On Location: The Wedding Reifmotsinger

Anytime you ask my old roommates and me to wear tuxedoes on the weekend, you know that some hilarity will ensue. After spending my Saturday serving as an official witness to the newly christened Mr. and Mrs. David Reif, I realized that the best part of weddings are the stories that you can treasure for years to come. Now Dave, the guy WM ResLife thought I’d be able to share clothes with back in ’98, doesn’t have the best memory, (he once left his brother Peter in his dorm closet for 5 consecutive months), so I thought I’d give him one more wedding gift. Candlesticks, you might suggest? Nay. The following is a re-cap of his truly blessed matrimonial event. I give you YAB’s On Location: The Wedding Reifmotsinger.

(now, in bullet form!)

• As a means to relax the Groom, the Groomsmen decided to take the Groom on a leisurely walk around campus. According to Nordberg, one of UNC-Chapel Hill’s most famed landmark is something known as “The Well.” From name alone, this seems like a place where freshmen and star-crossed coeds can wish for good grades and love. You know, throw some of your parents’ money in the deep chasm of water, and take the easy road to success. Surprisingly, Nordberg sits on a throne of lies. The Well? It’s a frickin’ water fountain in a stone gazebo. I love Complete Opposite Day.
• Following the walk, we played some Frisbee on a quad-like area not far from “The Well.” On a football day like Saturday, not many Tar Heels spend their day relaxing in the grass catching up on their P-Chem text reading. In a vast expanse of green, in fact, only one girl chose this to be her Saturday morning activity. And somehow, in the expansive green acres, we nearly hit her nine times.
• Weddings are held later in the day for three main reasons. 1) So wedding guests do not have to get up at the crack of dawn to arrive, 2) So that the bridesmaids can spend 6-8 hours getting ready with hair, make-up, and dresses, and 3) So the groomsmen can get in 6 games of Madden football on Playstation 2.
• If you are planning on having a wedding soon with more than 100 people in attendance, ask plenty of your buddies to be groomsmen. We worked on a 4-man rotation to usher everyone to their seats, and it was like running laps back in high school track. Forget the champagne toast; can we have Gatorade instead? (In return, we promise not to sweat orange on our tuxedos.)
• When you’re a Groomsmen and not the Groom, taking wedding photography is WAY easier. Dave and Alison’s photographer was British, which somehow made him seem 41% more qualified to do his job. By the mere nature that you’re donning a tuxedo, you feel compelled to put on one of those “knowingly-vacant” stares into the distance. With our attire, you can also add an element of “I’m quietly content that Dave didn’t pick magenta vests.” Thanks, Dave.
• A standard reception staple in the entrance/announcement of the wedding party. Typically, it’s a walk, stop, smile, continue walking procedure. However, the emcee mentioned the word “pose.” Uh oh. Nordberg and Meg opened the show with a Marilyn-Heisman duo, and then while I did not see Dan and Carol, Spud did what he does best and spun and dipped Jessica. Farid and Zoe, whose great idea this was in the first place, did not disappoint, and then that leaves Condon. Fortunately, Amy was quick on her feet to come up with a minor dance move that we could pull of in a no-huddle offense. You don’t want to end it like the Phillies bullpen is right now. (Apologies for mixing sports analogies.)
• Later on in the wedding, Dave was wearing Alison’s veil as if it were a cape. Verdict: Massively dorky. However, there was an occurrence earlier when Alison’s 90-year old grandfather was dancing whilst wearing said veil. Verdict: Adorable. That’s the advantage old people have; anything they can do will come off adorable. Imagine an old man hobbling into a bank and robbing it – wouldn’t that be the absolute cutest thing on the evening news? Hell, yes.