Recapping and Handicapping

Now that we’ve dispensed with the party favors, let’s get to the reason we’ve assembled Hollywood’s beautiful (and the soulless Joan Rivers), the actual Academy Awards. I have so much analysis to do on who won what and why we want winners. (Alliteration is our friend. Star Jones is NOT.) I’ll start with the important categories, and if I get born, I’ll let guest critic Keanu Reeves take over.

I’ll list the nominees, the percentage of OP2.0 who picked that nominee, and the winner in bold.

Best Picture
The Aviator – 40%
Finding Neverland – 0%
Million Dollar Baby – 48%
Ray – 8%
Sideways – 4%

Who I Picked: Million Dollar Baby
Who Should Have Won: Million Dollar Baby
Analysis: The Aviator was big and beautiful, but lacked the emotional punch that M$B had. This movie was the Mystic River of the bunch, powered by strong acting. Plus, you have got to love a movie with an Irish theme.

Best Director
Clint Eastwood, Million Dollar Baby – 64%
Taylor Hackford, Ray – 0%
Mike Leigh, Vera Drake – 0%
Alexander Payne, Sideways – 4%
Martin Scorcese, The Aviator – 40%

Who I Picked: Martin Scorcese
Who Should Have Won: Clint Eastwood
Analysis: I picked Marty because Oscar has a nasty habit of giving credit where credit is due. And I thought Scorcese did a fantastic directing job, this just wasn’t as good as his older flicks. Wait for The Departed, his next project. There’s your Oscar. I’m glad the Academy did the right thing here.

Best Actor
Don Cheadle, Hotel Rwanda – 4%
Johnny Depp, Finding Neverland – 0%
Leonardo DiCaprio, The Aviator – 8%
Clint Eastwood, Million Dollar Baby – 4%
Jamie Foxx – Ray – 84%

Who I Picked: Jamie Foxx
Who Should Have Won: Jamie Foxx
Analysis: Any other year, I’d be screaming that Don Cheadle got robbed. But Foxx was just so electric as Ray Charles that he takes this well-deserved Oscar home. It’s a good thing he’s not really blind, otherwise tripping over Charlize Theron’s dress would have been a foregone conclusion.

Best Actress
Annette Bening, Being Julia - 0%
Catalina Sandino Moreno,Maria Full of Grace - 0%
Imelda Staunton,Vera Drake - 4%
Hilary Swank, Million Dollar Baby - 84%
Kate Winslet, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind - 12%

Who I Picked: Hilary Swank
Who Should Have Won: Hilary Swank
Analysis: I only saw the performances of Swank, Moreno, and Winslet, but Hilary was the heart and soul of the best movie of the year. I have no problem with her winning twice at such a young age (Boys Don't Cry), because she earned this. And Winslet and Bening will be back.

Best Supporting Actor
Alan Alda, The Aviator – 0%
Thomas Haden Church, Sideways – 36%
Jamie Foxx, Collateral – 4%
Morgan Freeman, Million Dollar Baby – 52%
Clive Owen, Closer – 8%

Who I Picked: Morgan Freeman
Who Should Have Won: Thomas Haden Church
Analysis: In a true race, I think Church's performance was a little stronger. Freeman was excellent, don't get me wrong, I just think he's played this role before. Church got to go the full gamut of emotion and get bit by an ostrich. But because Freeman was a close second, and he's had a storied career, both the Academy and I picked him.

Best Supporting Actress
Cate Blanchett, The Aviator - 72%
Laura Linney, Kinsey - 4%
Virginia Madsen, Sideways - 12%
Sophie Okenedo, Hotel Rwanda - 4%
Natalie Portman, Closer - 4%

Who I Picked: Virginia Madsen
Who Should Have Won: Cate Blanchett
Analysis: So, yeah, I screwed up. Studies show that the four SAG winners never sweep the Oscars, and I was too sure in my other picks, so I called upset. I'm very sorry, Ms. Blanchett, if you're reading this. I promise to never pick someone named after a state to beat you again. (Hear than Dakota Fanning?)

Best Adapted Screenplay
Before Sunset - 0%
Finding Neverland - 32%
Million Dollar Baby - 20%
Motorcycle Diaries - 16%
Sideways - 32%

Who I Picked: Sideways
Who Should Have Won: Sideways
Analysis: It's good to see that rather than delivering this as a parting gift to the Best Picture winner, this year the screenplays became a writer's award. All are solid nominees, but Sideways blended comedy and drama so well that it stands above the rest. Four great characters, and one of them, if needed, could have channeled Lowell from Wings.

Best Original Screenplay
The Aviator - 24%
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind - 64%
Hotel Rwanda - 12%
The Incredibles - 0%
Vera Drake - 0%

Who I Picked: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Who Should Have Won: Eternal Sunshine of the Too Long Title
Analysis: Honestly, Charlie Kaufmann fans may have been waiting for this, but I think the Academy waited for the right flick. This has been his best ending, by far. Again, it’s once again a writer’s award

Best Cinematography
The Aviator – 64%
House of Flying Daggers – 12%
The Passion of the Christ – 20%
The Phantom of the Opera – 4%
A Very Long Engagement – 0%

Who I Picked:The Aviator
Who Should Have Won: The Aviator
Analysis: Not even considering the plane crash or the dogfights in the beginning, the eerie simplicity to Hughes’ seclusion room filming was extraordinary.

Best Original Score
Finding Neverland – 48%
Harry Potter – Azkaban – 20%
Lemony Snicket’s – 4%
The Passion of the Christ – 28%
The Village – 0%

Who I Picked: Finding Neverland
Who Should Have Won: The Passion of the Christ
Analysis: General rule of thumb – If a Best Picture nominee is the only nominee in Best Score, they’re going to win.

Best Film Editing
The Aviator – 44%
Collateral – 12%
Finding Neverland – 12%
Million Dollar Baby- 20%
Ray – 20%

Who I Picked: Million Dollar Baby
Who Should Have Won: The Aviator
Analysis: General rule of thumb – When it comes to film editing, Condon has no idea. Just can't get a hold on what the Academy looks for.

Best Animated Feature
The Incredibles - 68%
Shark Tale - 8%
Shrek 2 - 24%

Who I Picked: The Incredibles
Who Should Have Won: The Incredibles
Analysis: Well, Shark Tale is out because Scorcese played a blowfish in it. Had Eastwood played a blowfish, then we’d be handing the Oscar to that fish flick. Shrek 2, every time I watch it, has a better and better ending. But originality is key in this category. Yay Pixar.

Like I said Keanu Reeves will stop by to take you through the results of the others, aka 12 Angry Categories. Later.

I'd Like to Thank the Academy...

…for giving me so much material to write about today…

Before we get to the recap of the 77th Academy Awards that I’ve been promising for days, we start with the recap of the 2nd Chris and Spud Oscar Party, here after referred to simply as Oscar Party 2.0, or occasionally as the even simpler OP2.0.

I think I just made simple too complex. Drat.

Anyways, despite any pending stupid neighbor protest, Oscar Party 2.0 went off without a Hitch (which was too busy in area theaters). As the guest count fluctuated in the twenties throughout the prior week, we ended up clocking in with an impressive 25. 25 ended up being a great number for the following reasons. 1) Made doing post-game statistics incredibly easy, and 2) no one was forced to sit anywhere uncomfortable like on a tablelamp or my guitar stand. (This did not excuse people from being forced to sit on the third most uncomfortable thing – our couch.)

A mixture of Monrovians, SAIC co-workers, the MeWhee Contingent, and people Liz Grimm Knows gather together for a dazzling array of snackables, ranging from Julie’s homemade guac to bread ends and hizzouse, to Condon microwaving some mean Super Pretzels. Upon entry to the Random Fun, guests headed to the Wall of Movies, where they were instructed to pull their packet down (sorry for putting yours so high, Jon (it was Nordberg’s idea)) Inside was their Oscar ballot, whose categories were weighted by importance, and a series of Teleclassic questions, whose answers would only unfold as the Oscars progressed. Do you have any idea whether or not any Oscar winner would try and shut up the band? (Answer was yes, btw)

We’re the first to admit that there are some slow parts to the Oscars. For example, we’re all for honoring Sidney Lumet (this will be Scorcese’s Award 15 years from now), but an honorary award for the other guy who cleans film? Please. Give the man a certificate and not a speech. This is where OP2.0 steps in. Replacing last years’ trivia was our Ode to Best Original Song: The OP2.0 Song Bee. 68 catchy movie tunes and 20 eliminations later, none other than Katie Pretz aka “Driving Miss Katie.” I can’t remember, but I think “I Got You Babe” by Sonny and Cher (from Groundhog Day) was the clinching melody.

