In the Year Two Thousand (Nine)

Well, it's official. Jay Leno is retiring. His career is finally catching up with the color of his hair, and it's time to step back from the interview desk and ride one of his 40 motorcycles into the sunset (maybe at 205 mph, perhaps?) NBC announced to the world yesterday, and their sentiments were echoed last night by Leno that their host since 1992 has called it quits.

5 years from now.

On that note, I would like to officially release to all of you that I, too, have seen the light at the end of the tunnel. It's been a great run here at SAIC, and I've decided I want this to end on my terms. I am declaring that I am retiring. In 2049. (If the death clock allows me to, of course.)

NBC also went on to announce that they've tabbed Conan O'Brien to be the next host of the Tonight Show (still in 2009.) This is a great move (assuming we haven't voted O'Brien for President in 2008) for NBC, locking up the funniest man on network television (save Dan Rather) for years to come. Once I was sent the article, (my roommate is so on top of things) I quietly left my desk, grabbed my Mag-lite and foil collar and went to an empty conference room. The lights dimmed, La Bamba showed up with his falsetto, and I saw the future - In the Year Two Thousand (Nine).

Conan's First Tonight Show

Introduction - Since Conan has to move to L.A., he can't show the whole jumping into the East River bit from his current title sequence. But this does not mean he'll leave the wackiness in the Big Apple. I see him popping his head out of the D in the Hollywood sign, dunking a basketball over the Clippers' best player, and eating Chinese food in front of the famous Mann theatre out of a take-out box.

Band - The Max Weinberg 7 will also come cross-country, but not without picking up some new friends along the way. The Max Weinberg 13 now will include all 5 members of the Barenaked Ladies, who have decided to take a break from endless touring for cushy desk jobs, and to quote "keep it real for Canada's sake." Since Tyler Stewart of BNL has been added to the mix and will take the drumming duties, Max has switched his role to "dancing guy" a la the Mighty Mighty Bosstones. Oh, and the thirteenth member will be a guest musician each night, but since his career floundered back in 2004, most nights it ends up being Chad Kroger from Nickelback.

Opening Monologue - Same classic Conan, but more! We've still got the jump on the x, the spin, the string dance, the hair toss, but in five years it's gotten even more elaborate. He now does 4 one-handed push-ups, the worm, makes an imaginary blended drink for an audience member, and does shadow puppets. After 2 minutes of running by the camera back and forth, he announces that he's proud to be here, and that he's got a great show. Closes with the finger-as-a-mustache impersonation of an offended audience member. (the one who thought they were all getting imaginary blended drinks.)

Bit 1 - Walker, Texas Range lever, thirteen consecutive times. After all these years, it's still really funny.

Bit 2 - It's 2009, which means that George Lucas has alienated all of his movies' fans, and Episode VII - The Rebellion of Love has just hit theatres. Triumph, after getting his own show on Comedy Central to replace Colin Quinn, makes a glorious return to the O'Brien camp by interviewing the three guys in line waiting to see the movie. One of them is Ahmed Best.

Bit 3 - Not so much a bit, more really a 7 minute mocking session of Conan's staff. Apparently, he hired long out-of-work Ashlee Simpson as a production assistant, because he's such a nice guy. She hasn't gotten any more interesting, so the cut to their first commercial.

Interview 1 - The interview I know I've been waiting for ever since I read the book in 97. Wolfgang Peterson and Orson Scott Card finally got their act together to make Ender's Game into a movie. The frontrunner for Best Actor is Ed Harris, still Oscarless (after 6 nominations), but should win for his portrayal of space war hero Mazer Rackham. The conversation goes into Conan mode, where Conan insists Harris join the band on harmonica tomorrow night. (Sorry, Chad.)

Interview 2 - Andy Richter. Andy Richter at this point in time will have starred in 6 critically acclaimed sitcoms on Fox that all tanked in the ratings. Too bad Fox's entire lineup once Simpsons exited in 2007 is shows with initials. They talk about the O.C., the V.C. (about Vietnam on a beach), the B.C. (about cavemen on a beach), the D.C. (about a hard-luck baseball team in the Nation's Capital on a beach), and the C.C. (about a blogger and his zany adventures.) (On a beach.)

Closing - Conan wants to thank Jay for passing on his job. As a tribute, Conan buys him a retirement gift. It's a dancing Max Weinberg.

In the Year Two Thousand (Nine.)