Off the Cutting Room Floor

A short time ago in a production studio far, far away...

It is a period of cinematic unrest. Rebel directors, who can't be satisfied with their own work, have won their latest victory against their uberloyal fanbase. During the battle, the rebel managed to recut famous scenes in his storied trilogy, STAR WARS, a highly successful and quality movie series from the late 70s and early 80s. Protested by many of the principal characters, George Lucas races home to his boardroom, where he must defend his way to make a cheap buck...

George Lucas: I am glad you all agreed to meet with me on such short notice. I have some important things I want to discuss regarding my movies, of which you all were a great part of.
Darth Vader: You should not have come back!
Lucas: You are entitled to your opinion, Lord Vader. However, as sole proprietor of this re-re-re-release of this trilogy, now in DVD format, I've decided to make some changes, ya know, to improve them,
Princess Leia: Imperial Senate will not sit still for this. When they hear you've-
Lucas: I've what? All I'm doing is making the stories more complete. I want to add in images of characters from the prequels to make it more complete. And since Guinness isn't around anymore to stop me...
Obi-Wan Kenobi:Oh he's not dead...not yet.
Luke Skywalker: You know him?
Kenobi: Of course I know him. He's me.
Lucas: Well I'll be a drunken pod-racer.
Leia: Help us, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're our only hope.
Lucas: Your precious old man can't stop me, princess. And as a special precaution, I've hired Greedo as my personal bodyguard.
Kenobi: Who's the more foolish: The fool, or the fool who follows him?
Greedo: My boss requests your cooperation.

(Greedo shoots blaster under boardroom table, directed at Kenobi. Han Solo is unable to fire back, as he is too busy partaking of the cheese tray Lucas had provided as refreshments. Instead, Luke draws the blaster from the Stormtrooper-stenographer sitting in the corner and fired back.)

Solo: (mouth full of cheese) Great shot, kid! That was one in a million. Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid.
Lucas: Great, now I've got a dead bounty hunter in my boardroom.
Commander: We've analyzed their attack, sir, and there is a danger. Should I have your ship standing by?
Lucas: Evacuate? In my moment of triumph? On September 21, people all over the world will buy my trilogy, new and improved, with Hayden Christensen in the final apparation scene of Jedi. And he'll still be doing his angst face. I'm the Wiz, and noooooooo-body beats me!
Luke: I have a very bad feeling about this.
Kenobi: I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced.

Ok, now Condon's analysis: The Star Wars trilogy comes out today. Support the movies, not the director. He's no longer a filmmaker, he's a business man. One other piece of advice that serves as a good mantra: Let the Wookiee win.