Also worried that attention spans would wane during the Beyonce concert we all witnessed, we also chose to honor Best Adapted Screenplay with a round of Best Picture MadLibs. Best you didn’t know the following:

- That Venkman Charles made huge advances in the battle for soggy cheese.
- That Sideways involved incidents with a Wookie farm and a naked Yoda running down the street.
- That James Barrie would rather screw hanging out with the kids for some good White Castle.

(and so on…)

When the night was over, and the neighbors never called the cops, the ballot competition came down to the final award, Best Picture, whereupon the million dollar darkhorse, Kristy Glines came from nowhere to take the top prize. Second year in a row that a invited ringer took home the AMC gift certificate. Looks like Clint Eastwood wasn’t the only big winner of the night. (Spud wasn't eligible, Condon didn't matter)

The furniture still hasn’t been put back in place, we’ve got enough chips to bankroll a casino, and those 17 Best Picture DVDs we own are still on top of the entertainment center. OP2.0 may be done, but we’ve already begun plans for next year: March 6, 2006.

To keep you busy until then, here’s the final standings. Oscar Recap later.

Name // No. Correct // Total Points
1. SPUDler's List // 15 // 50
2. The EnGLINES Patient // 14 // 49
3. ANDERSingin' in the Rain // 13 // 47
T-4. How Green was My MEWHEE // 12 // 45
T-4. Driving Miss KATIE // 12 // 45

6. NORD of the Rings // 14 // 44
7. MAZER vs. MAZER // 13 // 44
8. The Manchurian CONDONate // 13 // 43
9. Forrest GRIMMp // 11 // 43
10. From Here to ETURNERty // 11 // 39

11. One Flew over the MEKO's Nest // 11 // 38
12. JACQUESy // 10 // 38
T-13. JONdhi // 11 // 37
T-13. AMATTIAS // 11 // 37
15. Mutiny on the BARRETT // 10 // 37

16. Lawrence of ARACHEa // 9 // 36
17. Butch Cassidy and the MEGAN KIDD // 11 // 35
18. Dr. ZhiVIEHWEG // 9 // 35
19. My Fair LIGGETT // 11 // 32
20. PAToon // 10 // 31

21. The Sound of MOODY // 9 // 30
T-22. In the PETE of the Night // 7 // 30
T-22. All the KIM's Men // 7 // 30
24. MATTon // 7 // 25
25. FERRIots of Fire // 6 // 22

Dial N for Nordberg

YABNews is priveleged to have landed this exclusive interview with an incon in You're a Blog lore. Ladies and gentlemen, our chat with Chris Nordberg. We hope we clear up some issues here...

You’re a Blog: Mr. Nordberg. Thanks for agreeing to this interview. You see, YAB has served as a cyber focal point for people in their daily straying from responsibility, and there are some who idolize your work ethic. If we were to have a Frequently Asked Questions section, Query Numero Uno would be "Who is Christopher Nordberg, and why does he phone it in?

Chris Nordberg: I was born a poor black child in the state of – no, wait, that’s not true. Actually, I am currently a 1st year MBA student at UNC, but the phone it in work ethic goes way back to December of 2002.

YAB: Wow, that's a lot of acronyms! This phoning in it you speak of, does that include not typing out full phrases, and instead settling for confusing combinations of letters?

CN: As a matter of fact it is (jerkpants). After I accepted a job as a financial analyst at AT&T (Amazing Takeover Target), my second semester of my senior year at William and Mary took on a somewhat different feel than previous semesters.

YAB: So phoning it has to do with working in telecommunications?

CN: Not really. You see, that semester lacked a certain critical mass of, how shall I put this, productive stuff for me to do. I took 12 credits (only 8 were graded), I was no longer president of the business fraternity, I was no longer interning, I was no longer looking for a job. So I had to come up with other things to do, which certain people who will remain anonymous seemed to think were less than constructive and required a corny tag line loosely connected to my future employer.

YAB: I see. But some would say that even prior to this critical point in your academic career, you didn't have to put forth full effort. Our research shows that as a student job, your work description was to "let students check out and watch movies while you sat at your desk and did homework." Can you confirm this, and if so, how does one put forth less effort than this? Make the students watch the movies and do your homework?

CN: That is true, but I assure at no time did I inhale the movies or my homework. Sometimes I would sniff my highlighter, but that's it. I'm sorry, what were talking about.

YAB: Don't you dare phone in this interview until we figure out more about what phoning it in actually is. So, the final semester of your college career came and classes didn't seem important, got it. We're going to play some word association. I'll give you a typical academic task, and you respond with what you would do instead of said task. Ok, let's start with - writing a history paper.

CN: Watch the American President in Condon's room on his DVD player.

YAB: Ok, good. How about prepare for a business class presentation?

CN: Watch A Few Good Men in Condon's room on his DVD player.

YAB: I'm seeing a theme here, we'll try one more...attending golf class.

CN: Oh I'd NEVER miss that class. Although on occasion I'd be a little late because I was playing my NASCAR computer game and seeing how many laps it took my to drive the wrong way at Daytona and destroy every other car in the race.

YAB: Wow. Just wow. Ok, let's move on. So you went to AT&T, and everything seemed to be going well. Effort. Intensity. Determination. Character traits that made your parents proud in year's past. Then April 2004 rolled around, and AT&T tanked and was almost purchased by BellSouth. Did you have anything to do with this nosedive?

CN: Well, I was running a black market Office Depot out of the M&A Division’s supply cabinet, but who doesn’t do that. Also, there were these TPS reports, which I never quite got the hang of. That might have cost the company a few million. I wasn’t concerned though, by that time I had been accepted to UNC.

YAB: Ah, so now we're getting somewhere. It's an issue of security. Complete the sentence..."When Nordberg sees the next big thing...

CN: ...he takes it and the next six months off."

YAB: Excellent. Well, Mr. Nordberg, I think our readers have gotten a good idea of what it means to "phone it in." Final scenario: You're the President of the United States, and you've just gotten news that you've been elected as the King of the World. What happens to the good ole' U.S. of A.?

CN: I think the Oval Office would make a good floor hockey rink and the War Room has got to have a PS2.

YAB: Sheer Genius. Chris Nordberg, the Embodiment of Phoning It In.

CN: You're a phone.

You're the Best Around

No, this gem from The Karate Kid never won an Oscar. By the way, I will give you my Oscar coverage blog, including a recap of Oscar Party 2.0 a few posts from now, you know, when the dates become a little more...what's the word...relevant?

I'm now officially the best Condon at SAIC.

This isn't to say that this is a new development. For all I know, I may have been the best Condon at SAIC since in the final moments of 2002. But how does one compare their company value to another, when your jobs are different and you've never met. You see, I haven't been able to claim the crown up until this point for the simple reason that I had competition. That's right, another Condon.

No relation.

Can't say that my extended family has stretched to Houston, Texas, where SAIC web designer Andrew Condon call home. Nah, my Condons prefer the frosty confines of upstate New York, where they should publicly mock the school canceling policies of the DC region. If these Condons saw the cheap wooden snow shovels this are is so fond of when the flakes fall, they'd take them and use them for firewood. But just because we've fortified the Northeast Corridor doesn't mean that my distant kin have broke ground in the Lonestar State.

I'm sure Andrew's a nice guy, he always seemed that way when we would exchange and forward e-mails intended for one but received by the other. But in the spirit of friendly competition, he no longer stands a chance in the quest for Lord Condo's Cup. For good sir Andrew has decided to leave the company to pursue other career options. That leaves the last man standing.

And they say don't mess with Texas...

This leaves me on top of the Condon Corporate Food Chain (CCFC). With dear Andrew departed, I am the only one carrying my surname's banner in an employee parade of 45,700. This is a responsibility not to be taken lightly, and I have no intention of doing so. For I now am not just Condon in Finance, I'm The Condon. Of SAIC.

As The Condon, I reserve the following rights to be solely mine at all business-related meetings/functions/happy hours/etc...

1. People can now call me by my last name, and I will not have to worry about anyone else answering first. For years, I've prided myself on the fact that I can answer to my first name while others called Chris are forced to last name status. But now The Condon will take this title as well.
2. Any accolades at work for Condon now default to me. "Well done Condon on designing that website concerining our Dallas-Ft.Worth Oil Derrick (FWOD) Project. You are so savvy with the web page design. Why yes, yes I am.
3. If Andrew Condon puts the A.C. in A.C. Slater, that makes me Zack Morris. And despite heated debate, we all know who was the cooler kid at Bayside. Other than the episode where Zack tries to weasel his way out of his date auction date, he's always been a class act. Slater doesn't hold a candle to him. Anyone who lets Jessie Spano control his life for a multiyear period has to be an also-ran. Zack was able to combine TWO parties at Malibu Sands that one summer. TWO! That's talent.
4. The Condon is a title deserving of a super suit. No not the two-button, power tie kind, I'm talking about superhero gear. Does our OfficeMax catalog have capes in it? I'll take two.
5. No longer forced to share my last name within the company directory, searching for me will get you, well, ME! Thomas K. Candon is the next closest, but don't worry, we look nothing alike.
6. I don't have a business card, but Andrew might have. A little white out could complete that transfer of identity, no problem. People may give me a funny look, but I can simply explained that there was a typo or something. Especially if our printing company was called NordCards or something.
7. Chalk another win up for those with double initials. Alan Alda may not have gotten his Oscar, but The Condon can add another piece of hardware to the trophy case.

