Tightening the Daily Noose

Lost in the “What does it all mean?”-type post about Zamboni Tokyo Drift yesterday was a throwaway joke aimed at the publication that alerted us to this round of Idahoan tomfoolery. We referred to the Seattle Pilot as “a reputable news source with a stupid name” (go ahead – scroll down if ye doubt the claim.)

To be honest, we’ve never held a copy of the Pilot in our hands, and our assertion of it being reputable is based on the fact that its website looks professional enough. So we may have unknowingly stumped for a disreputable periodical that is the literary equivalent of crayon scrawling on the wallpaper.

But being a stupid name? Oh, sure. We can totally vouch for that.

You see, most of the newspapers that we read on a daily basis have names that have existed for centuries. Certain words have are now synonymous with the news, because some enlightened publisher in the 1870’s sought out the ideals of the First Amendment, or even the definition of “news” to bless us with a paper using that noble word. The Times. The Post. The Herald. The Observer. The Chronicle. These are all good names that allow the reader to realize contained within are articles that report current events – a written-word town crier, in essence.

And thanks to New York, Washington, Miami, Charlotte, San Fran and others – these names are taken. In fact, leaving the city names out of the title further solidify them as good titles. The Pilot, on the other hand, can enjoy no such familiarity. Rather than being a name that makes you immediately think “news,” it instead makes you think “Luke Skywalker standing outside an X-Wing fighter.” Nor can you ask a colleague, “Hey, did you see The Pilot today” in order to bring attention to the write-up on the Seahawks game – instead you’ve got a paranoid co-worker reliving a Seinfeld episode.

But it doesn’t end there.

Here’s a list of the 7 Stupidest Major Newspaper Names. (Note: By major, we mean you have at least one team in the 4 major pro sports leagues.)

1. Atlanta Journal-Constitution – Many papers end up as the merging of two lesser papers, often occurring decades before. But rather than alienate one of the two fanbases, editors chose to keep both names and make the paper’s header look less vacant. The A-T-L’s main paper is no exception. While Journal is a solid name that we would be behind fully, the addition of Constitution denotes an ego complex, as if a document that carriers Mary Worth and The Jumble is on par with a founding manuscript of America. In addition, truncating the name to the “JC” does you no better. After all, some misguided associate might think that by saying “The JC said yesterday that the union strike is over!” could mean that Jesus Christ used divine intervention to get people back to work.
2. Sacramento Bee – Owls are known for their wisdom. Elephants apparently never forget. Bees, on the other hand, are a pain in the neck. Literally. (Oh, and they remind you that your spelling skills need some work.)
3. New Orleans Times-Picayune – Another victim of merger mania, the Times-Picayune received it’s latter name from the original cost of the paper in 1837. The picayune, or roughly 6.25 cents in Spanish money, is no longer the current price. (It should be noted that from 1980 to 1986, another merger changed the paper’s name to the New Orleans Times-Picayune States-Item, or the NOTPSI. So hey, that’s an improvement, right? (Also, 1 Spanish picayune won’t buy you much in a French Quarter. Hey-oh!)
4. Kansas City Star – This isn’t a newspaper. It’s a reality show waiting to happen. (Winner will be the first Royal to get an extra-base hit in 2007. Anyone?)
5. Seattle Pilot – Um, yeah. We covered this one already. Red 5 Standing By.
6. Cleveland Plain-Dealer – easily the worst major newspaper name in the country. Hell, I even checked out major Canadian outlets and they could do no worse. The Plain-Dealer does not ring of the patriotic authority and integrity that the Bill of Rights has made the Freedom of the Press to be. It instead rings of either a farmers’ trade magazine or somewhere I’d look to be a 83’ Grand Am.
7. Detroit Free Press – costs $12.50 a month. What?