Reading: It's Delicious.

Unless it involves a young British wizard attempting to defend the world from He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, I can’t say I have a ton of time to read these days. It’s not that I don’t want to; I just can’t find the time to read anything that I can’t see on the computer screen before me. Books are too long for a 24-hour day; and after picking up a baby first thing in the morning, they’re too heavy as well. But blogging is just the farthest branch out of the family tree of literature, and we would be doing a disservice to our roots if we did not recognize the great works that have been gazed upon prior to our existence. Keeping in mind our refusal to exceed a page count of say, 11 pages, we make efforts to reconnect with English teachers past and present the first ever YAB Book Report.

Today’s selection: Pat the Bunny.

Now I know this may be an unusual selection to anyone well-versed in the classics, and you may claim that you have never read Pat the Bunny, but I assure you that at some point in the waking moments of your life, this literary beacon was read to you. Now I know it’s been awhile since you last pulled it from your shelves, so we promise to go page-by-page. Enjoy.

Page 1: “Here are Paul and Judy. They can do lots of things. You can do lots of things too.” Critique: Paul and Judy’s parents are enrolling them in every program they can think of so that they can go to an Ivy League school.

Page 2: “Judy can pat the bunny. Now YOU pat the bunny.” Oh dear Lord, the title of this book is not only the name of said rabbit, it’s a COMMAND! I think Golden Book Publishing just blew my mind. As for the bunny itself, this page actually contains a bunny-shaped patch of fur. And I’ve got to admit, if I put my head on it, I just might fall asleep.

Page 3: “Judy can play peek-a-boo with Paul. Now YOU play peek-a-boo with Paul.” Ok, let me set the scene. In both sides of this page, Paul is holding a blue blanket up to his face. On the left, Judy is the one lifting the blanket in order to see her brother. On the right, there’s a blue swatch of felt encouraging you to do the same. Moral of the story: Paul is lazy.

Page 4: “Paul can smell the flowers. Now YOU smell the flowers.” You know, I’m starting to think this book is getting rather pushy, don’t you?

Page 5: “Judy can look in the mirror. Now YOU look in the mirror.” The funniest thing is how Judy looks in the mirror. She has placed it on the floor and is crouching over it, mere inches from her own reflection. How unorthodox a method is this? Poor Judy. She’s going to see her first pond in a few months and just assume that the only place she can see herself is by looking down. And damn, that’s going to affect self-esteem.

Page 6: ‘Judy can feel Daddy’s scratchy face. Now YOU feel Daddy’s scratchy face.” Ok, this is a little creepy. The Daddy in the book has my haircut. But cut me a break, Golden Books. It’s late, and I haven’t shaved since this morning. You are trying to hold fathers everywhere to an unattainable standard: Nordstubble.

Pages 7-9: More of the same. Pushy children demanding you mimic their every move. Well you know what, Paul and Judy? Clara’s decided to one-up you punks. She’s added one more step to the great epic that is Pat the Bunny. How do I know? There’s a large chunk of book missing from the upper left-hand corner.

Page 10: Chew the Bunny, kids. Chew the Bunny.