(Several) Pennies from Heaven

Your team wins the Super Bowl, and you assume you have the run of His Kingdom.

Look, I was a college student once. I know what it’s like to have to work hard for a little spending money on the weekends. I worked at the Dean of Students Office, where the most mentally stimulating thing I got to do was to look through all you student application files (little known fact: Nordberg was a baton twirler in high school) But hey, I made minimum wage, and that paid for pizza on the weekends. What Kevin Russell of Hobart, Indiana did? Well that’s just wrong.

For those too lazy to click through this link, this 21-year old tried to cash a check in the amount of $50,000 at his local bank. And if that’s not suspect enough for you, it turns out that the One who was paying to the order of Kevin Russell was none other than God.

Yep, the old King Savior, King of Kings, Lord of Lords, Servant. And that’s not me just throwing accolades the Almighty’s way. That’s the way God apparently signs his checks. Now Kevin Russell is in jail for check fraud as well as intimidation (I guess faulty funds transfers involving omnipotent deities will get you that charge.)

I’ve heard of televangelists getting rich in the name of the Lord, but college students? That’s a new one. So while Russell awaits a court date, we here at the YABNews desk spent all night praying, and out prayers have been answered. God, thanks for granting us this interview.

God: Not a problem, My child.
Chris: So God, let’s get the facts straight. This WAS a fraudulent check, right?
God: Of course it was. I’ve been known to reward ingenuity in the past – Michaelangelo did such a nice job painting that ceiling that I made sure someone in the future named a Ninja Turtle after him – but monetary payouts? That’s not exactly my style.
Chris: So you’re saying you don’t have a checkbook?
God: Well, of course I have a checkbook. Someone’s got to pay the Sun so it doesn’t cut off our power. But there’s two ways to know if a check from Me is authentic.
Chris: Oh yeah? Do tell.
God: First off, there’s no way I have a savings account at the Chase Bank in Hobart. All of my accounts are kept safely at First Bank of St. Matthew. Once my tax collecting apostle came to Heaven, I had to give him something to do rather than insist to the other guests that they owe tax. For the record, there are no taxes in heaven.
Chris: So what happens on April 15th up there?
God: We have a barbeque luau. Last year we got Mozart to headline.
Chris: And the second check of authenticity?
God: My checks are HUGE. I get them from the same place the Publisher’s Clearing House gets theirs. It’s way more fun that way.
Chris: Of course. I should have known. So Lord, I’m in the market to buy some real estate. Do you have any advice for me?
God: Let me read you a passage from My Biography. (summons his Bible) In Timothy 6, it reads “Surely then, as far as physical things are concerned, it is sufficient for us to keep our bodies fed and clothed.” I say that shelter goes along with that. And while I love all my children, it should be noted that I find apartment complex landlords often use free will to stick it to good, hard-working people. This displeases me.
Chris: That’s what I figured. So what becomes of Kevin Russell, the man who thought he could swindle you out of a cool half mil?
God: There is an old Proverb (28:20 to be exact) that says, “The faithful man will be richly blessed, but one eager to get rich will not go unpunished.”
Chris: Sounds like a dagger to me, Kev.