Oom-Pa-Dee-Do!

Snow days mean several things in the DC area. Schools are closed. Universities are closed. Condon still has work. Snow Removal teams make a pretty penny for doing next to nothing. Local residents take their logic and common sense, throw it up into the snowy sky, and run away from it screaming like a warped game of "Baby in the Air." (Actually isn't the name of that game just warped as is? What were we taught as kids, anyway?!?)

Speaking of kids, that's another thing that the threat of icy precipitation brings. My office is covered with them. You see, moms and dads who couldn't afford to take the day off (like their children) were left with no other option than a "Bring Your Kid to Work" Day. At last count, I think I've seen about 4 different boys and girls, between the ages of 7 and 10, walk by my cube at one point or another. And since teachers don't really expect their students to do homework on a snow day, these kids have pretty much free reign on their time management for the day. Unfortunately, since what lies beyong the doors of our office building is a very busy Leesburg Pike, it's unlikely that tobogganing is in their near future. Does anyone else see the potential in this untapped resource? No? That's right, it's "Put Your Kid to Work" Day.

Okay, before we assign any tasks, we need to find a clever way to get around those pesky child labor laws that keep getting in the way of productivity. Here's my idea - make your little employees think it's all part of a big game. When you're playing a game, you don't realize that you are actually doing work. So I'll need to create some sort of scoring system, incentive package, and in order to foster the competitive spirit, uniforms.

Okay, let's get uniforms out of the way, since it's the easiest. In lieu of highlighting other people's children, we'll affix different color Post-It notes to their backs, complete with last names and jersey numbers of their choosing. (As a kid, I LOVED personalized jerseys. Just like the pros, my man.) So let's see, it looks like we're going to have a pale yellow team and a sky blue team. (Sorry, it's all I've got on such short notice.)

As for the incentive package, we'll base our rewards system on the finest prizes the lobby shop downstairs has to offer. To the day's winners: Nestle Crunch bars. To the day's losers: Saltine Crackers. (Definitely pays to win in this game. By "pays," this does not by any means infer compensation for services provided. That would be the definition of labor, and since these are children, that would be child labor, which is EXACTLY what this is not. Phew, close one. Regards, Dr. Spin M.D.)

The scoring system is a judging scale, much like the way the X Games is scored. Panelists will hold up large cards with integers on them that draw applause or ire from the crowd (by Panelists, I mean Condon, and by crowd, I mean, well, Condon...no one else is here.) The kiddos will be scored, like in figure skating, on Technical Merit and Artistic Impression. The former makes sure the job gets done right. The latter makes sure it gets done, but with style.

Oh, right, worktasks - I mean EVENTS - will include things that short people can do better than me - restock the Xerox machine, trace IT wires underneath desks, file invoice copies in the bottom file cabinet, run things to the mailroom, etc. I know what you're thinking. What does height have to do with running things to the mailroom? Answer: Nothing. I just hate doing it. (It's COLD in the basement.)

"Oom-pa Loom-pa, oom-pa-dee-do.
I got a brand new "Put-to-work" crew.
Oom-pa Loom-pa, oom-pa-dee-dee.
If you pay candy, the wages are free.

What do you get when they cancel your class?
More than just pressing your face to the glass!
We've got a little game you can play,
Where you can file and work. all. day!

(Just don't tell the government.)

Oom-pa Loom-pa, oom-pa-dee-do.
We've got some brand new games just for you.
Oom-pa Loom-pa, oom-pa-dee-dee.
If you are bored, listen to C.C."

Won't You Flee, My Neighbor?

While apartment life may seem grand and glamourous, do not be fooled. It does have its drawbacks. And these drawbacks, they live downstairs.

The general idea behind apartment living is that several people (hereafter referred to as tenants) indirectly agree to co-occupy a single location (hereafter referred to as location) for a pre-set rental rate, which is paid to the owner to the location. The owner gets to make the executive decision on who gets to take part in this co-occupation.. Tenants also enjoy some ancillary services provided by the owner, including common area janitorial, and centralized mail delivery. The rest is up to the tenants to figure out.

How does one live in a peaceful state when habitating in an apartment building? You're surrounded by 10 groups of strangers, who you had no say when it came to selecting neighbors. And yet, like a casino employee, you must deal. Sure, God and our leasing office could have blessed us with friendly, outgoing people that would welcome your presence walking on their ceiling, but that would make for too easy of a time. It's the renting time in your life, and so, you must persevere.

Our neighbors due south (ok, by south I mean downstairs, I know how a compass works) are not such people. In fact, I've never caught their name. So for the purpose of this blog, I will borrow a page from El Libro de Harford and arbitrarily assign them one. We'll call them the IcedTea Family (it's easy to stir them.) As per my recordkeeping, we've had three brushes with them. Each one involved us making too much noise.

Now here's the thing you may not realize: these people are crazy. The first time, we got a visit from the sun. His communication skills are the most polished, and he paid us a visit on Sunday night around 11:40 to tell us to stop running, he's trying to sleep. I couldn't figure out who of us was running more - Spud, who for the last hour had been sitting on the couch reading - or Condon, who had been on his computer chair for a good 40 minutes. You see, our AC had just kicked on, which cause the kid unrest. But rather than explain to him the inner workings of an HVAC cooling system, as it runs throughout an apartment building, where it may cause stange noises within the walls, I just said, "Fine, we'll stop running.?!" With the language barrier, I just figured it be easier. Big mistake.

Now that they think we're training for the Olympics, twice more they have come up to combat our disturbance. Once, the culprit was a spirited game of Dance Dance Revolution, ("The floor, is pounding my house.", and the other was music ("Yeah", Usher). Spud won the right to claim DDR as exercise, as well as the right to do it during the day. This was done by means of civil communication between he and Mr. IcedTea. Conflict: Resolved.

The music episode was anything but civil. Rather than come upstairs to ask us to turn down the song, Mr. IcedTea decided to allow law enforcement intervene. I'm sure the police hates these calls. If for no other reason than the trip could have been saved by the neighbor coming upstairs, asking, and finally, compliance.

I think everyone can agree that there's a level of volume that comes with living in an apartment. Hell, we have a dog upstairs who probably IS training for the Olympics, and he's always followed by little kids, up and down the hallway. To our left, they listen to their movies loud. I could have sworn Sky Captain was going to bring the whole World of Tomorrow through our wall a few weeks ago. We've never complained, assuming that these people know that they're loud but understand their surroundings.

The reason we blog on this today is that we've got our only real social-hosting function of the year coming up this Sunday, Oscar Party 2.0, and we're wondering if the IcedTeas are going to call the National Guard on us. This isn't a college-party throwdown, it's just some people getting together to watch the Academy Awards. The only reason it could be loud is the headcount. And we're not planning on training for the Olympics. So what do we do, YABites? Bribe them with cookies? Give them back their basketball they threw on our balcony? Call the cops on them pre-emptively?

We need your help.

Someone's in the Kitchen...

with Craftsman...

Generally speaking, living in a leased apartment prevents me from having to take care of those minor improvement projects that homeowners are forced to deal with. Rather than fix the leak in our bathroom ceiling correctly the first time, we can sit back and enjoy the convenience of having the maintenance staff come in and "sort of" fix it every few months or so. Sure, it's not effective, but at least we get some free tools out of it. (And an in-apartment waterfall...)

Well, it's a no-brainer to call the office when something breaks that we had no control over. It's not quite that easy when you do have that control. Of course, by control, I mean it's all my fault. And that means I can either risk delivering a smooth explanation to the office about how it's their fault (without laughing), or suck it up, get creative, and find a way to fix this small problem.

Ok, let's see, creativity. I could write a parody, but then I'd just be missing the point altogether. (We call this the Carson Daly Principle.)

What be thy problem, you may ask? After scolding you for your gratituitous use ye olde English, I'd explain to you that I was making sandwiches for my lunch one weekday last week. This feast is a simple one to recreate on a daily basis. Open the utensil drawer. Get a knife. Use it for the mayonnaise. Construct a sandwich using bread, cold cuts, mustard, and mayo. Lean down to get a tupperware out of the lower cabinet. Slam your tailbone against the utensil drawer, rocketing it right off its metal track into a state of disastrous disrepair. Cringe.

