Plants Before Children

There’s an old saying that provides a litmus test for those thinking about bringing a child into this world. It’s logic is simple, sound, and while in completely different kingdoms of organisms, it’s true. Yes, for those who want to raise a baby and aren’t sure if they can handle the responsibility, start things off more simply.

Start with a plant.

Now Katie and I actually have never co-owned a plant in either of our two apartments, but regardless, we’re not rushing out to the local greenhouse for a test fit, T-minus four weeks to baby. So as a married couple, we can’t really speak towards that aforementioned adage that has been passed on from generation to generation, from apprehensive grandparent-to-be to apprehensive grandparent-to-be. Yep, we’re just not a test case for this.

On the other hand…

There was a time where I did put this saying to the test, and from the experiment that was conducted in the fall of 1999, the conclusions were unanimous, absolute, and conclusive. Based on our findings,

Four college guys in an apartment are not capable of raising a baby.

We know this not because Steve Gutenberg wasn’t a roommate. We know this because we, the Fantastic Four of Governor’s Square, couldn’t even manage to raise a plant. And it was certainly not out of a lack of trying. Sophomore year, we brought a little fauna into the world, and he was beautiful. Leafy and green, we were four proud fathers of our little guy.

He was named Endor.

Yes, as proud parents, we’re not necessarily recommending naming your child using the Star Wars Book of Names, but it worked. You see, Endor was a forest moon that was chosen by Imperial Empire to hide their shield generators for the Second Death Star. By using the green foliage to hide massive amounts of technology, the planet Endor served its purpose. And as for our Endor? What did he hide?

Surround-sound speaker wire.

Yep, it may not the best reason to bring new life into your home, but that’s pretty much the reason we’d have to impart to our little guy if he ever asked. Fortunately for him, he never asked. Fortunately for us, our plant didn’t talk at all. That would be a bit strange. Nordberg might have evicted Endor.

So where did we go wrong?

It’s not hard to remember to feed a plant that sits on the floor near a high-traffic walkway between the living room and the office. We did that alright, and most times, we even remembered that water works way better than Mountain Dew. After all, watering Endor would make him grow taller, and well, further obscure the view of the audio wires. However, his location in a largely windowless room didn’t give him the sunlight he so sorely needed. That’s why we would remember to put him out on the balcony every now and then.

Remembering to bring him back in, however, was a little harder.

RIP Endor
(1999-1999)