Diamond Play

I know this needs about to be about the World Series. I know this needs to be about the Boston Red Sox. I know this was so anti-climactic...

One thing I do know is that last week I beat the Washington Post to the punchline. If you recall (or more likely, scroll down to last week's post), you'll see that I used my creative bone to coin the phrase Greenmonsters, Inc. Part Pixar flick, part Fenway monolith, it seemed like a rare original thought from Condon. Three days later, the Post led with a Monsters, Inc. headline in the sports section with a picture of Derek Lowe and Bronson Arroyo standing in front of the most famous left field wall in the bigs. Do you think they read the blog?

If so, please tell Stephen Hunter to take a flying leap off the balcony at his local cineplex.

Here's one more story you're not going to find the Post breaking: Boston's Curse may have been reversed, but other hexes still lurk in the dugouts of Major League Baseball. That's right, Babe Ruth may have faded off into the sunset, but there's there's still some supernaturality in the batting circles of the other 29 pro teams. Somethinghad to account for each team not winning the World Series in 2004. What? Did you think championships are won with pitching? Clutch hitting? Please. It's all about the legend.

As a public service, here's the specters that haunt the rest of the American League. (with last World Series win in parenthesis)

New York Yankees (2000) - How do they make it to the playoffs every year since 2000 without winning another title? Easy. It's the Curse of the Knoblauch. Formerly a Minnesota Twin, Knoblauch came to the Yanks to boot ground balls, earn clutch strikeouts, and accidentally step on George Steinbrenner's cat. Poor, poor Irabu.

Anaheim Angels (2002) - It may have been only two years since their last pennant, but the Angels have been doomed ever since thanks to the Curse of Rally Monkey. The lovable primate with the superlong arms may have gotten them past the Giants, but he's been rendered helpless once he found out the Man with the Yellow Hat works for Balco.

Chicago White Sox (1917) - The Curse of the Bambino was born an entire year after the Curse of the Kinsella. Kevin Costner may have brought Chicago back to life in Field of Dreams, but once he had a (not played) catch with his father, the Sox' Series hopes sunk faster than Waterworld at the box office.

Kansas City Royals (1985) - The Pine Tar Incident, unfortunately for KC, did not end with a frantic George Brett tirade. It seems that some of the tar in question found its way into the Missouri River, stunting strength and agility for the Royals of the future. See Hamelin, Bob.

Seattle Mariners (1977) - The biggest movie in the year of Seattle's maiden season was Star Wars. Ever since, it's been like they've been trying to pitch to Kenny Baker. Call it the Curse of the Droid Strike Zone. (I always thought Jay Buhner's head resembled the Death Star, too.)

Detroit Tigers (1984) - No curse here. The Tigers suck.

Tampa Bay Devil Rays (1998) - They've only been around for six years, but the Bambino has taken up a summer residence in the Sunshine State. They spelled out their doom by retiring career BoSock Wade Bogg's number in their third year of existence, while Beantown had yet to recognize their best 3B in history. That's poor planning.

Minnesota Twins (1991) - Double Your Pleasure, double your fun! Too bad the Twins can't hit or pitch, it's Doublemint Gum! Ta da!

Oakland Athletics (1989) - In 1989, Oakland was the first California team to down the Giants in the World Series. They did it with the Bash Brothers and a huge freakin' earthquake. Unfortunately, the tremor cursed the A's up to the present. In a related story, Tremors came out in 1990, cursing the acting career of Reba McEntire. Go fig.

Cleveland Indians (1948) - Yes, you've all seen Major League, and know if there's any team as tortured as Boston, it's the Tribe. You may not have known that Cerrano's native land of Zaire was threatened with the worst drought in history in '48, and ever since Cleveland's hopes have dried up, too.

Baltimore Orioles (1983) - Strangely enough, Cal Ripken was just another everyday shortstop when the Orioles hopes were dashed. While the streak will go down in the books for seventy years (until Carlos Beltran's grandson snaps it on the Alberquerque Radioactive Sox), it did nothing to get the O's another title. In 1983, the #1 song was "Every Breath You Take" by the Police. Marylanders ares till holding theirs.

Texas Rangers (1961) - In the 44 year history of the team, they have only had one year where they had a guy actually named Walker (Duane, 1985). Cursehunters, start searching here.

Toronto Blue Jays (1993) - Still bitter over the Canadians' win over my hometown Fightin's in 1993, I called upon a Voodoo Expert to put a curse on Joe Carter and his teammates by casting a spell.
Wait, I was just a kid. In that case, replace "Voodoo Expert" with "Joe Brescia" and "casting a spell" with "tripping over a fence at track practice."

Boston Red Sox (1918) - Oh, wait. Scratch that.