So where does this leave us? Looks like with a couple of sandwiches, a shooting spinal pain that rivals hearing Joan Rivers speak, and a utensil drawer that has wedged itself nicely between broken and disrepair. And since the simple, lift and push back on the metal tracks method is a far cry from actually working, this is going to take a little more work to fix.

Stupid tailbone.

Ok, so how do we fix a broken drawer. First, I tried to force the drawer back down over the hard plastic wheel on back on the right track. The NHL labor talks were more effective. Geez, I must have jammed it pretty badly. Ok, next, I decided to attack the problem from the bottom up. Emptied out the pots and pans drawer and analyzed the situation from beneath. And despite all the manual pushing and pulling, the drawer remains stuck.

This is how it was left for a few days, while I regrouped and planned a new attack. The drawer was still usable during this calm, if you didn't mind its angled entry and the inability to open it more than eight inches. Like a parallelogram peg for a rectangular hole. The weekend came, and I could take it no longer. It's time to take it up a notch (if there were, uh, notches for, umm, kitchen cabinet repair, yeah..)

Let's break out the tools! (Insert tool joke here.)

Well, the needle nose pliers did me little good, as I was unable to pry back the wheel from the track. I might as well have been using some carrots from the fridge. (Wait. There are no carrots in the fridge.) Then, in one final desperate attempt to be able to acquire kitchen utensils with a full range of wrist motion, I tried something completely cutting edge.

Smashed it with a hammer.

6 quick strikes against the metal of the track, and the drawer magically popped back into place. Sure, things are a little dented on the inside, but who needs to know that? I'm thoroughly convinced that a hammer can fix anything. Alright, what's next?

Hey, Spud, isn't your computer having problems?

Gramatically Challenged

Checking e-mail first thing in the morning is a wonderful thing. Among other things, it allows me to not have to dedicate my morning commute to brainstorming today's blog topic.

Good Morning Chris~
Would you be able to help me with the request I sent Lucas below?
Please advise eat your convenience.
Thanks!
Tanya Hanobi

You are thinking two things right now. First, why didn't Lucas get around to Tanya's request? (Reason - I made Lucas up. Names have been changed to protect the irrelevant.) Second, why does this e-mail, shown sans attachments or context, have any promise of bringing the funny enough to be deemed blogworthy by the editors-that-be? Easy, re-read it. It's time for another edition of "Making Fun of Other People's Correspondence Oversights and Mistakes" (MFOPCOM.) Actually, this could be a light-hearted roasting, but in all actuality, this one's got me just a tad bit apprehensive.

Please advise eat your convenience.

Maybe we're lucky and Tanya just got a little trigger happy with the send button before shooting this request of into cyberland. But maybe, just maybe, she knows something that I don't, and without careful analysis and theorizing on the blog, I'll never know what she really meant. The world is dependent on...wait, no...the universe is dependent...ok, nope, the Condon is dependent on decoding this encryption to reveal the instructions that I must follow.

Eat my convenience? What could she possibly mean? After much contemplation (read: very little), I've come up with the following three hypotheses.

1. Let them eat Tastykake. Despite Tanya's corporate e-mail address, this may be subliminal advertising at its finest. While she may be an unassuming, docile Human Resource administrator by day, she may be the Gordon Gekko of the minimart world by night. As Americans across the nation (where else would they be?) give up snack food impulses for cookies and candy bars in the name of Lent, stores that pride themselves on convenience, such as 7-11, may experience a first quarter dip in revenues. Other methods of cheap advertising must be instituted. Tanya is trying to plant the seed of an impulse buy in the minds and inboxes of the world.

2. Start being a simpleton. Could there be a political plea underneath it all? Maybe Tanya is telling me to relinquish the conveniences of the world. There are developing countries around the world in need of such basics as running water and a roof over their head, yet I can be brazen enough to demand that all the keys on my keyboard work (Curses, Num Lock, curses!) Is this a plea to the greater good? For YAB to adopt a charity, or become a philanthropic organizaiton altogether? Not just eat my convenience, but completely swallow it? Great, now I'm depressed. Drat. And Num Lock is still broken.

3. Grammatically Challenged. I'm the first to admit that fat fingers can lead to some annoying permutations of words. The only place harder to accomodate my hands than on my guitar is on the keyboard. I can't tell you how many times I have signed official-sounding e-mail with my Roman alterego, Chrius. Of course, if I were Roman, my occupation wouldn't be blogger or financial analyst or grad student. If I recall from high school Latin, all Romans were either farmers or poets. Or maybe the farmers were the poets. I can't remember. Oh, but I do know that Gallia est provincia. I'm a classical genius.

I'll let you all vote as to what Tanya meant.

Dear Tonya,
I will look into this matter at once.
Ate my convenience,
Chrius

Icebreakers, Part Two

STOP! DO NOT READ UNLESS YOU READ ICEBREAKERS, PART ONE. IF YOU READ THIS FIRST, THEY WILL CANCEL THE NHL SEASON.

…

ALRIGHT, WHO’S THE GUILTY PARTY?

Pittsburgh Penguins – Now this isn’t meant to be a knock on the city of Pittsburgh, but when it comes to fancy restaurants and luxury hotels, well, let’s just say there are fewer than there are Pirates fans. Since penguins always dress the part, these tuxedo outfitted guys can be seen flocking east to New York, to serve as the finest maitre’ Ds and concierges the Big Apple has to offer.

Boston Bruins – Yeah, they’re Bruin, alright. As a direct competitor to Sam Adams, producer of Beantown’s finest ales and lagers, the Boston Bru-ery will contain a selection of microbrews perfected by the Bruins themselves. New beers include PJ Ale-xelson, and Gonchar Genuine Draft.

Washington Capitals – WASHINGTON CAPS, the latest shopping mall fixture, is a new all-encompassing hat store run by DC’s local pucksters. Large manager salaries are non-existent, since the highest paid players (cough Jagr cough) have been booted out of town. Add that to a young employee roster that have dynamic marketing ideas (Buy a hat or Brendan Witt will punch you in the face); this franchise should be coming to a mall near you.

Montreal Canadiens – Little know fact: Canadiens, when rearranged, can form the words SEA DANCIN’, with an extra apostrophe thrown in there. Les Habitants are running with this idea, serving as entertainment and social cruise directors for all of Norwegian Cruise Line’s fleet. In exchange, all the best players from Norway promise to not only take cruises, but enter Montreal’s farm system when this lockout is over.

Philadelphia Flyers – It’s no news that the airline industry is not what it used to be. Former giants such as Delta and US Air are forced to slash their fares in order to avoid going the way of bankruptcy. Why is this? Simple, it’s all the low-cost airlines like Independence and JetBlue, whose rates are undercutting the biggies' profit margin. The Flyers look to jump into this market with its own low-cost carrier, Flyair, where the kiddies can come up in-flight to visit the pilots in the Hitchcockpit.

New York Rangers – NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg has had his hands full post 9-11 keeping the streets of the Big Apple safe. Sure, the salaries aren’t the greatest for local law enforcement, but a police officer in the city can serve with pride. Swallowing their own, the New York Rangers have agreed to increase the city’s force by approximately 24, and they trade in their sticks and skates for guns and badges.

Atlanta Thrashers – It’s no secret that the Atlanta Hawks are a terrible basketball team. However, that’s not the only one of Ted Turner’s problems. In a move of divide and conquer, all forwards, including Dany Heatley, will replace the Hawks on the hardwood effective immediately, to turn them into a scoring powerhouse. The defensemen and goalies will join the Adult Swim team over at the Cartoon Network, doing promos for the Aqua Teen Hunger Force.

Carolina Hurricanes – Hurricanes are just one of the many signature drinks that you can get at Brindy’s, the latest bar on the North Carolina scene. Rod Brind’Amour, yes, the guy with the crooked nose, has put his teammates to work as hockey fans drink their sorrows away. And on Brindy’s main stage, Jeff O’Neill and the Zambonis.

Tampa Bay Lightning – Fresh off their championship run, the ‘Ning will be bringing the Stanley Cup back to Broadway (since the Rangers have no intention of doing so anytime soon.) You see, Grease the musical spawned the movie Grease, which spawned the sequel Grease 2. However, Grease 2 never made its way back to the stage…until now. Purchase your tickets now for Greased Lightning, starring Nikolai Khabibhulin as Danny. (Both have an excellent command on the English language, I hear.)

Buffalo Sabres – Due to a fast approaching wedding, Condon is not afraid to admit that he has become very well-informed in the different vendor services you can have for your special day. Well, the Sabres have decided, due to this prolonged lockout, to jump into this growing industry. Brides, have you ever wanted to walk out of the church beneath a tunnel of swords in the air? Hire the Sabres! (Note: don’t worry about the players catching your bouquet. Their goalie hasn’t stopped anything in years.)

