Yep. Going to Hell For This One.

The Prodigal Roommate stumbled across a website that for any fan of film, is really pure gold. The site, Christian Analysis of American Culture, managed by an extremely sensitive sect of Christianity, aims to make things more complicated by bringing numbers and mathematics into something whose annual awards is based entirely on subjectivity: the movies. As we’ve stated before, if math needs to be part of the cinema, there better be pantsless ducks involved.

The goal of the website is indeed noble – to review movies for moral content (or lack thereof), and to ensure that our greatest art medium can exist under the watchful eye of God. Of course God likes movies. If God didn’t like movies, he would have pressed the “Smite” button on His iPhone and aimed it at Hollywood decades ago. (Considering that would have spared us from the Rob Schneider Complete Works, maybe that wouldn’t have been too bad.) Yeah, He probably gets annoyed when sub-par actors are tapped to play Him (Alanis Morrisette) over better choices (Morgan Freeman), but wouldn’t you? I’d go off the handle to find out someone like John Corbett was playing me.

But the good people at the CAAC may have gone a little too far. Simply put, any movie can be rated on a God scale from 0 to 100. A reviewer sits down an watches the movie, and makes a little x in his notebook anytime something that would make St.Peter frown at you happens. And then some. Yeah, we know that violence, profanity, and sexual situations warrant checkmarks – even the MPAA agrees here – but they’ve made sure that ANYTHING from such categories are covered. This includes:

Violence: Buzz Lightyear’s reckless use of firearms in “Toy Story”
Profanity: The name-calling directed at Charlie Brown in “A Charlie Brown Christmas” (Blockhead?)
Sexuality: The two infernal instances when Mr. Incredible gets smacked on the butt by his wife in “The Incredibles.”

(Note: Speaking of The Incredibles, an outraged reader wrote to make sure that the Pixar flick got its proper rating of below a 68 because of the baby whose special power of shape-shifting is not harmless, but rather a demonic portrayal of Satan. Umm, right.)

You see? No movie is safe from the influence of Satan!!! Not Doug’s 1st Movie (the peace sign is a Satanic symbol.) Not March of the Penguins (freezing in Antarctica? Blaspehmy!) Not even Basic – okay this Travolta film scored a 2 out of 100. It probably did a lot of things wrong – including, and I quote “had bars.” Even Baby Geniuses, most hated of all movies, gets a 59 for “a toddler throwing an iron at an adult” and “husband and wife together in bed in sleepclothes.”

Eh, nobody’s perfect.

Actually, it appears that someone IS in fact perfect. Her name? Why, it’s Mary Poppins!

Mary Poppins, the 1964 Disney classic is the only mainstream flick to receive 100 out of 100. The review was even conducted by CAAC President, Thomas Carder. According to the God Squad, there is nothing in this movie that would constitute WISDOM – or Wanton Violence, Impudence, Sex, Drugs/Alcohol, Offense to God, and Murder. (Yes, these are actual categories.) Now, I like to think that there’s something wrong here. How does Mary Poppins evade the scorn that earned Muppets from Space only a 95??

(In case you were wondering, -5 for Miss Piggy’s revealing mini skirt. Um, what scantily-clad, er, felt you have?)

Using the CAAC method of critical lunacy, lets knock Ms. Poppins down the ladder a bit, shall we? (Hello, WISDOM METHOD!)

W – W is for Wanton Violence, apparently. Why wanton? Because VISDOM sounds stupid. You know very early on in the film when a strong gust of wind blows all the job applicants for nanny down the street, clearing the path for the one with impeccable credentials? If the wind wasn’t violent enough, consider the fact that down the street was the Old Westington Fork and Harpoon Shoppe. Ouch. -1

I – Ah, Impudence/Hate. Why do the children need a nanny anyway? Oh, THAT’s right – because Mrs. Banks wants to save the world through the suffrage of women! Mr. Banks hates this, and demands we stop the suffraging of women. It’s cruel, you know. -1

S – the S is for Sex/Homosexuality. One WOULD think that we’d be safe from all accounts of non-married love in such a sweet story, but THINK AGAIN! As Wikipedia and IMDB have pointed out to me, “At one point in the song, Mary opens the window and performs a brief duet with a robin. It is two male robins building the nest outside the window, which is unlikely.” Gay robins? Not on the watch of CAAC! -3

D – the D is for Drugs/Alcohol. A Spoonful of Sugar? Yeah, maybe the first time, and even the second. But remember, sugar can be just as addictive as either drugs or alcohol. Sure, one moment you’re taking a little of the white stuff off the top in order to do your chores quicker, the next you’re freebasing Frosted Flakes behind the toy chest while the chimney sweep keeps an eye out for the fuzz. -8

O – O is for Offense to God. There is little debate that the most famous word from the film is “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious." Did you know that if you say it backwards, it sounds like “Minions of Lucifer, bow before Zod?” Yeah, that’s just what I heard. -6

M – Um, murder and suicide? Ok, well there’s, um, wasn’t there a depressed penguin or something? No? Ok, no points off.

You see, Mary Poppins is just like the rest of us, immoral as they come. She gets an 81, which makes her no better than Cheaper by the Dozen, Dudley Do-Right, Runaway Bride, and Star Trek: Insurrection?