7 Deadly Office Sins

This past week has given rise to the next Pope of the Roman Catholic Church: Benedict XVI. Once known as Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, the new Pope has much to do to prepare for the ascension to his new office. Sure, the change in name was an easy one, and the Vatican tailors worked awfully quick to produce his new amazing Technicolor vestments, but promotions are never as clean cut as they seem.

Yes, aside from upholding Holy Law, celebrating Masses, and unifying the Church, Benedict XVI will be busy moving. Switching offices can be a pain in the neck. I’ve been in my new cubicle (newbicle?) for two weeks, and I still haven’t found what box I packed my three hold punch or the cost reports for FY05 in. I’m sure there are moving companies in Rome that can be hired, but it sure helps to personally oversee any relocation. Otherwise, office furniture could be arranged in a way that will just force you to move it on your own later. “I told you moving lackeys that I wanted the recliner by the balcony. I want to enjoy my waterfront view of the Holy See.” And don’t forget about that pesky phone transfer. You don’t want that direct line to God to accidentally get routed to the mailroom, would you? We don’t need Chip the Mail Guy bugging God about the Vatican vending machine being empty again.

So while Benedict XVI gets settled, You’re a Blog is more than happy to lend some time and webspace to the Pontiff’s cause. With all the administrative details the Pope will be busy with, there is little time to remind the world of the line that divides right and wrong. Allow Condon to step in. In today’s workplace, etiquette atrocities happen every day. It’s flat out sinful how people day in and day out get away with these acts of pure annoyance. Are they hell-worthy trespasses? No. Does someone need to smack them upside the head for them? Oh Yes.

I now present the 7 Deadly Office Sins.

1. Reprographic Sloth – Every now and then, technology will fail in the workplace. The number one offender throwing a stick in the spokes of productivity is the copy machine. It’s rarely anyone’s direct fault that the Xerox machine is jammed worse than the Beltway in rush hour, but someone pressed the button to send it to this level of disrepair. Breaking the copier is not a sin. Walking away from it without unjamming it is. This is not a victimless crime, so don’t act like it is.
2. Stapler Lust – When you’re in a rush to deliver some deliverables, time is of the essence. Returning to your desk after getting your copy off the printer just to staple the final document may seem like a complete waste of time. It is okay to pick up a stapler off of a desk in transit to apply that binding. It is a sin to take that stapler with you. Above all office supplies, it seems that people in the office are most often complaining about their wayward stapler, reasons for disappearance unknown. Don’t be that reason.
3. Burnt Gluttony – Most office settings provide a kitchen for employees to use to prepare any snacks or meals they may need during the day. Aside from the standard sink ‘n fridge, food heating apparatus may include a toaster and/or microwave. It is not wrong to use these appliances. It is VERY wrong to allow heat-able foods, like toast or popcorn, to burn. While you ran back to your desk to check your e-mail, everyone else gets to enjoy the smell of smoldering bread. Not a wise decision.
4. Free-Ranging Envy – Sometimes a sin is committed by putting another in a position to sin by your actions. I give you this crime. Free-ranging, which is a term I just made up, is defined as a “social conversation or interaction being held in an open area between two or more people.” Now let me clarify: I am all for a social, happy workplace. I am not for free-ranging taking place directly in front of my cubicle opening. It’s a distraction, and it needs to be stopped. Why? Because I’m envious that I can’t be doing the same thing. I’ve got work to do, people.
5. Telecom Greed – Not only can one be wanting of many possessions, they can also be wanting of more office territory. People are always jockeying for position to get a bigger office, extra guest chair, or more window space. Well, regardless of where the cubicle walls sit, everyone shares the same air. And since audio waves pass through the air, one must be mindful of thy neighbor. Which brings me to this conclusion: It is a sin to check your voice mail using speakerphone. Don’t do it, or I’ll start taking down numbers and returning calls on your behalf.
6. Cinematic Pride – I am the first one to admit that a lot can be learned about a person based on their favorite movies. These preferences are completely healthy. I would even go so far to apply them to relevant life situations. Talk about Field of Dreams when you’re at a ballgame. Bring up Almost Famous at a rock concert. Do NOT bring up Office Space at work. It’s a funny movie, and it’s very good. But no matter what reference you make to it while at work, your work situation will never, EVER be as funny as the movie. Everyone can relate to the movie, but no one can expect me to believe that the predicament we are in here at work is as original and interesting as the flick. (Especially Lundberg quotes.)
7. Stalled Anger – This may or may not pertain only to the guys in the office. (I’ve never been in a ladies restroom, so I wouldn’t know.) When a guy is in the bathroom, it is okay to converse with another gentleman only in the following instances: a) passing him in the doorway and b) washing/drying hands at the same time. Any communication in the vicinity of any toilet or urinal is strictly prohibited. (This is also a plank of The Man Code, but it’s never hurt anyone to mention it in other places.)