Florida Panthers – How did the Carolina Panthers go to the Super Bowl one year, and miss the playoffs the next?!? They had the talent and the coaching. Maybe they didn’t have the tools. Ok, Purchasing, put out a requisition order for a new set of tackling dummies, for delivery next August. What’s that, Purchasing? There’s a full set for sale in Miami? Hmm…very interesting.

New York Islanders – Jeff Probst is always thinking. Survivor’s last season, set in Vanuatu, didn’t exactly have the excitement that was vintage in prior seasons. Once this current season in Palau concludes, Jeff and the New York Islanders will be heading to a tiny island off of Greenland for Survivor: Puckington. My fearless prediction: Rick DiPietro is able to stay warm in his goalie gear, and wins the whole shebang.

Toronto Maple Leafs – I have a feeling these guys are going to become retailer extraordinaires. Led by team captains Domi and Sundin, go to www.MapleLeafs.com to buy some limited edition of Tie’s Ties, or maybe Mats’ Mats. Also, a sales pitch to the men of Canada. Are you tired of getting your breakfast syrup from a woman? Don’t feel that you’re viewed as touch when you need to rely on Aunt Jemima and Mrs. Butterworth? Try Toronto MapleSyrup, from the team that brings you annual playoff letdown!

Ottawa Senators – These guys are born politicians. As tensions flare in the Capitol Building, Congress is holding closer to party lines then ever. Debates are growing more tiresome, as traditionally stalwart senators are having trouble mustering the energy. (stupid cold weather.) As of today, either the Republican or the Democratic Party may call on the professional filibusters, the Sens. In order to stall a vote, order a Radek Bonk special. Watch him put a cooking pot on his head and run into the podium repeatedly. (Note: Offer not valid in debates involving the deportation of Gary Bettman.)

New Jersey Devils – See you in Hell.

Icebreakers, Part One

Well, I guess it's time to write a serious blog about the downfall of the National Hockey League. I was asked for exactly this sometime back in September and responded in typical YAB fashion - mocking with a zest of funny. It seems we can't keep a straight face when it comes to typing on the current events of the world. You know, it's the kind of feeling when on the outside it looks like you're running a legitimate operation, when on the inside, everyone's in on the joke that no one should take your antics seriously. Yep, you can call me Grammy.

So, despite all of the collective bragaining, owners' meetings, and Condoptimism, it looks like it's time to throw in the towel on the 2004-2005 NHL season. If the season were to be compared to a game of pond hockey, this is essentially what would transpire. It's like everyone threw their sticks into a pile in the middle of the ice, and then rather that someone, let's say the schedule maker, dividing them up and getting the game underway, the ice cracks from below, and every last stick is lost to the deep. It looks like we're just going to have to wait until it all melts and refreezes next summer.

While hockey bloggers like myself may have enough material in other areas to carry over while this lockout takes its course, the players of the NHL may not necessarily be able to afford such a luxury. As millionaires, there may be many other luxuries they are able to afford - from fancy cars to lavish vacations - at least for a while. At some point, the savings will start to run short, and other arrangements will have to be made. And as usual, leave YAB to come to the players' rescue. So, thanks to some investigative work and recent reviewing of some job applications at Monster.com. here's what you can expect your hometown hockey team to be doing to kill the time until next puck drop. And unlike the sun, let's start in the West.

Anaheim Mighty Ducks – In a bold philanthropic move, this team has organized a 7 city tour, where ice hockey is being played for a good cause. The combatants: the Mighty Ducks of the NHL vs. the Mighty Ducks of the silver screen. That’s right, Joshua Jackson and co. are back for the sake of Anaheim’s homeless. Wait. The NHL Ducks are passing it off as charity work, but I’d like to see if by “helping the needy” they’re just lining their own pockets, considering they have no other source of income.

Los Angeles Kings – Ok, fine guys, have it your way. Actually, Have It Your Way isn’t that bad of an idea. Rather than sitting around waiting for the lockout to unlock, the Kings have filled out a joint application at the local fast food joint for some interim employment. And what’s more fitting an employer for these monarchs? Ah, yes, Burger King.

Detroit Red Wings – Red Wings, as a brand, now will mean much, much more than the reigning rulers of Hockeytown, USA. Coming soon to your grocer’s freezer, you can get Red Wings of your very own. Hot, spicy cuts of chicken, in wing form only, will be a great appetizer at your next party of gather. They’re fan tested, Brendan Shanahan approved.

Nashville Predators – You know somebody had to been petitioning God while the NHL and Players Union went stubborn. Nashville players, finding solace in the Holy Spirit, have hit the road in the name of Christianity, evangelizing to hockey fans with an emptiness in their lives. The name of the motivational speaking tour: “Predator and Pray.”

Phoenix Coyotes – Brett Hull and company don’t have a whole lot of options to keep cool now in the Arizona heat. However, there’s no need to worry. The Coyotes’ “Hooked on Phoenix” program will allow the players to stay within the confines of the local elementary schools, tutoring the future Brian Bouchers of the world in spelling and grammar.

San Jose Sharks – With the teal and white sweaters shelved for an indefinite period of time, the Sharks are benefiting from all that discretionary income they’ve enjoyed and have gone the route of venture capitalism. Card Sharks, their grand hotel and casino, which features a lobby floor entirely covered in ice, will hit the Vegas strip in the coming weeks.

St. Louis Blues – Every time I turn on ESPN these days, it seems as if they’re doing a featurette on some athlete who moonlights on stage with an instrument. Moonlighting no more, the St. Louis Blues have formed their own band alongside B.B. King. Tonight’s feature performer: Chris Pronger on the harmonica.

Edmonton Oilers – Face it, longtime celebrity hockey fan Dennis Leary may have finally found success on TV with his FX comedy-drama Rescue Me. As a result, Leary, who’s torn up about not seeing his Bruins hit the ice this year, feels he has outgrown doing product promotion. This leaves Quaker State motor oil with an opening for pitchman. Looks like they have a choice of 24 Oilers to fill the spot.

Minnesota Wild – And on next week’s “Wild on E!”, Marian Gaborik and Manny Fernandez take you on a tour of the French Riviera, its beautiful beaches and scorching hotspots. Guest reporter Andrew Brunette will take you to try the local cuisine. Mmm…French Fries.

Colorado Avalanche – I believe that YAB has well-documented the plight of your Nation’s Capital whenever a dusting of snow comes creaking our way. Since we spend most of our municipal budget on, you know, having armed hummers stationed on our highways, little has been left for paying the guys who clear our roads during snow storms. Enter the Avalanche – Snow Removal Professionals. “Your Roads Cleared Faster than You Can Say Steve Konowalchuk.

Calgary Flames – The Flames, looking to branch out after losing the Stanley Cup (which seems like ages ago, mind you) will hit Hollywood looking for new work. Despite the expressive face of Jarome Iginla (?!?), we’re not talking about acting. The Flames will be behind the pyrotechnics of all this summer’s big blockbusters. Got a light?

Columbus Blue Jackets – Expansion Columbus looks to expand this fall – into some new autumn fashions! Come on in to Marc Denis’ Big and Tall, where men’s apparel for only the distinguished gentleman shops. Blue Jackets, made only out of the finest fabrics and colors (well, actually, just blue), will let you be the talk of the town, whether out in the club, at the office, or with that special someone. Comes with the highly-sought Rick Nash Guarantee.

Vancouver Canucks – Due to legal proceedings, the Vancouver Canucks are not eligible for Lockout-Jobs, as all will be serving jury duty in the criminal case for defendant/left wing Todd Bertuzzi. Since YABNews has not gained a press pass to the proceedings, we cannot comment further.

Chicago Blackhawks – Just like Stan Mikita (as featured in Wayne’s World), the Blackhawks plan to spread out to all four corners of the United States, opening up donut shops of their very own. If the lockout ever does come to an end, it is likely, if these franchises are successful, that the Blackhawks will not return. They’re that bad.

Dallas Stars – As long as cable has been around, couch potatoes everywhere have watched their movies courtesy of the pay movie channels, such as HBO and Showtime. However, with people (read: Chris Smith) just buying their movies on DVD these days, these channels must do something to keep their competitive edge. Minor market player Starz, as a result, have signed a promotional deal with the Dallas hockey team. Yes, now you too can watch Modano and Kumar Go to White Castle.

Part 2, later today.

Supermarket Sweep

I guess I rarely do critical reviews here at the ole' YIBYAB Corral, pretty much because I may not be the most qualified in writing reviews. Movies would be Topic Numero Uno on the list, and I feel that I'm qualified as a movie critic, just not a movie reviewer. I have no idea how to write a movie review that won't make people angry at me at point of completion. For one, as I'm sure you have read, my writing style is not afraid of shacking up with the Tangent Family (ooh, shiny!), and secondly, I have no idea how much to give away in my retelling of the film's plot. How do you get someone interested in seeing a flick without giving away the killer plot twist, nor even mentioning that there will be a twist in the first place. If I did that, you'd sit there on the edge of your seat wondering if every little action is the twist. See, I'm confused, and I haven't even written a movie review yet. So yeah, we'll steer clear of film. Let's go somewhere I can't screw up.

