Two Wheels of Fury

“Even in the future when kids are fat, immobile technaddicts, nothing will beat waking up Christmas morning and finding a shiny, new bicycle under the tree.”
- Spud Mellor, Monrovia Top Five

And while we like this quote just because of the coining of “technaddicts” it appears that in his ode to his first red bike, Mr. Mellor is clearly on to something. Although it should be pointed out that unless he lived outside in an evergreen forest, his and every other Christmas morning bicycle probably rested next to the tree and not under it. That’s why God invented kickstands – so shiny new bikes don’t fall into the tree and ruin Christmas.

While I was unable to post to MT5 that particular week due to Blogger playing Scrooge, I, too, would have made sure a shiny new two-wheeler was part of my list. Before I write my own personal ode to a bicycle, I think it’s worth taking a gander at the latest bike to roll down the line.

Is it a Huffy? No.
Schwinn? Uh-uh.
Trek? Don’t think so.
Mercedes? Of course!

As if making reliable German luxury cars wasn’t enough, it seems that the automaker has finally rolled out their auto show prototype BICYCLE. Yes, it seems that since Germany didn’t win the World Cup, they have instead focused their efforts to the world of cycling. Jan Ulrich aside, this just might be the bike that takes them to the forefront of Ich Sport de Tightpants.

The Mercedes bike, according to the linked press release, has some features quite nicer than the Point A-to-Point B stuff we Americans are used to. An intelligent lighting system operates to provide safety features in close quarters, as well as ask you impossible Trivial Pursuit questions (probably Science and Nature) during your bike ride. An on-board computer does an array of functions from displaying speed and gear, to flashing a lateral red light back and forth with the voice of Mr. Feeney from Boy Meets World. But the most revolutionary bicycular advancement on the Mercedes bike?

An automatic transmission.

Yes, while you are shifting gears with your hands like a sucker, the Germans are letting the machine do the work FOR THEM. Face it, your hands are busy enough with minor tasks like “steering the bicycle” and “not falling off,” they could use a break. The Mercedes bike does the work for you by calculating speed and incline to determine the ideal gear. That’s why it’s the Mercedes is the Mercedes of Bicycles.

Now let me introduce you to the Saturn.

Known for affordability, initial dependability and reliability, both the Saturn and my Huffy Mountain Bike get off to flying color starts. They serve their purpose with a limited sense of style. This is a Huffy I probably got in 6th grade or so. It was the third in a line of bikes for me; the first had been handed down, and then I really put the pedal to the metal with my first red 10-speed. However, as my riding got more aggressive (read:off-road), it was clear that it was time for an upgrade and Santa came through. BIG TIME.

This was 1991.

NINE YEARS LATER, I brought the aptly-named Huffy Death Trap to college with me for my freshman year. I had grown 13 inches in that time; the bike did not. Its gears? Squeakier. So much that you could hear it coming at the UC if I was still at Monroe. Had it had an equivalent on-board computer, it wouldn’t have been capable of speed and gear readings. Its processing power?

Perhaps it was more the speed of “The Cow Says Mooooooo.”

RIP, HDT.