Put a Stocking In It, Wham.

As Katie and I set out to do some Christmas shopping on Black Friday ’06, I scrolled through the South Jersey radio stations, and like clockwork, several had flipped already to their yuletide formats. 8 times out of 10, this would be welcome in my car, a sort of ceremonial unveiling of December and the upcoming holiday season. However, thanks to Philly stations 101.5 and 104.1, I remember what those other 2 times out of 10 actually stand for – the two worst Christmas songs of all time.

“Last Christmas” by Wham! – Yes, it was then when George Michael and Andrew Ridgeley gave you their heart, only to take it away on the very next day. It seems that in the mid-eighties, this pop duo misunderstood the Season of Giving to be the Season of Giving and then Immediately Taking Back. Lyrical monstrosity aside, this song is groin-grabbingly bad. I’ll take Christmas bells over cheesy synthesized riffs and artificial handclaps. Why is this song still on the radio over 20 years later? Does Ebenezer Scrooge own Clear Channel?

“Wonderful Christmas Time” by Paul McCartney – From the “I learned it from watching Wham!” school of songwriting, former Beatle and current British Knight Sir Paul ratcheted up the synth machine for some holiday joy of his own. It seems that McCartney asked for a Casio keyboard and a music video that’s creepy as hell. Yes, this is the man whose genius is responsible for such hits like “Can’t Buy Me Love” and “Yesterday.” Just thought I’d point that out before I leave my desk for a second to destroy my car radio. Hang on a sec…MUST. STOP. MUSIC. FROM. PLAYING.

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Ok, back now. As you may have guessed, we’re not exactly a fan of these two holiday songs, as we feel they, well, ruin December radio. In order to pull us out of the musical tailspin, here is YAB’s CD of Modern Christmas Classics. You see, McCartney and Wham aside, modern artists have managed to put together a decent set of singles that are worthy of accolades and heavy rotation. Just consider it YAB’s Maybe Now That’s What I Call a Very Special Ultimate Christmas.

Ground rules: 1. All songs need to be an original composition – not a remake of an old favorite – unless you so totally embody the song that your version is now considered THE version of the song for years to come. 2. Must have been recorded in the last 40 years. 3. Must not be Celine Dion.

Track 1 – “Christmas Eve in Sarajevo,” Trans-Siberian Orchestra. An electric medley of God Rest Ye and Carol of the Bells, this song could lead off just about any mix CD I ever made, Christmas-themed or not. And it made one hell of a cool backdrop in Home Alone.
Track 2 – “Father Christmas,” The Kinks. It’s surprising how many punk-type songs have been churned out from the underground. But this one rules, unless of course, you’re a little rich boy.
Track 3 – “Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town,” Bruce Springsteen – the Yuletide embodiment of Ground rule #1. This is his now, joining the ranks of Ives, Martin, and Crosby.
Track 4 – “Peace on Earth/Drummer Boy,” Bowie and Crosby - Speaking of good old Bing, this late 70’s collaboration is a beautiful blend of two generations of singers. Well done, Mr. Bowie.
Track 5 – “Feliz Navidad,” Jose Feliciano – What? He wants to wish you a Merry Christmas. Where? From the bottom of his heart. What a nice guy!
Track 6 – “All I Want for Christmas is You,” Mariah Carey – Yeah, I can’t believe I typed it either, but her 1994 Xmas single has shown great staying power. And it’s a testament to a nicer, saner time – before she went mentally insane.
Track 7 – “Do They Know It’s Christmas?” Live Aid – What’s that, Bono? You say you have the absolute weirdest, out-of-place Christmas song lyrics of all time? Ok, go ahead. Bono: “Well tonight thank God it’s them, instead of youuuuuuuuuuuuuuu.”
Track 8 – “Happy Christmas (War is Over),” John Lennon. I bet you that Ringo could have written a better carol than Paul.
Track 9 – “Christmas Wrapping,” The Waitresses – Okay, overall from a lyrical standpoint, it’s makes very little sense. But it has a solid guitar riff, and you’ll tap your steering wheel for a good 3 minutes to it, while contemplating just what the hell Bono was talking about two songs ago.
Track 10 – “Christmas is All Around,” Bill Nighy – Yeah, it’s from Love Actually, and the joke was that it sucked. But hey, it’s kind of catchy, no?

Hidden Track – “The Chanukah Song,” Adam Sandler - (Blows Dreidel, Dreidel out of the water.)