Food shopping. There shouldn't be any killer plot twists when it comes to groceries.

As I trumpeted a few days ago, the next best thing to having a Wawa just showed up in the heart of Fairfax, Virginia. Wegman's is here, and it's here to stay. I've been food shopping for years. And due to those stellar (eh, marginal) qualifications, I now present to the readers of YAB my Supermarket Review.

(But before I do that, it's tangent time. Does anyone else miss Supermarket Sweep? There was so much more strategy in that game that most of today's reality shows. I would pay money on eBay for one of those light blue sweatshirts they made you wear for the final sweep. Eh, just a thought.)

Accompanied by the Prodigal Roommate and J-Vo, we made our maiden voyage to the Supermarket of Dreams two nights ago at about 7:45 in the evening. Living in Falls Church is no obstacle, we decided, and were more than happy to make the 15 minute drive to food shop. The Fairfax Corner area is clean, well-kept, and a gracious host for our new Wegman's. (That sounded like we're having the Olympics, not a new store. Eh, whatever, I hope McLean gets to host in 2008.) The first thing that strikes us (no, not an oncoming car) is the parking facilities. It appears that they left the premise of a "parking lot" in upstate New York and have instead opted for "parking extravaganza." A two-story parking garage awaited us, and upon further analysis, both have their perks. Parking up top will put you at the store-level, and you can load your car just like anywhere else. Parking down below prevents you from loading your car in the rain, but it does mean you have enter through the wine cellar. Yes, I said wine cellar. Not rack. Cellar. Yikes.

If you choose to bypass the cellar, (which we did this time around), you walk up a winding staircase to ground level. Ground level presents you with a marketplace-type area and dining room (which also spans another story.) (This has wedding rehearsal dinner written all over it, btw) This first thing we noticed is that people weren’t really purchasing any food. Not out of disinterest, mind you. Old and young alike were just wandering around this new-found eatery with their mouths open, the heads tilted up, and their legs bruised from running blindly into shopping carts. We resisted the temptation to gape and got dinner prior to the actual food shopping. My sub and potato salad were both excellent. Yum.

Once our dinner was finished up on the terrace (I’m not kidding here, really.), it was time to actual do what I had come to do. Let’s break this down…

Layout – The aisles are nice and wide. Had I thought of it, I would have brought my rollerblades and stick and played a pick-up game of tuna hockey. In addition, the far end wall of the place is entirely paper towels, some 10 and 12 rolls deep. I swear, if I won a $500 dollar gift certificate to this place, I’d pay them $100 of it back just to be allowed to run full-speed and Lambeau leap into these towels. Awesome.

Selection – As I try my best to get the full new grocery store experience, I purchased my share of store brands. Only time will tell on the quality of Wegman’s brand bread, waffles, peanut butter, apple juice, cheese food, circular saw – scratch that last one. But the parking garage did have a Home Depot feel to it.

Cost – As far as I know, I bought about the same amount of food that I normally buy on my monthly visit, and I came in considerably lower than usual. I even bought some things that aren’t in the normal assortment (English muffins, popcorn.) The Preferred Shopper card didn’t play much of a role in this, as the initial prices were already lower. Heck, they even had 10 dollar DVDs – and not even the usual crappy supermarket assortment.

Staff – Which has more people – Fairfax Wegman’s or the Army of Cyprus? We’ll call it a draw. Everyone is friendly, and everyone had a specific job, even the guy who stacks apples for a living.

Two Thumbs Up. Indeed.

Chalk Outlines

More times than not, your favorite daily cirque de blogeil is written from the comfy confines of Cubicule 2373 in the McLean Towers. Let me try and describe what my little work world looks like on a normal day. And then I will go on to describe why today is anything but.

I have to admit, cube life isn't so bad, mainly because no two perceptions of cube life are the same. I can think of very specific varieties of cubes that I would want to be nowhere near. Such designs include 1) only three walls, with the fourth wall being a grand entrance for anyone to walk right on in; 2) walls that only come up to my waist, so that everyone can see everybody and it feels like you're being stalked; or 3) cubes made of uninviting, unforgiving metal siding, where you might as well be working in a garage. (Of course, that means I could exchange my highlighters for lawn tools, and that may make for a more interesting day...hmm...may have to look into that...)

What I do have, in my opinion, is the best cube you can have this side of Rubix. First off, I have four walls. The fourth wall, the one that faces out, only has a three foot opening, so that I can enjoy some privacy and not have people walk by, see what I'm doing, and then spill their coffee on the patch of hallway carpet I lay claim to. My two side walls are flanked by other cubes, and the fourth is the exterior building wall, which is nicely accessorized with six foot high wall-to-wall window. Secondly, these walls are tall. At least taller than me by a few inches, I don't have to worry about those weird people (McAleer?) staring at the back of my head. (Unless of course, we hire this guy.) Finally, the walls are made of a nice cloth exterior, which muffles the sound of throwing my rubber stress ball against the wall. (That is, if I actually, well did that, um, nevermind.)

It's all that I can ask for from a normal cube. Unfortunately, Normal just took the off-ramp, and now I'm being tailgated by Ridiculous.

You see, this morning started at about as normal as it can be. Got up, took a shower, got dressed, made lunch, packed my things, went to work, got to work, sat down, thought about what to blog about. This is everyday stuff people, nothing unusual. Then UNICCO showed up.

UNICCO is the company that supplies our building engineers (and many of my daily finance-related headaches). Two such engineers walked by my cube to go nextdoor to Carla's (my neighbor.) Well, it appears that during our last rainstorm, Carla's cube sprung a leak. The portion of ceiling right by the window had cracked, and needed repairs. (This is not an unfamiliar process for me. We have a similar situation in our bathroom.) However, when the problem is amended at home, the maintenance guy comes when we're not home, kind of fixes it, leaves some of his tools and leaves. I'm never around for it. This time, as I sit in my cubicle, I had front-row seats. It's a pretty complicated process, as it turns out, but for the point I'm trying to make, we need only deal with Step 1.

Step 1: Sand down the ceiling.

Knowing the simple premise of gravity, the engineers knew to put down a plastic sheet directly below the to-be-sanded ceiling, as well as some of Carla's nearby belongings. Now knowing the simple premise of air flow, the engineers did not think that the paint particles being sanded off the ceiling may not fall directly towards the earth, but rather be caught up in any current in the air that may pass through Carla's office. And I thought that dust cloud emanating from her cube would have been a clue.

When it was all said and done, the engineers had fixed the leak and repainted the ceiling. They also took their Dry-Vac and picked up much of the particles that had spread themselves around Carla's cube. Like the Cat in the Hat, everything was done professionally and quickly, and everything was in its place by the time Carla got into the office. I could say job well done...

...but why does MY cube look like a nuclear test site?

Enough of the paint dust made its way over here into 2373 to blanket everything I have out with a lovely film of white. (If this was a snowfall, I'm sure DC would cancel school for the winter.) Everything I have, from papers to my keyboard to my phone now looks like somebody's about to dust for fingerprints. My hair is now a distinguished gray, I'm sure, and I'm kicking myself for wearing a blue shirt today instead of a white. Paper feels weird to touch, but how do you wash paper to make it clean without getting it wet?!? What's more, any outgoing mail today will be received with great suspicion, since all I have has an unidentifiable white powder coating it. Like I said, Ridiculous is right behind me, honking his horn and flashing his lights. It's going to be a long day.

*cough*

Kickin' it Old School

A computer is not unlike Nintendo.

The computer we specifically speak of is my laptop here at work, and the Nintendo we specifically speak of is Nintendo: Old School. Think back to the times of when the former video game giant was truly great. No, not GameCube. Aside from geometric soundness, this was no big deal. And greatness precedes N64 as well. When your best game was just an updated MarioKart, you're not allowed near the winner's podium. And Super Ninendo had its moments too, but was all too often overshadowed by GameBoy. This leaves Side 1, Track 1 of Nintendo's greatest hits: The Original NES.

We make this comparison today because my computer, who behaved for the most part through our fiscal year end, has now taken this short lull of productivity and turned it into a frantic party, and everyone's invited. You have to love problems that leave Tech Support befuddled. Actually, you just have to love the word befuddled. A great man must have made up such a fun word to say. Anyway, here's what's (not) going on with my computer.

1. Put laptop in docking station.
2. Press power button to turn on.
3. Wait about 90 seconds while it goes through its system routine.
4. Start entering network ID and password.
5. Throw your pen across the room, while your computer inexplicably turns off.
6. Apologize to the passerby you just brained with your pen.

