sure he knew I was there but not close enough to be categorized as “looming,”), I watched as he became unhinged when it came time to select his bagel topping of choice. And then when he realized that the marmalade he was putting on his bagel was actually honey, he looked at me, with complete regret, and said, “You know, I thought this was marmalade.” Not being a marmalade connoisseur and having no capacity to reverse his tragic error, I did the only thing I could think of –

I shrugged. And then I composed this list so that you don’t make the same mistake.

Top 10 Bagel Toppers (delivered Letterman fashion)

10. HONEY – Even though I spent much of my formidable childhood watching a bear with no pants and no self-confidence get his head stuck in a pot of this stuff, I’ve never quite figured out the allure of honey. From the way it looks in the Winnie the Pooh cartoons, it looks like it should taste way better than it does. You know what? Honey should taste like butterscotch. That’s what it looks like in the cartoon. I would eat butterscotch on a bagel – that would be great. It would eliminate honey as a condiment, and it could even usurp the name “honey.” That way, grown men don’t have to utter ridiculous sounding words like butterscotch. Ok, I’m done now.

9. MARMALADE – Look, I think this stuff, on a bagel or not, is even grosser that honey. But you should have seen the dejection in that guy’s eyes this morning. So I’m going to give marmalade the 9 slot in hopes that this guy who I’ve never seen before in my life and don’t even know the name of is a loyal reader of YAB and this will brighten his day. (I kid you not; he looked like someone just kicked his puppy.)

8. JELLY – Yeah, it’s got to be a bit of a disappointment to see jelly / jam / preserves / whatever fall so far down this list. But I just think about all those times I’ve been to diners and have seen that little jelly holder in the middle of the table go completely untouched when people are trying to improve their bagel. And don’t tell me that the service at the diner fills it back up every time new customers come in. Diner service isn’t that helpful. Or health code regulated.

7. BUTTER – Yeah, another top seed falls early here. It’s not that we think butter is an inferior condiment by any means. It’s just that bagels are not Butter’s wheelhouse. Toast and English Muffins – this is where Butter just schools the rest of them. But when the amount of volume of bread in the breakfast item increases, Butter just doesn’t keep up. There are melting issues, and there are no nooks, nor are there crannies to inspire Butter to bring it’s a-Game.

6. LOX – You want to look grown-up in a fancy breakfast business meeting? Ask for lox for your bagel. Nothing like cold fish in the morning make a healthy breakfast. Is that fish your impressed boss smells? Nay. It’s respect.

5. VEGGIE SPREAD – Widely considered to be part of the cream cheese family, we feel that the veggie spread gets the due it so rightly deserves here at Number 5. You feel like your doing your body good by opting for an item that has the same caloric intake as regular cream cheese, but since there are miniscule specks of generic vegetables known as “green” and “red” in there, it’s like being on a diet. Ah, the mind games of breakfast – much like how McGriddles are good for you because it combines all the foods your were planning to order and reduces the quantity of food you eat, right? (Ed. Note – McGriddles are the worst culinary invention since Gogurt.)

4. NUTELLA – During my freshman year of college, roommate David Reif kept a jar of this stuff in his closet. A combination of chocolate, hazelnut, and Italian swarthiness, it appears that someone in Europe manages to convince their parents it was cool to have chocolate for breakfast. I didn’t really understand until I had it myself for many a meal on my European trip. But I still don’t understand why Dave kept it in his closet with a 7-month old hockey puck of a bagel, his brother Peter, and a 6 pack of crappy warm beer he found on the way home from the delis one night.

3. PEANUT BUTTER – Peanut butter is essentially the Peyton Manning of bagel toppings. In so many lists and rankings, one can expect PB to show up near the top, being flawless in craving-satisfaction as well as textural enjoyment. But somehow, peanut butter never makes anyone’s Desert Island List of Must-Have Foods. Why is this? I’ll tell you why. It’s out of protest. Personally, I enjoy reduced-fat peanut butter, for bagels and otherwise. I like it a lot – enough to make it Number 3. And yet, the Man only sells reduced-fat peanut butter in the tiny jars in your local supermarket. What the? This is why you’re never in the title game, Peyton Butter.

2. CREAM CHEESE – Except for the darkhorse candidate about to follow, this is the choice that destroys all the rest. Cream cheese is a light, tasty, enjoyable spread that will not melt, run, or do whatever the heck jelly does to get on your pants. Plus, I’ve got a bit of a hometown bias. From Kraft’s website: The name "Philadelphia Brand cream cheese" was adopted by Reynolds for the product because at that time, top-quality food products often originated in or were associated with the city, and were often referred to as being "Philadelphia quality." Heck yeah!

1. PIZZA – I’d like to quote the following poem in order to justify our top slot.

Pizza in the morning.
Pizza in the evening.
Pizza at suppertime.
When pizza’s on a bagel,
You can eat pizza.
Anytime.