Stick this in your Medicine Hat

Well, it's about time. Jim Carrey is an American citizen.

It's really hard to maintain my blanket opinion that Canada=Bad when it does its best to lure me with its exports in the collective world of movies, music, and sports. It's just so easy to pick on our neighbors to the north. If I ever stoop to an ethnic joke, it's normally to mock the canucks. But like I said, all too often I really get behind the cause of promoting somebody out there and then the bottom drops out when I found out they have "O, Canada" on repeat on their IPod.

The way to eliminate this "Oh, snap, you got served" reaction is by having my favorite Canadian musicians and actors come to the land of the free and the home of the brave. Just take the citizenship test already, BNL. You know you want to.

So in preparation for this post, I did a little research on famous Canadians, ya know, to see who we need to bring over to our team. We're like the Yankees; give them enough money, and Canadian patriotism goes the way of William Hung. (btw, it seems that even William Hung can strike out Johnny Damon these days. Wow.) In my cybertravels I came across a page that listed the Top 10 Myths about Canada and Canadians. A well-constructed document, it proclaims the "inaccuracies" that Americans hold as "truth," and then "clarifies" them "using" "rationale" "and" "logic" "."

Mom should never have let me use quotation marks as a kid.

The nice thing about having a website to post these rebuttals on is that there is no forum to refute you on your statements. Well, www.canadians.ca, that's all a changin'. Bring it, eh?

1. Myth: "We live in igloos."
Clarify: "We live in houses, and they are very well built houses."
Condofied: Don't you mean very well built hooses? An igloo has to be well-built. The domed shape structual integrity is sheer brilliance.

2. Myth: "Canadians do not have the same technology as Americans."
Clarify: "Canadians have access to the same technology as Americans and the rest of the civilized world."
Condofied: Ok, then explain why in that Molson commercial the giant bear gives the girl a giant Pez dispenser. That company is based in Orange, Connecticut. Invent your own oversized novelty candy distribution mechanism!

3. Myth: "There is snow everywhere all year long."
Clarify: "Anyone who has spent a summer in Vancouver will strongly disagree with this."
Condofied: Has to be a lie. All of the igloos would melt.

4. Myth: "We don't get the same movies Americans do."
Clarify: " We get the same movies, on the same day, and our censorship is less severe."
Condofied: I just read a review of Friday Night Lights by a Toronto film critic, and he gave it a C-. I saw it, and I loved it. You guys just don't get the same movies we do.

5. Myth: "Canada does not have a film industry."
Clarify: "We have a thriving industry, and many major studio pictures are filmed here."
Condofied:Yeah, we have Vancouver to thank for Air Bud and Catwoman. Thanks!

6. Myth: "Canadians all say "eh" and "aboot."
Clarifiy: Sure, some of us, do, but Canada is a big country with many different people who speak many different languages."
Condofied: Good point. What's the French word for "aboot?"

7. Myth: "Everyone is Quebec speaks French."
Clarify: "There is also a large number of Anglophones and Allophones."
Condofied: No matter who their cellular provider is, people in Quebec speak French!

8. Myth: "Canadians have less than Americans."
Clarify: "Canadians have just as many, if not more."
Condofied: Guns don't kill Canadian Stanley Cup dreams. The Calgary Flames kill Canadian Stanley Cup dreams.

9. Myth: "Canada's national sport is hockey."
Clarify: "Our national sport is lacrosse."
Condofied: Hockey is the best thing about Canada, and almost makes me forget about Celine Dion. Why do guys go with lacrosse? That's like having a U2 rock concert and promoting UB40 as the headliner.

10. Myth: "Canadian policemen are all mounties dressed in red uniforms.
Clarify: "Our cops are the same as American cops."
Condofied: "Yes, but on horses and in red uniforms. I saw Dudley Do-right.

USA! USA!