International Stereotype Theatre

The following events may or may not have transpired late last week between the two military superpowers, Switzerland and Liechtenstein. The source of conflict, as pointed out by Christina Toms, however, is very real and the details can be found here.

(overheard between two Swiss soldiers, marching around midnight)
Hans: Dude, I totally don’t think we’re going the right way. We should have been in St. Gallen an hour ago?
Jakob: Totally. My feet are tired.
Hans: Yeah, mine too. Let’s stop a second. (stops and surveys the area) Hey look, it’s a deli – I could go for a bite. You?
Jakob: Absolutely. Hey, wait! Shshsh! Look at that cheese in the window. Notice anything…odd?
Hans: The complete lack of holes?
Jakob: Exactly. Something’s not right here.

(up above, in the tower of Our Lady of Liechtenstein Church)
Josef: What the? Something’s not right here. Who in the name of Franz Joseph II is that hungry mob? If my calculations are correct, that unruly crew is accounts approximately for 1 out of every 40 people in Liechtenstein. And my mother said I wouldn’t be a mathem- WHOA. They have weapons!!! I better report them. Marco! You need to call the Prince! (Marco is not a co-lookout, but rather, a goat) Damn. It’s times like these I wish we weren’t so hard up on population control. Have to do everything myself.

(at Swiss Military HQ in Zurich)
General Herzog: Hey remember that time when we repelled the Germans in ’45?
Lieutenant Borel: No. But do YOU remember when we airlifted troops to help out against the Soviet Union?
Herzog: Not really. God, why do we even have a military HQ. The biggest aerial attack we have ever launched was when you and I played darts last Tuesday.
Borel: You still owe me chocolate for my win (sees something coming in over the wire). What’s that? The Swiss 1st (and only) Infantry reported missing? Casualties unknown? God, I had no idea.
Herzog: Kind of makes you wish the government had sprung for more than fancy pocketknives for hand-to-hand combat, no?
Borel: God, where could they be?

(at the castle of Liechtenstein’s ruler)
Lowly Page: Your highness, a goat just ran here all the way from, well, across the street. Something’s afoot in the Western Quadrant.
Their Highness: What’s that, Lowly Page?
Page: There’s an angry mob outside Uhlig’s Deli!
Highness: Are they hungry?
Page: Worse. They’re Swiss.
Highness: Neutrality my arse. This is a full scale attack – alert our defenses!!!
Page: All those farmers that own pitchforks??
Highness: Yes. Both of them.

(back in Zurich)
Borel: Look, I feel really bad about beating you in Darts, by the way. I wish there was a way we could have tied or something-
Herzog: Not now! It appears we’ve done something far worse – we’ve invaded Liechtenstein!
Borel: Did you just make up a sovereign state?
Herzog: No! They’re our neighbor – to the east!
Borel: Germany?
Herzog: No, no. Under them?
Borel: Austria?
Herzog: No, in between!
Borel: Really? That’s an independent nation? That area no bigger than Washington DC? Who let that happen?
Herzog: The Treaty of Pressburg in 1806.
Borel: Hmm…we COULD take them, couldn’t we?
Herzog: And ruin our perpetual neutrality? Never! Tell our boys to apologize and to prepare a lovely quiche for the Prince.

Whew. Close one.