I'm No Superman, Part 3

The following events and dialogue transpired in the evening of Tuesday, February 13, 2007. Because of the looming ice storm, the regularly scheduled employees of INOVA Fair Oaks Hospital were unable to make it in. The cast of Scrubs filled in for the delivery, but as their shift came to an end, their replacements filed in. Who? The cast of ER. Of course.

(The nurse leaves the room, leaving Chris, Katie, and Clara alone for the first time.)
Chris: I was reading in the hallway that right about this time we get new nurses and doctors assigned to us for the night shift. I wonder what they’ll be like.
Katie: Well, I hope they’re helpful. We have a lot of questions if this little one doesn’t fall asleep.
(door opens)
Dr. Ross: Hi, there. I’m Dr. Doug Ross. And this is our newest medical student, John Carter. We’ll be the attending physicians for the evening.
Katie: Wow, very nice to meet you.
Dr. Ross: Hey, don’t mention it. I wanted to let you know about some of the electronic gadgets that are part of your bed. The other docs say it’s my specialty because I like to tinker with these things. I just tell them I’m Batman.
Chris: Excuse me?
Dr. Ross: Well, this button makes the bed go up and down, and that one calls the nurse. We have many good nurses here at CGH. One of them looks like Andie McDowell.
Katie: What are you talking about?
Dr. Ross: Well, that’s it for me. I think it’s about time for my shift to end. It was nice meeting you folks.
(they exit)
Chris: Wasn’t he on call for like 4 minutes?

(door opens again)
Dr. Green: Hi there, I’m Dr. Green – I’ll be taking over for my colleague, Dr. Ross. He had to go – something about being the sexiest man alive. This is our newest medical student, John Carter.
Katie: We’ve met.
Dr. Green: Great. Well, I wanted to let you know that your baby is doing great. She’s a good height and good weight, but don’t let her get too tall – they may not let her become a hotshot Navy fighter pilot.
Chris: Huh?
Dr. Green: Okay, don’t take my advice. Look, I graduated at the top of my class and was the President of my fraternity back in the day. (sighs) Ok, I want you to take this Motrin in two hours, and again when you wake up in the morning – it will help with the recovery process. Ok, I’m out. Someone’s playing “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” in the hallway on a ukulele – that song kills me everytime. Nice meeting you.
(they exit)

(Door opens again)
Dr. Benton: Hi, I’m Dr. Benton and this is John Carter, our-
Katie: Newest medical student?
Dr. Benton: Yeah, he’s just hanging around waiting for his shot at the big time. Anyways, enough about him. I’m annoyed and arrogant, and I think as my patient, you should know that. I’m a trauma surgeon, and a damn good one. I really don’t know anything about birthing babies, but they sent me in here to give you some happy face time so your insurance company stops complaining. Look, I’m sorry I’m a little ticked, but I just came from the courthouse, and it turns our my son isn’t really my son. But hey, good luck with your daughter. I quit.
Chris: But your shift’s not over…
Dr. Benton: Bwah!
(they exit)

(over the next three hours, the Condons try and get some sleep. Over the course of he night, a blonde doctor, another woman with a crutch, a guy with a prosthetic arm, and a final woman with a fetching British accent all come to check in, but ultimately inexplicably leave before their shift is over.)

(morning comes, and the door opens)
Dr. Carter: Hi, we met last night. I’m Dr. Carter.
Chris: I thought you were a med student!
Dr. Carter: So did I, but time flies in this place. Everything seems so urgent around here – gunshots, helicopter crashes, virus outbreaks, inter-staff relationships – I mean, wow. You deal with that stuff, you get promoted quickly.
Katie: Well, congratulations are in order then?
Dr. Carter: Thanks! Anyways, your baby is wonderful and healthy. Keep feeding her at about 3 hour intervals. If you have any questions, the nurses’ desk is here at all times, even if the doctors keep leaving early. If you need me, call for me. But call loudly. I’m thinking of going to Africa on my lunch break. If I’m out, you can always page Uncle Jesse.