So, how does one fix such a problem? As we well know, until Condon gets his IT NASCAR pit crew, Tech Support will not be helpful. This leaves all solutions up to the enduser. Me. Now, if my laptop was truly created in the likeness of the original NES gaming system, the solution would be simple. With Nintendo, what one had to do when their copy of Rad Racer or Marble Madness went totally haywire (or Hayward, for Sara's machine), the fix was a breeze.

1. Open the Nintendo.
2. Take out the cartridge.
3. Blow on it, like you're playing a harmonica.
4. Re-insert the cartridge.
5. Close the Nintendo.

Now, there's no scientific evidence anywhere that proves that blowing on a video game will lead to a higher degree of electronic reliability. Yet, everytime, this is what had to be done. If you spilled a magnum-sized cup from Wawa on the console, it's okay. Just blow on the game, and continue punishing the Ghosts AND the Goblins. Looking back, this remedy seems awfully arbitrary. But, hey, it worked.

So when it comes to my computer this morning, let's throw out any technological know-how that I may have and do something that should make no sense whatsoever. Now I can't blow on the inner workings of my laptop: getting inside it would destroy it. Let's try the following protocol instead.

1. Pull laptop out of docking station.
2. Open the laptop.
3. Close the laptop.
4. Put the laptop back in the docking station.
5. Press the power button.

Sure enough, as I sit here typing before you today, we had liftoff. There is no explainable reason that my aforementioned instructions should have worked, but they did. Moral of the story: kids who play Nintendo will be great problem solvers later in life. But they'll have no idea why.

Epilogue: drawing on the Laptop-NES parallels has struck some other ideas that need minting. At my next staff meeting, I am going to have to propose some technology upgrades that will make the workplace more 1) productive and 2) fun. I believe that different NES gaming accessories can be unearthed and used in the offices and marketplaces of modern Corporate America. With some simple software design, I believe that the mouse should be replaced by the behemoth of joysticks, the NES Advantage. No longer will employees have to waste time adjusting the sensitivity of the optic eye of their mouse. Plus, this joystick comes with TURBO! Talk about increased productivity. Secondly, the Windows Calculator will become a tool of the past, as I think we should replace with the old Power Pad. Once used for Nintendo Track and Field, the arrows will be replaced with numbers, and the long jump will be replaced with long division. Finally, who can forget the Power Glove? Once you get by the metal bar that grinds into your hand, use it at the office for database management. Simply "pick up" the file and move it to where it needs to go! I can see the faces of the rest of the staff now...

Why do they look so befuddled?

Beware the Pilot Light

My good friend Jasen (hereafter in the blog referred to as Mr. Andersen, in order to create a Matrix-esque feel,) and I took a road trip up to Baltimore this past weekend. On the journey up, we discussed how Mr. Andersen left his brand-new apartment by finally turning the gas on to his stove, immediately followed by a prayer that when we return the next day, the complex hasn't disappeared in a massive fireball due to a certain gas leak. He's only been there for two weeks. You don't want to be the one who allows all your neighbors' possessions to get the Cajun treatment. Yeah, definitely don't be that guy.

Moral of the story: Never turn your back on the potential for catastrophe.

While I may not have left any situations in the past few days with a physical possibility of irreversible destruction, it appears that my weekend was greeted with an electronic firestorm. Leaving the office for the weekend is not without its customary routine of closing shop. Some things are done so that Monday won't start on a sour note: you straighten the papers on your desk, empty what remains in your water bottle, put all 700 highlighters back into the utensil cup. Some things are done to free your conscience: return phone calls to annoying vendors, schedule meetings for next week, answer any urgent e-mail in the inbox. Last week was no exception. Took care of it all, packed by bag, and Hellooooooo, weekend.

Or so I thought.

Now one of the nice things about having an apartment is that all of your posessions are condensed. We have a room that serves as a living room, den, and study, all wrapped into one. One such benefit is that my home computer, Attica, rests in the room I spend 80% of my time in. Therefore, it supports my addiction of being an e-mail junkie. If I have chosen the desk chair as my TV-watching spot, you better believe I'll surf on over to my inbox, even if I'm not expecting anything. Sometimes, it's a blessing. This time, 'twas a curse.

Waiting at home for my meat-free (Thanks, Lent) Pizza Hut pizza and watching TV was rudely interrupted by one such visit to the e-mail watering hole. It appears that what I thought had been closed ripped itself open again. The e-mail subject: Period 13 Charges for Sublease. The number of new e-mails with such a subject: 12.

Uh oh. The pilot light just flickered.

What I thought I had tied up neatly with two e-mails earlier in the day had steamrolled out of control to the point where I'm going to have to do everything (including let my pizza get cold) to rectify the situation. It seems that one of the recipients did not fully understand what was going to happen with a quarter-million dollar variance, and now I need to do my best to explain it. A few limitations. First, my e-mail at home doesn't let me instantly know when I have new e-mail. Second, my only other form of communication is my cell, and I don't know where it is.

Pilot light sparks a tiny fire.

So, I start to read the e-mails, and I see that this isn't going to be a situation where I can tell them him "I will walk you through this on Monday." Why? Well, first off three people are copied on this thread. And then, as the questioning intensifies and one grows more impatient with me not responding, he began to copy my old boss, who doesn't have anything to do with it. Then my new boss gets copied four e-mails later. And then one of the e-mails is from this guy's boss, asking me to call her. (Cell phone still missing.)

Tiny fire roars into a worrisome ball of flame.

It's so hard to fix a problem like this when you don't have your resources and files in front of you. All I've got in front of me is a lonely pizza. What variance is this guy talking about?!? If it were a big deal, I would have addressed it by now? Ok, time to start my flurry of responses. Wait for it...wait for it...AH! E-mail number 13. This is when I realize this guy is reading the data wrong. This is also when I realize that he and his boss probably have been calling my work phone for the last hour, wondering why I'm ignoring them.

Ball of flame rages and spreads to other inboxes.

This is how you put out a fire of this magnitude. First, the cordial "You're wrong, dummy" e-mail. Carefully explain where the oversight was, and offer a full explanation of how variances are handled. Second, run as fast as you can to your car and search frantically for your cell phone. Third, find the cell phone, call the guy's boss and explain the delay in response. Fourth, call your old boss and your new boss and tell them everything is under control. Fifth, call Pizza Hut, and get a new pizza. Yours is cold.

I would have been better off sitting on the couch.

The Economics of Blogging

Life is full of choices. Some are simple, some are not. It is a simple decision for me to drive my car to work, as opposed to break into my neighbor’s vehicle and drive it to work. The reason, as every economic textbook will scream at you, is opportunity cost. By taking my neighbor’s car, I may avoid for one more day refilling my own fuel tank. By taking my own car, I may avoid grand theft auto being permanently linked to my name and Social Security Number. Advantage: Condon’s Accord.

An example of a difficult decision is whether or not to allow YAB drop its blog deficit. As you’ve probably noticed by now, I’ve been backdating posts for a little while. Four days behind happened as a result of a particularly taxing year-end at work, the monkeywrench of having three-day weekends, and one fierce case of blogger’s block. This leaves us with an economic decision to make here. And as a private company, You’re a Blog Incorporated sees this decision as internal.

Before we get to that decision and the evaluation of the different options, let’s put one reader in his place. To the one who claims to be one of several shareholders in the financial stake of YAB Inc. (He would spell it “steak”, if you needed a clue.): let’s get one thing straight. The only stakeholder in the financial well-being of the blog is Chris Condon, Editor-in-Chief and Chief Awesome Officer. In order for there to be shareholders in this company, shares must have been issued at some point between 7/27/04 and now. If you can produce the documentation, then please come forth, good sir whistleblower. We do have legal council, and he’s a black belt, so if you would like to pick a fight, be our guest. Until then, the Board makes all executive decisions, as per the Condon Rules. (And he sure does.)

Ok, back to the topic at hand. In order to combat this blog deficit, our crack team of economists has developed three solutions to pull YAB out of this whole back dating issue. Yes, it has been a little unsettling to recap the NFC Championship game before kickoff, or countdown the best Super Bowl Commercials even before they were aired. For archival purposes, it’s thrown the blog for a loop. An ultimatum must be, uhh…ultimated. Rock.

Solution Number 1 – Just like a disposed asset, write off the missing blogs as growing pains, and move forward with proper dating techniques. But at what cost? There is no salvage value of a blog that was never written, much like an airline seat that was never filled before takeoff. However, this method would allow the proverbial plan to take off at the right time from this departure forward. Seems like a viable option. Except for the fact that Condon can no longer pride himself on the fact that he writes a daily. And that, dear readers, is something we are just not ready to do. Executive decision: REJECTED.

