The Story of the Secret Magi

As everybody knows, the Holy Gospel that foretells the birth of Jesus Christ comes to us courtesy of four ancient writers - Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John. In addition to their universal roles as Biblical historians, the four have effectively served as our New Testament media outlets, reporting on the breaking news that occurred in Bethlehem that magical evening. Had the arrival of Christ occurred in modern-day times, we would no doubt expect to find the Gospel authors sitting at the network news desks of NBC, ABC, CBS, and Fox. (It is also widely expected that the Fox Network would have hired Mark; a man of such literary brevity would have no problem working in promos for a very exciting episode of Prison Break to immediately follow the broadcast.)

With such news to break, it's likely that the Big 4 networks would probably have little time to cover the human interest stories surrounding the Nativity. (Katie Couric would have been sold to the TLC Channel for thirty pieces of silver.) And with that, this is THE story, that would be featured by TLC's newest anchorwoman on this Christmas Day.

(Turns out the ancient Greek for "Cable" is "Apocrypha.")

In the time that was known as B.C. (but prior to the time that anyone actually knew what the "C" meant), with the holiday season fast approaching, it was time for the annual inter-kingdom Secret Sant- er, um, Secret Magi. In a annual giving tradition orchestrated by the One called "I Am," it was a custom in which each king was given a the name of another king on a tiny slip of parchment, and it became his goal to find a gift for that king. This not only embodied the spirit of the season, but a good gift would also foster positive trade relationships during the next harvest.

With only the three participants, Caspar, Melchior, and Balthazar, there was not much variety in the gifts, nor was there much surprise. After all, if Caspar read his slip of parchment to be "Melchior," he then knew that Balthasar must have drawn his name; for if two of the kings drew each other's names, one would be stuck purchasing a gift for himself. This is why Jacob had twelve sons - to make Secret Magi a surprise every year.

So when Caspar opened his slip this year to not read one of his two fellow rulers, but rather the name "Emmanuel," there was a little confusion. For ages, there had only been the three of them (Herod was expelled after 9 consecutive years of giving the gift of fruitcake), and now a new name had popped in the mix. Who was this Emmanuel? What does he rule over? Does he remember to include gift receipts?

The same confusion befell Melchior, who opened his slip to read "Wonderful Counselor." This must have been a pseudonym of another entrant - after all, the Divine Organizer that puts together this whole shindig probably didn't extend the circle to therapists. (In ancient times, therapists were somewhere on the salvation chain between Pharisees and tax collectors.) Nevertheless, Melchior figured he'd go with his old standby: Frankincense.

And thirdly, there was Balthasar. Upon opening his parchment to see the name "Prince of Peace," he had an initial hesitation. A Prince?? Now we're just letting any level of royalty into this gift exchange? Eh, I guess it doesn't really matter. Maybe Caspar will have him, and give him the gift of Gold. (Which Balthasar will then have his smiths smelt into a beautiful amulet to give to the Queen - he always hated the Marketplace with the crowds and not being able to find a place to park his camel anywhere.) Having sent all of the spare chalices and ornaments to the teachers of his children, he searched through his majestic pantry to settle on a gift for the prince - a designer embalming fluid called "Myrrh."

Gift exchanges usually happened by post - as respective rulers, no one could leave for too long - there were kingdoms to manage. But this year, with new entrants to the fray, there was special instructions to meet in a town known as Bethlehem. And since no one had yet invented Mapquest, the three had to rely on their rudimentary astronomy skills and follow a light in the sky. No one asked questions, and well, the rest was history.

And at his heavenly desk, amidst scraps of parchment and ink, God smiled down upon the gathering of kings (only 4, not 6 as the Original Kings of Holiday had thought) that was about to commence in a barn just outside the Inn.

Merry Christmas, YAB Nation.