Right Said Wooderson

This is where we pull a Timberlake and “bring it to the chorus.”

Earlier this week, it was revealed that Chris Condon (among others) was chosen as Time’s Person of the Year. And since weekly magazines have somehow become THE go-to authority on the ranking of humanity, I’ve officially captured the first part of the All-Human Trifecta. It took a mere 27 years to be designated as awesome in every regard, and now I can move on to the next two. I realize I may have to catch eleventy billion more flag football TD’s and master a slow-pitch softball bleachers stroke in order to gain the Sports Illustrated “Athlete of the Year” crown, but in the mean time, we’ll turn our attention to making some New Year’s Resolution for eating right and staying trim in order to become People’s Sexiest Man Alive.

So, looking up the list on People’s chart, I see that Matthew McConaughey, of Dazed and Confused fame, recently lost his throne to George Clooney. So there’s little doubt that McConaughey will work on his sexy even harder in ’07 to regain his crown. Another bastion of Authoritude, Entertainment Weekly, decided they needed to kill some time until “We Are Marshall” rolls out and interviewed Matthew on his lifestyle, his looks, and his lager of choice. And from that interview, the editors at EW pondered:

“Is Matthew McConaughey TOO sexy for his own good?

It’s a tough question to deal with – after all, who gets to decide if and what the Sexy Threshold is. Sure, this man has charmed in romantic comedies, played the tough-guy roles, and somehow found a way to take off his shirt for no reason whatsoever (see this Matt Damon on Letterman clip for more), but how in the world do the people at People even determine and quantify a level of sexiness??

As usual, YAB has the answer.

We’ve employed the RSF Method, founded by a couple of bald, mesh-shirt lab-coated brothers in 1991 has set the standard for the Sexy Threshold. Rather than get numbers and complex equations in everyone’s head (a big mistake, since Dr. Thomas Dolby was earlier blinded by science), they kept it simple. One is to measure their sexiness on a TOO/NOT TOO scale, using several commonplace items as barometers. We apply this test to Matthew McConaughey here.

Item 1: “LOVE”: Well, the man’s biggest box office successes (after A Time to Kill) were all romantic comedies. How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days and Failure to Launch made a combined 193 million at the Box Office. It appears that if he’s choosing his projects well, he should do one of these every couple years, so love (love)’s not going to leave him. VERDICT: NOT TOO SEXY!

Item 2: “SHIRT”: The most obvious item – if U-571 hadn’t taken place on a submarine in the middle of the freezing North Atlantic, he probably would have gone topless. VERDIT: TOO SEXY!

Item 3: “MILAN, NY, and JAPAN” – Three items really, but these three major fashion meccas are rarely the filming location of a Matthew McConaughey flick. Sahara was probably the closest to Milan (filmed in Morocco), and while you thought it was New York, most of “Two for the Money” was in NYC’s kid brother, Vancouver. VERDICT: TOO SEXY!

Item 4: “YOUR PARTY” – Observe the way he’s disco dancing. And the way he tried to stop his own wedding from happening in The Wedding Planner. (Ok, technically, it was “his” party.) VERDICT: TOO SEXY!

Item 5: “CAR” – In Failure to Launch, he has a car but prefers his boat. In Reign of Fire, he prefers dragons. U-571 it was submarines. But Dazed and Confused, Wooderson’s life (other than high school chicks) IS his car. VERDICT: NOT TOO SEXY!

Item 6: “HAT” – I’m starting to think that the Brothers Fred were just coming up with words that rhyme rather than conducting astute scientific research. Anyways, McConaughey wears an assortment of hats in his movies, most regrettably one of the California Angels in the 1994 flick, Angels in the Outfield. VERDICT: NOT TOO SEXY!

Item 7: “CAT” – The man is a Longhorn, an alumnus of the University of Texas. On September 30th, Texas hosted the Sam Houston State Bearkats and destroyed them, 56-3. VERDICT: TOO SEXY!

And by a 4-3 judges’ decision, it appears that Matthew McConaughey is too sexy for his own good.