Indiana: The Slow Kid in Class

Before I wax comedic on current events, I'd like to put offer the following disclaimer: any readers of YAB that call Indiana their home should not take any of my following comments personally. Unless you were born there and are well-known for phoning it in. Then by all means do so. Yeah. Disclaimerberg.

I want you all to picture a classroom, let's say elementary school. 1st grade, 2nd grade, somewhere in that area. It's a big classroom, containing a teacher's desk and 50 individual desks for students. There's an American flag on the wall, and class photo right below it. Strangely enough, the class photo is covered with lines of latitude and longitude, and it looks like the backdrop is a large body of water. What kind of school is this?

Welcome to United States Elementary.

The bell rings, and the kids file into class. Delaware is the first in the door, Hawaii the last. The excitement of a new year of school is in the air. Since kindergarten, there's been an influx of new kids to the class: York, Jersey, Mexico, Hampshire. The bigger kids control much of the classroom chatter, and as usual skinny kids like Tennessee and Kentucky are making fun of their overweight classmate Texas. Over in the corner of the room, Alaska sits by himself with no real friends (Canada got placed in the other section.) The twin Dakota girls are arguing over who gets to sit next to popular farmboy Nebraska, and the cool kids (Maine and Vermont) are making fun of Wyoming and Colorado because they're such squares. Oklahoma is singing showtunes at the top of her lungs. Montana is bragging to Idaho about how his uncle was a famous NFL quaterback. Nevada is trying to swindle Maryland out of her lunch money. Pennsylvania, ironically, can't find his pencil.

The bell rings, all the kids take their seats. Well, almost all of the kids. There's a seat open next to Illinois. Who's missing? Oh, right. Indiana.

Cnn.com is reporting today that historic legislation has finally been passed in the Land of the Hoosier. For the first time in decades, the state of Indiana will formally recognize and implement the process of daylight savings. Apparently, while the rest of the United States has taken measures year after year to fall back and spring forward, Indiana's been just cool letting the clocks fall where they may. This has consistently screwed with scheduling for local businesses, airport departures, and shipping delivery times. All in all, it's really a shame that Indiana for so long has been behind the times. Even Indiana Jones, for whom Indiana is named, packed up and left the state.

Indiana is the slow kid in class, and hopefully this change in his education will finally allow him to keep up. Instances of his below-the-speed-limit thought process is well documented. Around March 21 of every school year, the class takes an annual field trip. (to Washington, D.C. of course) The kids have to get to the school at 7 am in order to get on the bus. (Get there earlier to avoid sitting with Connecticut - snobby rich kid.) Last year, the bus left at 7 sharp, and one seat was open. Guess who was missing. Sure enough, 1 hour later, Indiana walked to the school only to find he missed the trip.

Last October, there was a school dance that went until 11 pm. Indiana was pressured into going by some other kids on his street (Iowa and Ohio to name names). He was having a really good time at the dance, and at about 9:50, he finally got up the courage to ask the Southern belle Georgia to dance. She accepted, and they danced to REO Speedwagon's finest. After their dance, Georgia went to gossip with Alabama and South Carolina, while Indiana proudly came back to his friends. He was a success, and the night was still young. Well, young for everyone but Indiana. Not realizing the class would be there for an extra hour, he told his mom to pick him up at 10. Georgia was insulted at his abrupt departure and still hasn't talked to him.

Hopefully, this new legislature will work wonders for the boy from Elkhart.