Then does Lefteous mean Bad?

Ah, the new guy.

On very, VERY rare occasions, a bi-coastal company finds themselves filling a vacant slot of employment by extending their candidate search outside of the local job market. This is done for one of two reasons. 1) The local market candidate search has grown so futile you actually end up debating mediocre applicants on grounds like “who had the most powerful power tie?” 2) Someone in your company on the other coast is already experienced in the job, and you have the persuasion skills of a Jedi.

My current firm has main offices in Virginia and California. As you may know, these are two very different states. Hell, one of the two would even prefer to be addressed as “Commonwealth,” out of an interest in sounding prestigious and moving from V to C in the alphabetical roll call. It’s crazy-congested with traffic, politicians that act like movie stars, and as of today, the weather report is calling for brilliant sunshine.

The other is California.

In my tenure, I have seen several employees agree to make such a cross-country job transition, playing the relocation game to the tune of 3,000 miles. But every single-time, it involved them selling their Arlington County condo or townhome in favor of sunny Southern California. It’s an appealing move, we totally concede. They have better weather, sports teams, weather, traffic, weather, air quality, weather, and weather. So what if you now have to live three hours behind the real world? It’s okay, we’ll wait as you catch up (or force you to start your work day at 7am, one or the other.)

But in a completely unprecedented move, it appears the jet stream has reversed and we’ve brought someone eastward. You know, for the lesser weather, sports teams, weather, traffic, weather, air quality, weather, and weather.

Huh?

So we’ve acquired a West Coastie into our ranks for the first time. Ever. Rumor has it he went to school out on in California, but was born and raised in North Carolina, and saw this move not only as a promotion but an opportunity to bring the family back east. Now as an internal auditor, our friend – we’ll forthwith refer to him as “Tony Gwynn” – had a job that required a travel time percentage of about 3%. He hasn’t been on the East Coast since 1991 – that’s 15 long years being detached from here. 15 years of being a full director’s cut showing of Dances with Wolves behind the times.

There is little doubt that upon entering a new environment, one must adapt quickly to blend in by observing and embracing the customs and methods of those in said environment. Office culture is no exception. Sorry, Mr. Gwynn.

Since I don’t have the power to enforce things like “only carrying coffee cups in your left hand” and “fist pump when your document comes out of the printer,” I’ve had to resort to more basic imposed East Coast norms.

Vocabulary Infusion.

For the immediate future, I have about 10 people on board. The ruse? Anytime something happens that causes one to say “good,” “great,” “fine,” “excellent,” and so on, the word will be and only be “RIGHTEOUS.” Every thing will be righteous – from jobs well done to positive-looking forecasts. Hell, feel free to join in on the fun.

(Hopefully, this will succeed better than when I tried to invoke “ZESTY” to friends returning from abroad study programs in 2001. Thanks for nothing, Taco Bell.)