We Need a Montage!

Yeah, we’ve got a lot of problems here in America. There are so many systems whose complex yet convoluted make-up are long overdue for an overhauling. Social Security. The Electoral College. Rock-Paper-Scissors. (thanks to new advances in scissory) But as many a Wolverine fan can attest, none of these systems are so widely ridiculed as Bowl Championship Series, or the BCS.

Before we reveal the real secret behind bowl season, a quick note from us at the BCS. I really don’t think it is that broken. The choice to have Florida play Ohio State was one of the coaches and other pollsters – and they would have been the ones consulted if the BCS didn’t exist. The experts say the BCS only works when there are two undefeated teams remaining in the country. That’s not “working.” That’s being “right by default.” But it does a good job of muting human perception by adding a statistical element. To sum it up, once we get rid of human thought and replace it with robots or very smart aliens, college football will be a better place to live.

(Don’t blame me, I voted for Kodos.)

As this was the first weekend in the last 14 without any D-One college football on Saturday, people turn their attention briefly to the Heisman Trophy presentation. And as few doubted, the quarterback of the best team in the country won. It had all the suspense of an Ashley Judd romantic comedy. But now we can return to the Bowl Game Schedule (BGS), where there is much football to be had and much mocking to be made.

Take the Meineke Car Care Bowl. Please.

The general trend of the BGS is that as the days through December progress, the Bowl games become more and more prestigious. The Bowls you’ve probably heard of - such as the Rose, Orange, Sugar, and Fiesta – are the elite games that matches up truly the best teams on the country. These games occur either on New Year’s Day or later, to maximize viewing audience, and to reward the players of the best teams by letting them go home for Christmas. Underachieving teams spend Christmas far from home as punishment for their letdown. Middle Tennessee State? Enjoy Detroit – you’ll be there the day after Christmas for the Motor City Bowl.

In recent years, dotcoms have thought Bowl sponsorship would be an effective way to get their name into the public’s ear. Instead, it has only done so well to associate their names with games that will feature a mid-major champion (the likes of Nevada) vs. a conference power that had a crummy season (perhaps Miami?) and make them play in the name of e-commerce in a place no one wants to visit (Boise, Idaho sound good?) (By the way, all of the above within parentheses is reality. It’s the MPC Computers Bowl, and it’s faaaaan-tastic.) The Bowl game graveyard includes a sponsorship deal with Galleryfurniture.com, who boasts a webpage with all the web-savvy of a high school computer design class. (Microsoft Frontpage, wethinks.) And this year’s entry – the PapaJohns.com Bowl, between South Florida and East Carolina. (Never mind that Papa John’s actual name has an apostrophe – the Bowl game must be emphasizing plurality.)

But the biggest travesty of all? (No, not the San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl. We here at YAB love the old’ SDCCUPB) In the midst of major 2007 match-ups, there are two imposters in our midst.

Don’t believe me? Let’s review the last round of Bowl Games shall we? On New Year’s Day, you’ve got major programs like Tennessee and Penn State in the Outback, Auburn and Nebraska in the Cotton, the Capitol One Bowl features Wisconsin and Arkansas, and G-Tech and West Virginia in the Gator. These are called second-tier games, where the 2nd or 3rd best team in major conferences play in sunny locales for major money. Face it – it’s the Golden Globes of college football. Then, as mentioned, the BCS games kick off later in the day. Conference champions like Oklahoma and USC take on other teams with street cred like Michigan and Boise State. The next two days will also feature major, major games.

And then?

Imagine your watching an AFI countdown of something that you know a great deal about – let’s say it’s their new special, 100 Years…100 Montages. After two long hours, it’s the Top Five. You’re waiting for Number 1 (no doubt the training sequence from Rocky), but you have no idea what’s left to fill out the top 3? Karate Kid was already shown, the frat house restoration of Revenge of the Nerds was in the Top 10, and hell, even the Julia Roberts Pretty Woman beautification just aired. What the hell could be left?

January 6: International Bowl – Cincinnati vs. Western Michigan
January 7: GMAC Bowl – Southern Miss vs. U. of Ohio

Oh.