I'm in the Gift Shop! Give Me My Gift!

This weekend I am going to the wedding of my freshman roommate, Dave. Dave and I were randomly assigned to one another for our stay in Monroe Hall in the ’98-’99 school year. The means by which Residence Housing determines these dormitory pairings is via a simple form that they request every new student to fill out. This form is supposed to create a limited roommate profile – major attributes that you do (or do not) have. Poor Dave. After comparing our entries, it’s likely that he got stuck with me because for music, I put “Country.” (My reasoning was sound; I doubt a guy who listens to Alan Jackson in his free time would steal my electronics or eat my food.) Dave put “No preference.”

Yeah, that’ll teach you to be indifferent.

Just over nine years later, Dave is getting married. I wish I can say I had a hand in the coming together of he and Alison, but it’s a stretch. He knows how to dance like Nelly, deadpan jokes like Kevin Nealon, rehab like a Sherpa, and as my mom pointed out after my first-ever phone call with my new roommate, he can’t share my clothes. And what’s more, his fiancée refers to the other Chris as “The One Who Likes to Dance.” Chris Nordberg? Really?

I don’t even know who you are anymore.

But aside from my paragraphic animosity towards the groom-to-be, I am still planning to head down to the Tar Heel State to watch him say some flowery language in a fancy penguin suit. My only concern is that when the groomsmen are lined up along side Dr. Reif, I am standing in closer proximity to him than Nordberg. Nordberg freakin’ hates when he can’t see the movie.

However, I must be careful of taunting the Mighty Scandinavian One too much; he will be my roommate for the weekend in the luxurious accommodations that is the Carolina Inn. Now it’s not often I am able to stay in lodging of this magnitude (business trips make you check your swank at the departure gate), so I need to make sure to live it up to the fullest and take advantage of EVERY AMENITY they have to offer. Some of my ideas are listed below.

• “Valet Parking (6:00-Midnight)” – Valet parking is only acceptable in the following situations: you are wearing black-tie level clothes, it’s blistering cold out, the parking garage is on fire, you are in a desperate hurry, you’re trying to impress a girl, or you want to play a prank on the valet guy. Need an example? Ok, fine. Set up your laptop at home, grab your acoustic guitar, and record a strumtastic original song titled, “This Valet Guy Steals Your Loose Change and Is Legally Drunk.” Crank the volume, and hand your keys to the nice gentleman in the white gloves.
• “Complimentary wired and wireless internet access in all guest rooms” – This will probably come in handy for a guy who has two fantasy teams, runs a football pool with disdain for a major sportswriter, and is a write on three blogs, don’t you think?
• “Complimentary Wi-Fi internet access in public areas” – For people who can’t make it to their rooms. It’s the dork equivalent of putting public restrooms in the lobby.
• “Hotel fax and copying services” – Never buy a hotel before getting a Hotelfax report. You never know what goes on in those places.
• Dry Cleaning Services (Mon-Fri) – Translation: Don’t eat anything with mustard on the weekend. You’re going to regret it.
• 169 guestrooms with…an abundant supply of jumbo pillows.” Sweet Mercy, we may not make the ceremony. We’ve got a fort to build.