Me? It was the One-Horned Man!

(First off – it looks like Niagara has rightfully won the opportunity to get waxed by Kansas in the first round of tomorrow’s March Madness tournament. Good for them. In other news, be sure to scroll down a few posts for details on how to get into the second annual YAB = You’re a Bracket tourney. One more entry, and that’s a guaranteed prize for the winner.)

So…that’s the story you’re sticking to?

I suppose if we actually paid our YABNews team, we’d report on far more interesting things that may actually affect global politics, business, or at the very least, the weather. But no, for the second time, we’re tracking alcohol-induced vehicular tomfoolery in the Great Northwest. (That’s a tag waiting to happen.)

To Montana, news team!

Last week in Billings, a truck driver found himself talking to the fuzz after realizing he could drive his truck no further. The reason? The front of the truck had been firmly lodged into a light post. Now maybe it was the five prior drunk driving convictions talking, but the police were a little overly quick to assume that Jack Daniels was riding shotgun with Mr. Phillip Holliday. I mean seriously, maybe the guy just has an intense distaste for light posts.

But no, we’re both wrong.

Hell, it wasn’t even Holliday behind the wheel! You can’t convict a man that wasn’t in the driver’s seat! What kind of country do we live in that just assumes that the man getting out of the driver’s side door immediately following a lamp-to-truck collision was the helmsman? Just ask Holliday – it wasn’t him.

A unicorn was driving.

Now why are we all so quick to assume this man isn’t telling the truth? OF COURSE you’re not going to see a unicorn get out of the car – they’re imaginary. And if any of you had an imaginary friend as a kid, you sure as hell know they’re invisible creatures. Have YOU ever seen a unicorn at the scene of a crime? Of course you haven’t. They’re too good at the hit-and-run. It’s a well-known fact that unicorns are terrible drivers – I would hide when the police came to investigate – most likely by means of vanishing, too. Back to invisibility until the next time they can bow their head down towards your kitchen counter and hook your key ring on their completely practical horn. Bunch of skeptics.

The bail has been set at $100k.

Now we’re not accusing Holliday of being a genius, either. If he indeed has a unicorn hiding in thin air, maybe he should get from here-to-there, I don’t know, ON THE BACK of the unicorn??? Rumor has it those suckers can fly.

As a postscript, we’d be remised if we weren’t serving an educational purpose here at YAB. Therefore…

Top Five Animals You Should Let Be Your Designated Driver.

1. Monkeys – The closest to the human race genetically. There’s just something about having opposable thumbs that allows one to grip the wheel and not just slap it in frustration.
2. Bears – Bears spend so much time in commercials breaking into mini-vans and eating innocent campers’ swag that I’ve got to assume one of these days they’re going to save their claws and drive that Honda Odyssey to the local Wegman’s.
3. Cats – Okay. Actually just one, and his name was Toonces. Wait a minute? What am I saying? Didn’t most of those sketches end with that stupid feline driving off a cliff? Oh well. He must have gotten his license at some point, so he’s in.
4. Centaurs – Exhibit the same vanishing power that unicorns do, only with a man torso – actually has hands to steer the car and adjust the A/C. And really, one doesn’t need toes to push the gas and brake – a sturdy hoof will do just fine.
5. Kangaroos – A little lead-footed, but comes with own cupholder.
   

999. Groundhogs – They drive angry.