Back in June we introduced Holishax to those who live out DC Metropolitan region. Yes, the suburban nature to create temporary holiday decoration depots in the parking lot of your favorite supermarket have become a mainstay where I now live, and as expected with the Thanksgiving festivities behind us, it’s that time again.
Christmas trees.
As I cruise down the main drag of Vienna, Virginia (by cruise of course I mean crawl and a mind-numbingly slow pace), I see that many local civic organizations have wasted little time in installing and pushing their arboreal wares upon the public. So what if Wegman’s have been pushing their fake trees since, well, October? These are the real deal, people – pre-cut, pre-cleaned, and simply begging you to bring them into your homes, whereby the trees promise to maintain a limited shelf life and drop needles all over the carpet right before company arrives.
But from whom do you buy?
As it turns out, it seems that every civic organization has access to fine Canadian spruce and is willing to volunteer to move them on the blacktop market. The Rotary Club and the Knights of Columbus seem like worthy pine merchants (although I’d be much more inclined to buy from the latter if they went with my suggested slogan of “We Are the Knights Who Say Tree…”). And I suppose Boy Scouts of America know enough about the great outdoors to warrant them a merit badge in evergreen commerce.
But if I had to buy a tree in this fashion, all three pale in comparison to an organization that while pushing Christmas Trees also embodies the spirit of the season. This is a spirit that foretells better times are ahead, a spirit that has the childlike awe that the holidays promote, the spirit that “It’s a Wonderful Life” so consistently evokes. No, we’re not buying our YAB office Christmas tree from the Jimmy Stewart Fan Club, folks. Instead, we have only one choice:
The Optimists Club of Vienna.
Yes, they really exist. No, we’re not card-carrying members. And while we do subscribe to the Glass is Half-full club (unless the glass contains Yuengling, Gatorade, or Cherry Pepsi, whereby the glass is therefore EMPTY), until this recent tree-selling venture by the old OC of V, we had no idea such a club existed. But they certainly HOPE we knew they existed, right?
Their credo pledges to be “progressive in thought and action and in community service.” Sure you are guys. We know you really exist to wreck the Pessimist Club of Annadale in the Fairfax Country Civic Org Basketball League. And when you don’t, you at least stay convinced that you “can do better next time” and “the shots will fall eventually” and “world peace has got to break out soon, right?”
Look, I’m not ragging on optimists – that would be rather hypocritical. Instead, we present this list of Top 3 sales pitches you’ll never hear the Optimist Club of Vienna employ when trying to convince you to purchase a Christmas tree from them.
1. Your tree is dead. Your children are next.
2. What do you mean you want us to tie your tree onto the roof of your car with rope? Why can’t we just use hope?
3. Yes, we definitely think that decorating your tree will make it full of holiday joy. But keep in mind, every time a bell rings, an angel flies into a billboard.
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