Space for Rent

Well, not exactly. Renting out the blog would imply that for a small price, you can publish whatever you like on the YAB e-printing press. While the cash inflow would be nice, it’s not happening anytime in the near future. But, if you have a topic or idea you would like to see me tackle (or at the very minimum, mock), send your requests to condon@gwu.edu. And I will add it to the post-it note o’ stuff.

Over this past weekend, I returned to an activity that I try to engage in once one or two years. (If anyone dares to make a NHL playoffs joke here, why I’ll, uh, ya know, do nothing while sounding menacing…) No no, it’s time to look for an apartment. Ok, maybe that needs a rephrase. Looking for an apartment is actually very, very easy. “Look, an apartment! There’s one over there, too! They’re everywhere!” I guess the previously unreleased modifier was “to rent.” It’s time to look for an apartment to rent. Much better.

In the Washington DC metropolitan area, you have three options for housing. First, you can purchase a place, and promise the nice lending company that they can have your first-born, your second-born, home-cooked meals, their laundry done for them, unlimited Playstation 2 use, any of your unused cell phone minutes, and the remote control whenever they want to change the channel. Seems a little steep for a place that you can nail anything you want into your own walls.

Second, you can rent a place. Sure, you get no equity, but you afford to keep your future children, eat out, clean only your dirty clothes, play MVP Baseball uninterrupted, call anyone you want with rollover, and flip between tonight’s Sixers game and Seinfeld reruns as you please.

Third, you can sleep in your office. Plenty of cabinets for storage, but little else. Already wired for utilities. Low rent. However, the fiancé will have to sleep in the guest chair, and from looking at it, it’s not the latest in sleep technology.

In a lesser of three evils, it looks like it’s time to hit the pavement once again on the Rental Route. So Sunday Katie and I went looking for what will be our first place together. We had done our homework (Thanks, Internet.) about potential places to visit that day, and set out right before lunchtime. The following are some thoughts to keep in mind if you, too, someday set out on such an adventure.

First thing you do upon arriving at a potential apartment complex is drive around the property. It’s always good to check out the general upkeep and local clientele. Nicely cut grass and pruned hedges are a good sign. A guy hunched over on the sidewalk holding his aching head after a hard night of drinking is not. Check out the cars while taking your loop around the complex. BMWs and Lexii mean this place is too rich for your blood. Rusted out Maximas and Dodge Darts mean you can afford it, if you miss frat parties upstairs and weekend benders across the hallway (For further reference, consult the Hunched Over Guy.)

Next thing to do is to go into the leasing office. Even if you think you won’t need them much, their level of professionalism will play a major role in your residency. Take my current leasing office. Please. Anyway, the leasing office is likely going to be the nicest facility on the whole lot. If there’s any chance that there’s going to be nice aesthetic touches to your apartment, there better be a lavish design scheme inside said office. We’re talking solid oak doors, giant columns, and couches and chairs that make Shaq Diesel look merely Shaq Unleaded. An extravagant leasing office is crucial if you are hoping for better things to come.

When first discussing the interest you may have in rent an apartment from this particular complex, take note of other passers-by in the leasing office. More times than not, these are current residents, and they can tell a lot about what it’s like to live there. So take heed when Fratty McFratterson comes in complaining about having ants on the fourth floor. Fourth floor? What are these, Super Airborne-Ready Ants? Next.

The rest of a typical rental visit will consist of you getting a walk-through of a model apartment, the exchange of contact information, and lots of dead air. UNLESS… you ask questions. If you plan on making an informed decision about your future quarters, you’re going to want to find out just what exactly you’ll get in exchange for a monthly check.

“What utilities are included?” “Do you have a towing company that steals your car in the dead of night?” “How do you feel about repelling down the side of the building in times of crisis?” “Does the complex have a pool?” “Does the complex have a pool table?” “Is the pool table in the pool?” “Is it true that I can rent a dog for 45 dollars per month?” “Why did you pick Aztec as a theme for the model?” “Isn’t any closet a walk-in closet as long as you step inside?” “Which do you think would look better in this kitchen, a toaster or a toaster oven?” “Why don’t the first floor units have skylights?”

“Where do I sign?”