How Not to Fix Iraq

Because of increasing likelihood of failure and decreasing approval ratings, President Bush recently called for an independent council to review our nation’s policies in Iraq. This occurred a few months ago, before the election, and somewhat concurrently with the departure of Donald Rumsfeld. What does this mean to those who seek comedy and not political opinion from YAB? Well, for one, we realize that the council is made up largely of our President’s father’s friends and colleagues – including former Secretaries of State Baker and Eagleburger.

(Note: while this may work out nicely for America, convening a council using MY father’s friends would be WAY more entertaining. They couldn’t guarantee victory overseas, but damn, would we know a lot about coaching youth sports.)

Like I said, this council of great diplomatic minds of the past twenty years (and WM Chancellor O’Connor) have gotten together and produced a report that very well may outline where our nation is headed in Baghdad. That report was released today by form of a compact booklet that commands respect and attention. Its title? The Iraq Study Group Report.

Wha?

Yes, America. Apparently the best way to gear up for foreign policy is by forming a study group.

Now having escaped the halls of academia, if nothing else, I can consider myself an expert on the organizational culture of study groups. In general, a study group is a collection of people in seek a common goal, pooling resources and brainpower in hopes of succeeding to a higher degree than had they holed themselves up in a library and solo-crammed for 12 hours. And because of the added distractions that each member brings to the group, the expected success rate of such a group hovers around, oh, 12 per cent.

This was our best idea for a solution?

I can just picture how it all went down now. A cadre of former congressmen, executive advisors, and other civil servants all came over on a Friday night to Baker’s pad, dressed comfy-casually. Chuck Robb brought a couple 6-packs, Vernon Jordan had chips, and Baker informed the crew that pizza should be here in fifteen minutes. Instead of diving in to the Iraq problem only to be interrupted by the kid from Dominos, the group held off starting until the pizza arrived, which didn’t happen for a full half-hour (Baker stiffed him on the tip as a result.) In the meantime, Leon Panetta got smoked by Eagleburger in ping pong, while William Perry told his favorite story about getting mistaken for being on the ’85 Bears. Post-Clinton cabinet, he now insists on being called “Fridge.”

And then they ate without doing actual work, fearing that they may get pizza grease on official war crime tribunal docs. This took an hour.

Now 9:30, it’s time for Edwin Meese to do the one thing everybody fears: whips out the notecards. Not only does it force a bunch of septuagenarians to stare at tiny neon cards with 10 point font, it shows that Meese doesn’t trust the rest of the study group and actually did his studying on the topic earlier. After all, he’s not going to get pulled down by the group. While thankful for his contribution, the rest of the group will silently loathe him for the rest of the evening.

After Meese’s Magical Notecard Tour, the group decides to further divide itself into mini-groups to cover the different areas of interest: military support, diplomatic actions, resource management, pull-out scenarios, and beer run. This increases the paperwork while decreasing efficiency. And now Eagleburger, as drunk as his name is stupid, is challenging the grandfather clock to a ping pong showdown.

It’s now 2 in the morning, and everyone is passed out asleep, with the exception of Baker and O’Connor. It’s a proven fact that women do much better in study groups than men, which is why Sandy is the sole source of the Iraq Study Group Report. Baker is up to type what O’Connor dictates, following another rule of study groups. No one likes to share computers. After all, if you’re behind the wheel, no one can accuse you of not helping in the driving.

Godspeed, America.