Tie a Yellow Ribbon

Finally, my fellow Americans. Finally, we can unite as one unified spirit, look across the oceans to terrorists in foreign lands, reach back and tell our enemies, "Go climb a tree!"

(Assuming the terrorists aren't monkeys or squirrels, of course. They do that anyway.)

On Tuesday, the House of Representatives passed legislation to give the United States of America a national tree. I am not questioning the need for said tree, since I am perfectly fine with our national bird (e-a-g-l-e-s EAGLES), our national flower (rose), and our national weather service. It would just be another symbol of America's independence and strength, and I say the more, the better. Heck, maybe later this week the blog will be about a national boycott of Lenny "Not sure why I'm Famous" Kravitz. But that's another post (or epic novel, coming to a Borders near you.)

Oak seems a good choice. According to the article, we've got oaks in all 50 states, in our presidential folklore with Andrew Jackson, and in the hulls of our old boats. With such a compelling platform, it's hard to argue with the oak, partially because oaks can't argue, but mainly because it just seems like a logical fit. Maybe if I tune it to C-SPAN, I'd see the following debate, now that this legislation is in the Senate:

Senator #1: I like oak. You like oak?
Senator#2: I like oak too. So we like oak?
All the senators: Oak is o-k. Okay?

This, of course, assumes all senators like oak, and really have no interest in their jobs. But from doing my statistics homework late last night, the probability of this, while the two theories are statistically independent, are highly unlikely assuming a confidence interval of 95% and the amount of outlying data is zzzzzzzzz....

Yawn. Ok, I do know for a fact that when the bill was up in the Hizzouse, debate was a lot more heated than the hypothetical Senatespeak above. Mainly because when it comes to a nationwide arboreal symbol, everyone's got an opinion. Here's a recap.

Buck McKeon (R) of California brought the issue to the floor, without really seeking debate, and declared, "We need our trees to be national, I mean we need a nationality for our tree, um, I mean I need some coffee, and we need a national tree. There, I said it right, Yee-ha! (sips some coffee) I would like to nominate the mighty Redwood. 'Cause damn, it's so mighty!"

Edolphus Towns (D) of New York countered, "The Redwood? Yeah, because so many Americans can seem them in their backyards. What this country needs is a symbol that everyone can recognize, a tree that people see, that they know they're in America. I propose the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree."

Lincoln Davis (D) of Tennessee chimed, "Yeah, man, that's really great. I love having a national symbol that is only visible 1 month of the whole year. Oh, and Yankeeboy, big shocker that you would pick your own stupid Charlie Brown tree. Like the Big Apple needs the money. What kind of name is Edolphus, anyways? Did you lose a bet? Ok, I nominate a tree that would return us to America's values, a symbol of faith and hope: The Tree of Knowledge, from the Garden of Eden. Whatdyathink, y'all?

Wayne Gilcrest (R) of Maryland responded, "That's not even in the United States, fool! A tree of American values, we need, but it's gotta be in the freakin' country, Davis. What about the Giving Tree?"

Betty McCollum (D) of Minnesota shoots, "A nice idea, if we lived in the children's section of our local bookstore. If that's the case, why not the Whomping Willow??? That would show our enemies who's the boss."

Randy Neugebauer (R) of Texas, "My last name is awesome! But Betty, if we are going to go the "Fictional Symbol to Represent our National Security" route, shouldn't we at least go with the White Tree of Gondor? I mean, come on, I just spent the last 46.25 hours watching the extended editions of those movies, and I know a tree when I see it. My last name is awesome!"

Chris Smith (R) of New Jersey, "Now it's a national security tree? In that case, I vote for Richard Roundtree. Enough said."

And that, boys and girls, is how Shaft became the National Tree of the United States of America.