Solution Number 2 - Rather than allow the four days to drop to the bottom line, post four times in succession without any constrictions to length or quality. Consider posting interesting articles and/or shortened musings and count as a day's worht of post. Benefits of this solution is that, just like Solution Number 1, it wipes the slate clean, allowing Condon to once again not feel guilty about writing about time-lapsed topics. (Ex. Would have seemed silly to publish my 1 on 1 tell-all interview with Groundhog Phil on February 6.) However, readers of YAB would not and should not stand for subpar efforts from their daily visit to the blog, and this owuld negate some of the marketing slogans we've been developing. Just imagin the revisions... "YAB - Where we bring the funny, at least most of the time." or "YAB. Bringing Mediocrity to the Internet!" Face it, I'm my own toughest critic. Executive Decision: REJECTED.

Solution Number 3 - Continue the current course. Strive to get those 4 delinquent horses into the stable. Produce four high-quality blogs, that do not decline in value, even though they will enjoy top billing on the site for a matter of hours, instead of a full day. Pros - I may do it for my own sense of self-satisfaction, but at least quality doesn't decrease. Also, once caught up, can again fully claim to be a daily that brings the funny. As a result of extra hard work, be perceived asthe Cal Ripken Jtr. of the blogging world. Executive Decision: ACCEPTED.

And just like that, 1 down, 3 to go.

Culinary Reprieve

“Acorns were good till bread was found.” - Sir Francis Bacon

Friends, Roman, Blogreaders, lend me your cheers. For we here in the Falls Church metropolitan area have reason to celebrate! For too long we have subjected ourselves to the acorns of the supermarket world. Sure, they served good purpose, but at what cost, I beg you! Deli sections that close at 8pm?? Meat specials that are gone faster that you can say "Skinless boneless chicken"? Dimly lit and overstocked no longer, good citizens!

Thank you Safeway, thank you Giant. You've been lovely guests at the Hotel Foodshop, but I'm afraid your time is past, your bags have been packed, so collect your things and go. We have chosen not to extend your reservation any longer. There's a new guy in town, and we're taking our business to him. He's the bread, not the acorn. His name:

Wegmans.

That's right, even here in tiny ole' Fairfax, Virginia, we too can enjoy grocery shopping located just past the cutting edge. This is Corporate Expansionism that we can embrace! I've sampled the other offerings of the region, and in a candleholding contest, not one of them can, well, hold a candle to the SuperMarket Experience we are about to enjoy.

Giant disappoints by having a poorly managed location near my apartment, despite being an overall above average company. Safeway is still building their new and improved store down Lee Highway, so I am currently left with the old-school model which isn't cutting it. Virginia is also home to Ukrop's, which would be fine except for that whole "We're closed on Sundays" mantra, Kroger, whose generic brand is 'Crackin' Good' (my favorite - Crackin' Good Toaster Pastries), makes things so wordy you panic (they're Pop Tarts, you fools!), and Shoppers Food Warehouse, which puts the gross in grocery shopping. Just listen to the different features that this upstate-NY company will offer (and just for fun, pick out the feature Condon made up...)

• Coin Redemption Self Service - Sure, my Safeway has this Coinstar, but out of the last 20 times I've tried to use it, it's been out of order 19.
• Sweet Images Personalized Cakes - Personalized! That's genius. I'm ready to place my order now. I would like my cake to say "You're a Blog Lets Them Eat Cake" and also sing the Oscar nominees for Best Song.
• Cooking Classes - I would love to teach the world my secrets behind Condonents and Captain Lucky Pops. I wonder if they are done hiring...
• Robot Shoppers - Real robots you can program to do all of the following: complete your grocery list, sneak that frozen cheesecake into the cart that you feel guilty about buying, and load your vehicle.
• Complements - I love what you've done with that shopping cart.
• Nature's Marketplace - Ever want to know what Mother Nature would buy at a grocery store? Now you can. Probably everything is organic, and nothing ends in '-oritos.'

I'm sure I'm not highlighting the best features of the best supermarket there ever was, but I guess you'll have to just come and check it out yourself. And tell them Chris sent you. And they'll look at you funny.

WYAB in Cincinnati

Morning radio is dead.

The last few days I have really had a hard time finding a morning talk show program that can hold my interest from Random Run Lane all the way to SAIC Drive. Shows are either too offensive or too bland, leaving this commuter in need of something to hold my interest. Because if radio can't keep my mind off the fact I am driving to a place where I sit at a desk for nine hours, I'm increasingly tempted to veer off the beaten path and do something completely unexpected and renegade-like. Like steal baby cheetahs.

WTOP is also the local newsradio station in the DC area. It follows that standard newsradio format, where at certain times in the hour you can count on certain kinds of news. And WTOP does a solid job of keeping the local commuting herd at bay, preventing them from smashing their cars into the next in line. But it's good, and not great. I don't think that the constant chatter they provide can contain the Condon. If there were only another newsradio station on the dial. Enter WYAB.

WYAB isn't your father's talk radio. It's exactly the type of programming that Station Manager Chris Condon would have if, well, Chris Condon were its station manager. Having listened to enough of WTOP (and KYW 1060 for you Philly folks), Condon has this scheduling format down. All things interesting to him, all the time. Heck, in time, we'll even develop a catchy station identification jingle. But in the meantime, here's what you can expect in a half-hour block of WYAB listening enjoyment.

(listed by minutes, this schedule loops on the half hour)

:01-:02 - Domestic News - Seems like a good way to kick off the hour. Lets you know about what's going on in DC Politics, as well as any other issues de force that could become water cooler topics. Proposed Correspondent: Kermit the Frog.

:03-:04 - Trivaways - The one good reason to listen to the FM station's morning shows is that they give concert tickets away for answering trivia. My station will adopt this promotion, but only using concerts I would like to see (Guster, BNL) and trivia questions only I know the answer to ("What was the name we gave to my Nintendo 64?")

:05 - Super Market Report - Lets me know what in my kitchen I am running out of, so that I don't have an excuse to go food shopping later in the day. Thanks to WYAB, I'll know when we're out of pickles.

:06-:07 - Movie Review Corner - Courtesy of The Film Critic, 2 minutes of random reviews from Chris Smith's well-run website. I don't necessarily want the best reviews, just the funniest: "I just watched Zoolander with Owen Wilson and Ben Stiller. They both agreed it sucked."

:08 - Laundry Report - Just like a how Wall Street is reported, I want to know what my current level of dress shirts, running shorts, and pairs of socks is, so that I know whether or not to plan to do laundry that night. Will also remind me if I left clothes in the dryer. Again.

:09-:10 - Traffic and Weather - Simple rationale here. The most crucial part of the broadcast, WTOP has their traffic and weather together on the 8's. And since I always miss their report by 60 seconds, I'm bumping my broadcast back by precisely that amount.

:11-:12 - World News - This is the international side of the news. I want to know what's going on beyond our borders, and I want to be quizzed on country capital cities. Proposed Correspondent - Sam Eagle.

:13-14 - YAB Archives - In a brilliant stroke of cross-promotion, two minutes of every half-hour will be devoted to the reading of past You're a Blog posts. A great timewaster. But never a waste of time.

:15 - The Best of Buys - Business section of the broadcast. Ok, not really. Just a listing of what DVDs are on sale at BestBuy today. Mmm...commerce.

:16 - HW Report - When I get home at the end of day, I'm sure I have homework I need to be doing for class. But I never can quite remember what exactly that is. Therefore, I can either try and dig up that misplaced syllabus, or I can let YABNewsRadio just tell me.

:17-:18 - The Locker Room - Finally, sports! Well, not real sports. This 120 seconds is reserved for full-scale coverage of all of Spud and my exploits in the EA Sporting World. Game recaps, interviews with our players, and scouting reports on whatever sorry team the Redskins have to pit against our PS2 Eagles. This is how sports should be done.

:19-20 - Traffic and Weather - Because you never know what storm fronts could change in a span of ten minutes.

:21-22 - YABNews - From groundbreaking stories on angry temple monkeys to other global oddities, YABNews Correspondent Mattias Caro brings you the weirder side of the news.

:23-24 - Accentuating - In-house funnyman Spud Mellor reads random pieces of literature in funny accents. Ever heard IHOP's breakfast menu read by the vice of Conan the Barbarian? Tune in.

:25 - It's a Gas - A Review of local gas prices along your traveling route. I'm sure there's some GPS technology that needs to be invested in here, but hey, I'm not the engineer, just the station manager.

:26-:28 - Parody Time - A three minute block devoting to playing the greatest hits of Lyric Intensive, the greatest parody band to ever, um, live in Monroe Hall?

:29-30 - Traffic and Weather - Vital stuff, people. Hey, I've even got the catchy catchphrase: Traffic and Weather aligned on the nines. Genius.