What the World Needs Now

"is football, fantasy football."

That's right, the NFL season gets underway this evening in Foxboro, Mass (without the help of Britney Spears, thank the Lord) when the Indianapolis Colts visit the Super Bowl champion New England Patriots. Thousands of fans across the country will tune it to root from the bandwagon for the P-Men. Hundreds of fans in the Indianapolis metropolitan area and one kid from Jersey will tune in to see the Horseshoes do their thing. And yet, millions of others will tune in to this kickoff classic to root for...Reggie Wayne?...Adam Vinitieri?...The Colts defense?...whoever the Pats have at Tight End???

"It's the only game that there's just too little of."

With the NFL season set to kickoff, so does the first snaps of everyone's FFL. That's Fantasy Football, for the acronym-impaired. In the world of the modern sports fan, there's so many avenues to get your fill of athletics: ESPN, season tix, ESPN2, team websites, ESPN Classic, water cooler prognostications, ESPN Ocho, the most important newspaper section, MSESPN, I'm making stuff up at this point, TB-ESPN. (very funny.) But no other avenue has as much of a current impact on national interest in a sport as fantasy sports. Before I explain why, here's a summary of the phenomenon-at-hand:

Fantasy Football - (fan-tuh-see foot-ball) n. - a game in which armchair quarterbacks (AQs) select real professional players (or Todd Pinkston) to form a team, and compete against other teams using one's players' statistics of the current week as a means of scoring. An AQ must select which players to start each week, as only their starters statistics will go towards their weekly score. An AQ should never start the aforementioned player.

"What the world needs now is football, fantasy football."

And now, the reasons why Fantasy Football has revolutionized the way the American fan watches football.

First off, FF really makes you think you know what you're talking about when it comes to football. Forget the rules of the game; at parties you can expound on why the Colts will be better because of the new DB restrictions, or why Tony Gonzalez is the best tight end in football, or why the Eagles black jerseys look very slimming (err...scratch that one.). Because of players' fantasy "values," all of a sudden you know who's going to win the Super Bowl. Here's a hint - no matter how good you think pretty boy Jeremy Shockey is, the G-men are not going to repeat SB 25. Not happening.

Second, FF really makes other people think you know what you're talking about when it comes to football. You start talking, they start listening, and - ZING - you've acquired a cult who drafts every Colts receiver available, create idols of Tony Gonzalez, and women wear those Eagles jerseys in their latest attempt to emulate the Olsen Twins' look. (we call that "no-talent chic").

Third, I know of professional athletes that I would never have known under normal circumstances. I'm freakishly good with names, but it's even scarier when on top of knowing who we called DeNiro in gym class* or that one concert wonder from One Accord**, I also know that Paul Edinger is the Bears' kicker, Darius Watts is the slot receiver on the Broncos, and Chiefs Defense is the defensive unit of the Kansas City Chiefs.

And finally, it lets people who are creatively frustrated to have another outlet to get the silliness out of my head and into your car. So, if nothing else from this post, I am looking for some financial sponsors for my two 2004 FFL incarnations: the DC Salsa Sharks and Ig Wants Touchdowns. (Wawa, I'm looking in your direction...)

"No not for some, but for everyone."

* - Anthony Mongeluzzo
** - Scott Vanbenschoten