90 Cents on the Dollar

As a town, Washington D.C.’s will no doubt be a little down this week. Consider the following:

• Their 3rd best pro athlete, Alfonso Soriano, is headed to the Midwest to play for the Cubs until he’s 83 years old.
• The election spotlight has faded, now nearly two weeks in the rearview.
  The head of DC’s Police Department has put in his two weeks, and has one foot out the door.
• Oh, and the National Park Service has shut down use of the Washington Monument grounds for alumni flag football. I‘ve tried calling Secretary of the Interior Dirk Kempthorne, but I always end up just giggling at his name.

Since the Nation’s Capital doesn’t exactly have the time to brighten everyone’s spirits by throwing together a hastily-assembled Thanksgiving parade, some might think that this holiday weekend will be shrouded in depression and tryptophan. However, YABNews has the breaking news, and we would like to call those who might think that idiots. After all –

NO ONE EXPECTS THE – (can this be right? Really? This is the big announcement? Ok, fine – I’ll try this again.)

NO ONE EXPECTS THE U.S. MINT! (?) !

That’s right! From the folks who made it cool to hoard quarters and remove them from circulation come Round 3 of the Great Utilization of the American Coin (GUAC). A new dollar coin will debut in 2007, trying to succeed where has-beens Susan B. Anthony and Sacajawea failed so miserably. And who will be the leader of this bold campaign to devalue a crisp new Mr. Washington?

Um, our notes show Mr. Washington…and friends.

Yes, as per the article, 4 new Presidential dollars will be revealed each year until 2017, when we run out of dead presidents. (It’s a federal law that only the deceased can appear on currency, as to avoid something our forefathers referred to as a MASSIVE EGO TRIP.) No doubt those who have been collecting state quarters since 1999 will embrace our new gold coin overlords, but will these round, gleaming cylinders of liberty make a difference as to how our society exchanges money for goods and services? (We don’t have a clue – which means that question was “rhetorical.”)

In times such as these, we find it helpful to imagine what it will be like to buy things with currency with former Presidents on it. Will you feel comfortable with shoving the head of Herbert Hoover into a parking meter? What about JFK’s mug into a vending machine in exchange for some Cheetos? Sure, there are Presidents on current coinage, but those portraits are universal – by doing a quarter-like set of Presidential dollars, these will no doubt face more scrutiny and attention. We here at YAB are all in favor of this newest shake-up, with one exception.

Warren G. Harding.

Wikipedia has compiled several surveys conducted over the years that aimed to answer “Who was the Best President We’ve Ever Had?” And while that answer is often unanimous (Washington), such surveys also reveal our worst Commanders in Chief. And somehow, amidst all the statistics and accomplishments, President Harding is at the bottom of the barrel. Below the guy we impeached (Johnson), below the alcoholic (Pierce), hell, even behind the guy who didn’t make it through his inauguration speech (Harrison). After all, it was Harding who is remembered for corruption, Teapot Dome, and had a foreign policy equivalent to putting a pillow over your ears and closing one’s eyes.

How can his dollar possibly be worth the same amount? Thoughts?