Matrimonial Brass

Well, it’s time for another wedding planning update, I suppose. It’s a little over four months away, and despite my eerily strong working knowledge of Muppolitical theory, Katie’s still all in. (Even though I think she’s conceded there’s no real baby cheetah in our future. Note: stuffed baby cheetahs make acceptable substitutes.)

*Advice for future brides and future grooms - If you need to plan a wedding, and do not know where to begin, I would consult the climactic scene of Muppets take Manhattan, for the show-stopping musical number, “Somebody’s Getting Married.” Kermit and friends practically spell out what you need to get in order to pull the big day off.*

Ok, back to this regularly scheduled blog. Music is very important to us in our lives, and therefore, it will play a large part of the events that shall transpire in August. Music for the reception has been in place for months. We’ve also gotten the church’s organist to agree to play for the ceremony. But something’s missing. Music is too integral to our meeting to be limited to standard church instrumentation. We need something, someone more.

A Trumpet Player.Of course! Aside from the string quartet, a bugle boy may be the most elegant and popular secondary choice from some supplemental music. Katie’s for one, I’m for one, so it seems like a done deal. Put an ad in the paper, we need ourselves a trumpet player! Ok, now all we have to do is kick back and wait for the applications to start rolling in…

Yep, any time now, we’ll just see that line of prospective musicians lining up outside our door, practicing scales and cleaning their valves. Just a few more days…I’m sure they’re running late…or maybe it’s traffic…

Pin drop.

Ok, so it seems that Northern Virginia has very few independent musicians for hire. The skyrocketing cost of real estate has forced them all to become victims of steadt income withdrawal. Grand. Well, at least we have one great lead on a trumpet player, and from the samples he’s provided us, he’s quite good. It’s a relief to know that there’s someone out there who can get the job done.

But I’ve never felt comfortable voting for someone running unopposed. Hell, we almost ran Louis Jester for Senior Class President in order to not let a one-horse race take place. Don’t get me wrong, the guy we’ve got is great, but I would just like to shop around a little more. Wait! How could I have forgotten? I know a guy who can play trumpet at our wedding. In fact, I’ve got his application right here!

NAME: Christopher Condon
INSTRUMENT: Trumpet

PLAYING EXPERIENCE: 1989-1994 – Trumpet, Medford Public School District. It should be most impressive to the bride and groom that I started my craft at such a young age. At this age, trumpet players master scales, trills, orchestra dynamics, and how to completely goof off in band class without getting caught, and laugh silently while the saxophones get grilled instead. I have since grown out of the latter behavior, and vow to be on my best behavior during your ceremony. While I put 1994 as the above end date, I do freelance work currently. Recent gigs include an improv solo at Lyric Intensive’s 1999 parody concert, as well as anytime I go home to NJ and am looking to remind my family of my untapped musical potential.

REPERTOIRE: I am an expert at several musical selections that you may find a perfect fir for your event: Trumpet Voluntary, Wedding March, Pomp and Circumstance, Themes from Jurassic Park, Rocky Top, Top Gun theme, the score from West Side Story, Axel F, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, TAPS.

AVAILABILITY: I have some good news and bad news. The bad news is that I already have an engagement on the date of your wedding. The good news is that it is your wedding. I have already been cast as the groom, and will be in attendance. I know what you’re thinking, “He’s not going to have time to pull this double duty.” My response to this is simple. The morning of the wedding, my groom-related responsibilities are minimal. Probably some breakfast and a whole lot of Playstation. If I were to be selected as your trumpet player, I will forgo a few games of Madden to practice the ceremony music. In addition, the groom is already standing at the front of the church when the wedding is to begin. While the bride may have to worry about things like “left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot etc.”, the groom is just hanging out. My hands don’t have to carry flowers, so I’m totally cool with holding and playing my instrument.

ASKINIG PRICE: A seat at the head table at the reception and a trip to the Caribbean.