Eat Like an Egyptian

Don’t think in all of these winding posts about the workplace and baseball that the YABNews staff has been given the week off in the name of vacation. The industry standard is for legitimate news organizations to provide ‘round the clock coverage. And since our organization is limited (due to budget constraints) to just Condon, our ersatz operation only operates when I happen to be checking the news. (or at the very minimum, inventing it.)

So don’t think it snuck by on the wire when last week the United States Department of Agriculture decided to mess with years and years of health education curriculum. Growing up, I considered health class only a clever scheduling idea by administration to cut our number of gym classes in half; the only means to the end of fun prevention. Anyways, one of the semester staples to any health class was the topic of nutrition. And with nutrition comes the famous Food Pyramid.

The initial incarnations of the Food Pyramid generally maintained the same form. Stacked like pancakes, different food groups were horizontally arranged in a triangular fashion. Sadly, none of those food groups were actually pancakes. Surely you remember… carbohydrates were on the bottom, fruits and vegetables rented the next level up, meats and proteins were just up the pyramid stairs, and all the good stuff – cookies, pudding, cheesecake – were all crammed into the tiny penthouse suite. And as far as kids were concerned, the top floor was the place to be.

Honestly, I can’t say I paid attention to the Food Pyramid (or health class, for that matter.) The above description is completely from memory and probably incorrect both in layer and in number. But, without the payroll to hire a fact checker, we press on. After all, you can’t expect me to remember this sort of stuff. Everyone knows you spent all of health class thinking how much better this would be if it were gym right now. Organized Dodge Ball? Better than nutritional geometry.

Well, the USDA has come to the rescue of my athletic daydreams. The Food Pyramid is getting a makeover, and it’s, dare I say, EXTREME. Check it out yourself.

Ok, done studying? Good. The first thing you’ll notice is that the multi-story triangle has had an internal building restacking now resembling a system of chutes sans ladders. But there are stairs now climbing the left side, letting you all know that a healthy body only comes with physical exercise (or at the very least, being of gargantuan height rivaling most buildings, like pyramids.) As for the six (not four, upgrade!) food chutes (not groups, downgrade!) the width of each is determined by the amount of food you should intake on each chute. Coincidentally, I think this is a secret subliminal message for the children of the world. The fat kids can only slide down the slides that can hold them – grains, vegetables, fruit, and milk. The skinny kids need to bulk up, and their rail-like physiques are the only ones going down the yellow sliver of a slide titled oils. Very clever, USDA.

What’s more is no two people should consult this chart in the same manner. By the power of data warehousing and interactive internet applications, you can go to the site and enter your vitals: Age, sex, level of physical activity, where you stand on the recent rash of sub-par movie remakes (Amityville? Horrible.) (Ok, maybe that’s just a personal bone to pick.) Anyways, while I feel that this tool may be extremely helpful for someone looking to stabilize their daily caloric intake, I wish that it had come sooner. A lot sooner. Four thousand five hundred seventy-one years earlier.

You see, the Food Pyramid gets its inspiration from the place that made 3-dimensional triangular shapes all the rage: the Great Pyramids at Giza. Where else? After all, they’re Great. It says it in the name. On average it took the ancient Egyptians 30 years to put one in place. 30 years! This timeline is not without merit, mind you. Heavy stone blocks were transported (by pulling them with a rope) over 500 miles to make it to the middle of the desert. THEN, they had to be lifted up off of the ground to the level of their final resting place (They had neither the Food Pyramid’s convenient stairs nor stick man giant to help.) This was not easy work.

I’m theorizing here on the blog that with the help of the new and improved Food Pyramid, the Ancient Egyptians could have done the work in half the time. They were undernourished without it, and worked at a lower level of productivity. I’m sure the slave diet of bread, water, and occasional grapes wasn’t making anyone rush into their work. Well, what should they have eaten? Ah, yes, the Food Pyramid. According to the internet (always truth,) the average life expectancy for an Ancient Egyptian was no longer than 40 years. Assuming they like a decent retirement, they probably left the workplace around 28-30 years old. Compute that in with the male gender option and rigorous activity, it becomes clear that if we wanted more pyramids faster, a 3000 calorie per day, with emphasis on grains and meat, should have been on the workcamp menus.

Who knew?