All Hail the Farmer Clown

It’s weird. From what you read of la vida Condoca, one may get the impression that I live and die under the direction of the Golden Arches. So what if I needed to break this story on a slow news day? Is it that big a deal if I wanted to evaluate their new credit payment system? Fact of the matter is, even if I do not eat there that often, Sir Ronald is as omnipresent as Ashton Kutcher in the movies these days. So, it’s time once again to dip into the McDonalds topic bag once again. I’d talk about rival restaurants from time to time if I could, but McD’s has one tough press secretary. And face it, that Grimace is just plain mean.

And once again we discuss McDonalds for everything they are but the food. The reason for writing today is to inform the loyal readers of YAB (I really need a better name for you all) is that McDonalds has decided to join us in this century. Last century, they were known for greasy, high caloric, documentary inducing cuisine. This century, they’ve become the kid with all the cool toys on the block. Gadgets and gizmos are apparently are going to bring them market share. So while Burger King is busy freaking Rob out and Wendy’s is in the back room beating that Number 1 Fan guy into submission, McDonalds is hoarding all of those wonderful toys.

Let me explain.

On two recent trips to this franchise of note, I have seen a different side of McDonalds. Not the side with the Happy Meal toys that 2 year olds will choke on and then know better once they hit 3. Not the side that thought the Arch Deluxe was the wave of the future. Not even the side that have the placemats with the way-too-easy word finds and connect the dots. (I rock those every time.). This is the side that likes to make money in new, cool, savvy ways. McWays.

Scenario 1 – After a long day of apartment hunting Sunday, I decided that defrosting pork chops didn’t have the same allure as say, driving to a local dining establishment known for velocity of service. So that’s precisely what I did. Knowing that that Fox’s Animation Domination lineup was fast approaching, the Prodigal Roommate and I headed to the car and we Randomly Ran.

On Gallows Road is our local McDonalds. If you asked of its location a mere week ago, I could not give you the same answer. You see, we had a McDonalds on that very spot up until November of 2004. Katie drives by it on the way home and can usually verify for me its existence. However, it all changed in a day, when she reported in that Clowntown had been reduced to rubble. “A New McD’s is Coming!”, so said the sign. And as of this past week, that sign finally found its prophecy fulfilled.

The new McDonalds has glammed it up on the inside. More seating, nicer flooring, better soda fountain station. All of these can be expected when a franchise is redone and renovated. But can one honestly expect what we saw in the corner of the restaurant? But of course! A luxury leather couch, flanked by equally luxurious and equally leather armchairs. Man, eating fast food in such quarters sure would be nice, but whatever would you do if conversation got as stale as the fries? Oh, that’s easy. PLASMA. TELEVISION. (I bet Philo Farnsworth never imagined this scenario.) Pimp my Fries.

Scenario 2 – Onto the money making technological advance. I stayed home this morning to study for a couple of pesky exams that will enter my life this evening. The curse of coming in around lunch time is that it’s a guarantee that your co-workers will take complete advantage of the situation. “Dude, since you’re in your car, could you pick up food on your way in? Sweet.” The venue du jour – of course, McDonalds.

Now, picking up lunch anywhere in Tyson’s Corner is somewhere on my list below root canal and watching a Mama’s Family marathon. So, I dreaded ordering four meals worth of food at a drive-thru window. If I was lucky, I may be at work by 3:30. But then I saw McDonalds leave the on deck circle and step up to the place.

As I pull onto the back of the 10 car waiting line, a gentleman comes to my car window with a clipboard and a smile. “What would you like today?” he says. “You mean to eat?” I reply. He says yes and takes my order (all four of them) on a clipboard. I’m still ten yards from the menu board. He calls them in on his head set. I drive around the menu board curve and before I get anywhere close to a window, another person comes to my window. She takes my credit card and walks it to the window some three cars ahead. Runs the card, comes back with both it and a recent. I continue driving up to the food window, where there’s a guy outside the window reaching in and obtaining my order. He hands it to me and sends me on my way. Total length of drive-thru experience: 3 minutes. Amazing.

I’m so in awe I drive right by the shelf on my left with assorted condiment bins. Wow.